#kilbey

Putting here because no one sees nn but I do need a place to file this.

I only feel half as nauseous as I did when Kilbey said exactly the same thing to me. Is it because I’ve been through this before? How should someone see this heartbreak more than once in their lives. Why have I not broken yet.

At least I’ll have more time for my studies this semester but how could this help anything? Loving someone means vowing to be there for them at all times. And I have and will, because Lord knows I never stop loving. So why is now, of all moment, of all the times he’s shared with me, now is “I need to be alone.” Ostensibly forever, when I could be by your side, helping with this, learning alongside.

Though, unlike with Kilbey, I have utter faith that Matt does love me. Or did. Because when I say “Kilbey never cared about me,” it only rings true through the distortion of my OCD battling with my hope. Because most of the thoughts I’m reacting with today are immediately disordered thinking.

Did both of them love me? Sure. But do they; is it worth anything?

Everything is telling me that it’s not, that I’m not. Because people love their relationships with me, until– And that worries me.

What doesn’t.

And riotous indeed, I’ve been needing something to put me down far enough to resettle my stimming and my habits and generally organize myself anew. Thanks, I guess.

My surgery’s on Tuesday and I have dozens of prayers but not the ones that mattered. It feels unfaithful for me to experience this, this love and heartbreak, when my other relationships are so stable and so healthy. And that fact is at least supporting me in realizing sometimes things are not under my control, are not my fault. Because I am capable of sustaining loving relationships, bettering myself and my dendrites.

The world knows I will be a great single parent; I will love them properly, though I couldn’t love you the way you needed.