#kickgrrl

It's been a difficult few days for me, I got my black belt then hit a doubt spiral of me being worthy of it, turns out I might just be (thanks to a friend for giving me the slap I needed regarding that). But there is still doubt there, it's pressure from myself always believing that I am capable of more, but mostly I'm that afraid of letting myself and my instructors down I'm not pushing myself to discover it!

How dumb is that seriously. This all stems from my own self confidence, which, after all this time I'm still lacking. I've learnt a lot since I started martial arts, and met some amazing people along the way, but there are little things still niggling at me, but here's a few random facts from my personal experience in tkd. For the first two keep in mind I go to at least five classes per week versus their two at the most.  People will dislike you if you progress without them and then blame you for it. No matter what you say or how you act you're in the wrong. The same people will say you're the favourite, that the instructor fancies me, that I fancy the instructor, that it's not fair that I can do something better than them.  (All these comments destroy myself esteem despite how nonchalant I can be about them) I've cried on the mats twice, nearly three times. Once out of frustration the other from happiness. I've cried at home after classes multiple times. I nearly quit once, it was my own refusual to back down and give up what I'd worked so hard for up to that point that kept me going. I've tried other schools out, just to see their style of MA, how classes are done differently, what is expected of them, I've always come to the conclusion that I like my school the best. I'm not saying the other schools are bad, just not for me. There's only been one place that's actually made me want to continue going there and sadly I've never actually made it back. Although I did have an awesome 121 with the instructor there and it helped me so much.  I lost 7 stone doing martial arts alone. I’ve fractured the left side of my foot, and I broke my little toe. My happiest belt grade and the one I felt I earnt the most was red, it was also my saddest, and the one I nearly quit after.  The same day I graded for my black stripe, in fact while I was in the grading, my mum was in hospital having a stroke.  I've been frustrated in classes and it irritates me I don't have the patience for the things I find less interesting. I'm terrfied I'll be asked to leave and not come back if I do anything wrong, especially something done unintentionally or unknowingly. 

I've made a couple of good friends through it.