#killordie

The moment you left your warm bed, you already missed Billy’s skin on yours. You wish you could stay longer, tangling your legs between his and letting your left hand rest on his chest.

The beautiful view of his defined back and the right side of his face’s weight on your pillow became a fast run to the Metro General Hospital. The path you were so used to do every fucking day, you made running with your own feet when the cabs didn’t appear around your street. 

Your lungs almost throw themselves out of your body when you crossed the doors of Maddie’s second house. 

The first and only time you choose to not pick up your phone, letting yourself rest and enjoy Billy’s attention over you, Shirley and Claire left multiple voice messages on your phone.

Covering in sweat, worries, rain, and tears, you entered her room which looked more like a torture chamber than a hospital.

Maddie’s health condition worsened, those were the exact words that froze your heart.

“What is all of this?” You tried to get closer, but Claire took you from behind “For Christ's sake, what is happening?”

The doctor started to connect the dialyzer between her little arm and the new huge machine by her side.

“Maddison has had a kidney failure, Y/N!” Claire took your face in her hands, though enough to not let you go “I tried to call you all night, she is having the worst time since the accident.”

The doctor and the nurse announced the incision on her body and you just couldn’t watch another procedure like that, you buried your eyes on Claire’s shoulder.

Not only five minutes after, Maddison started to puke.

And then she convulsed.

Maddison was dying.

And her heartbeat was too fast for a fourteen years old kid.

And there was nothing you could do to keep her with you.

“Please, don’t let her die, please! Please!”

Your screams broke every kind of privacy inside the hospital.

“She is just a kid, she can’t die like that! Please!”

Your eyes open trying to get every piece of her breath thinking that could be the last while Maddison-was-dying situation just couldn’t make some sense in your mind.

All the money you made, wasn’t worth it if you couldn’t have her.

Yes, you were selfish enough to not let her go. Maybe die was the best for her, to have eternal and peaceful rest, but the best for you was to try every second to bring her back.

It took hours. 

It took your life, your peace, your sanity, and any other kind of reasonable feeling inside you to make you keep your head in the right place. 

Little did you know that Billy’s should-be-dead friend was killing half of the CIA agents in the middle of the Kentucky woods. Making Billy bite his own guts, trying not to freak out - more than he already was - with the suicide mission his friends put him in. Showing his face so clear and bright as the sunlight.

Billy called you endless times, trying to reach you and remember you about the meeting you needed to have, now more than never, with Curtis. 

You are going to meet my friend, Curtis, tonight, right? I need you more than never, doll!

 Y/N, answer the fucking phone! I need to talk to you right now!

 Are you going to give up now? What the fuck are you doing?

 He wrote and left multiple voice messages.

A friend of mine had an accident last night. I’m at the hospital. Call you back when I can.

The only answer you were capable of giving.

The first time you let your sister as a second “choice” and put Billy as the first, she was dying. You weren’t going to repeat the same mistake again.

The only sound that kept her in this world stopped. Completely silence and chaos.

You couldn’t understand anymore what the doctors were saying and signalizing to each other, running over your sister.

You couldn’t move. 

You just watched and tried to fight the tears that blurred your vision and thought about all the ways to live without Maddison from now on. 

Would I need to keep working as a prostitute?

Would I need to keep going to all the dark places I went just to keep her here?

Most importantly, would I need to keep my job with Billy?

“She is back!” The man by Maddie’s side screamed “Holy shit girl, you are back!” 

He pressed his hand against her forehead, relief enough to walk away.

“Y/N…” Claire hugged you “Come on, honey… This is too much for you!”

You cried, sobbing for solace, in shock with what you just had seen.

She guides you outside, walking the hallway down you could see Claire's muscles tensing all over her arms to keep you on your feet, straight up.

She found an empty room, saying she was going to get something for you and she would be back. 

You couldn’t put in words or thoughts how it felt or what you were feeling. But you were surprised as shit when Billy entered the room.

“The fuck happened, doll?” He seemed afraid to come closer.

“The fuck you doing here, Billy?”

Hands inside his pockets.

“You didn’t pick up my calls, just left a fucking voice message on my mail and I need you more than ever now.”

“What happened?” 

You stood up trying to look normal.

“Nothing that you can know by now. What happened to you?”

“I… My friend…”

“Excuse me?” Claire, thank God “Who are you?”

Billy looked between you and the nurse, unbelieved Claire didn’t know who he was.

“Billy Russo. And you?”

Claire was about to say something brilliant and put Billy in his place, but you cut it off soon.

“She is the nurse who is helping my friend, Billy. Can you give us a minute Claire, please?”

She frowned, pissy off as hell, but shout the door leaving the two of you alone.

“Billy, I can’t do what you need now… I don’t have the head to leave this hospital!”

“You don’t have the head, doll?” He clenched his jaw and leaned against the chair in front of him. “I’m the one who doesn’t have the fucking head!”

His voice controlled herself to keep his tone under control.

“I’m gonna ask just one time: are you coming or I will need to find another one to do what I need?”

“Pardon?”

You couldn’t believe it. 

“My friend just almost died, Billy. I can’t and I won’t leave her here, without me or my support.” Tears rolled down without shame. “Just give me… I’m asking for just one day, and I will do whatever you want, I promise!”

He took out his anger on the poor chair.

“I don’t have a fucking day, Y/N! I need it now!” His expression was full of stress “Listen, if you don’t come with me we are done here. I will find another girl. If I don’t get the information I need until the end of the night, my fucking head will be on the line!”

He pointed to his own head like a gun, coming closer to you.

“You gonna find another girl?” You shocked your head “Are you even listening to yourself? What I am to you, Billy? Wich woman in New York will accept do all the things you ask me to do? Who will find it okay to be fucked by all these disgusting men and then need to open the legs to you at the end of the day?” You downed your voice, growing your body against him “Who, Billy? Tell me, I’m waiting!”

He needs me, he knows he needs me.

Billy looked at you, breathing repulse and exhaling fury, like a kid when his mommy doesn’t give him what he wants.

“You accepted, didn’t you?” 

You swallowed dry, dizzy by the words.

Billy grabbed your chin strong enough to leave his finger marked on it.

“I make you want things you can’t have, yeah?” He repeated your words from last night. It felt like a knife moving inside your chest. “Maybe you’re not too much professional as you used to be, doll.”

You closed your eyes, in a frustrating way to make the tears stop falling, with your face contracting in deep regret and discomfort on your injuries.

“If I leave this hospital without you, our deal is over.” Wicked eyes over you “It’s up to you!”

Your preaching, but fearful, voice ended the only connection you two had.

“Fuck you, Billy!”

For a couple of seconds you tought, for hell sure, he was about to kill you. When his nostrils opened wide trying to find the oxygen and his hand left your chin to close in a punch, you could believe you would live again the violence you lived a night before.

He called you every name he could, but then the room was just pure silence and nothing more than an intense desire to die.

To be continued...