#kekdaness

There are the rules of dervishes and the rule of conquerors.

And then there are rules for those who seek knowledge.

Tangled up in figuring out where these lines lie, I have managed to divide myself in pieces.

So many portions that even I cannot make sense of what belongs where.

So I take the role of the questioner.

And somehow figure out a way to make a cohesive whole out of these parts.

It has become increasingly clear to me that the path that I choose must be my own.

The ones that already exist, have been walked upon so many times that the direction no longer makes sense to me.

There are ways that tell me to live every moment so that I control everything. And there are ways that tell me to let life take its course.

And while I might understand and respect and even like both, I can only choose one.

I meditate 

With my eyes open

On a bench in a park

Where the only other sound

Is my nostalgia whispering

With that husky voice of hers

"Look back", she says

And I cannot help but comply

The dry leaves provide an excellent backdrop 

To play the movie

The only name in the end credits is mine

I mutter in my head a thousand times. 

It will be alright.

It will be alright.

It will be alright.

Look, I already feel better.

It's almost as if I have forgotten everything.

On every plane I exist, there's a space for me.

I begin cleaning my room.

Everything in its place.

Anything that isn't,

Goes back into the closet.

It's not there

It's not there

It's not there

See it vanished.

Sitting in a park littered with leaves

The benches are positioned sentries

As I sit and ponder 

Where have the people gone.

Grow on me like the dawn,

Chiming on the faraway horizon that

Darkness is on its way out

Drive away the cold that has seeped in 

Through cracks I never knew I had

Warm me so I never use that coat again

As a barrier between our souls

I can almost feel the heat of your skin on mine

It's golden like the sun and makes me want to sing along with the birds

But I refrain, I don't want the day to start,

This moment to end,

So I burrow back to the empty warmth

of the makeshift home I call a bed,

I live

In the suspended moment that is yesterday

Sometimes you feel so much

You couldn't possibly have space left over in your heart

Hear that drumming sound ?

That unmistakable pow-chika-wow-wow

It's now loudly resounding through every vein in my body

Well, you're probably the reason

I wake up to a darkness

That does not threaten

Nor swallow me whole

I reach out 

Feel my mother's skin

Hold her hands

Her wrist just like mine

And feel the peace settle in

I lie awake 

In that moment

My eyes see the sunrise 

With wonder

Without the weight of last night

Nor laced with fear

I ponder the existence

Of something so beautiful and 

Forget the ugliness of reality

After eons of drowning

I resurface and

The air in my lungs 

I go back

Search for words

Scroll through conversations

WhatsApp, Facebook, Skype, Instagram

Looking for scraps

Pieces that were us

An attempt to see

A different light

But words don't lie

Everytime I see a bit of you I don't like

My brain rejoices