Rose’s kisses are a surprise to her. She’s never sure what they mean when they come—and she has no real experience with dating other women anyway— but she would date her, and when Rose presses her lips against hers outside of an Italian Deli, it feels a lot like they are dating—and she likes it, a little too much. 

She has a strange propensity for getting hammered when she wants to talk about something— so she doesn’t talk to the brown haired girl when she’s frustrated with something, she shows up at her door, half drunk, and damp from the London rain. She mumbles fuck it— and closes the distance between them, pressing her lips against the pretty brunettes. Kemi tastes like whiskey and Rose has a way of tasting slightly like forgiveness.

She’s not much for PDA but it’s becoming a surprising habit of theirs— maybe it’s the fact that the man was clearly hitting on her— or it was the fact that she couldn’t help the jealousy bubbling up in her pit but she’s kissing her before the man can get a word in edge wise, it’s a bruising intense kiss, her hands lost in the other girls locks and it’s the best version of fuck off she could offer the pervy stranger. 

Sometimes she frustrates Rose into kissing her, her lips kissing her neck, the corner of her lips—anywhere but her mouth. She’s sure they shouldn’t be making out in the cinema like teenagers with nowhere else to go but she didn’t care much for this movie anyway. Rose grabs her after twenty minutes of teasing and kisses her soundly, stopping her own round of teasing. When the girl pulls away its with a murmur— “Behave Kem-“ 

Finally, you could be there.

You had dreamt for a long time of standing on this ground, of being able to walk in these streets. Finally you were able to be in Seoul, and to have a walk in the city like you wanted to do so much. For today, there were no kpop stars, you did not wanted to think about them. Of course, you were on the same country, on the same city, but right now, you were too happy about being in Seoul, a city you've always wanted to go to, to spazz about kpop.

And it felt good.

Today, you had a meeting with a Korean friend of yours, a Korean boy with which you had exchanged e-mails, then mails, and made a strong friendship. You had been talking for months now, in prevision of your trip to South Korea, and you had built strong bonds, while you were talking about your country, and he talked about his. He was funny and a bit weird at times, sending you some random stuff that made him laugh. Yet, he was very busy, so you sometimes had no answer for weeks. He would come back sending an e-mail apologizing and telling you he was busy with university. And of course, you would believe him, because you were informed enough about Korean education system to know that universities were really hard on students.

In the other hand, you had not talked about your interest into Kpop because you knew that it was not that common to still be interested in kpop at your age. You just had told him that you liked Korean entertainment and music, all styles, which was true, and that's all. He had asked you what was your favorite band, and you had answered « SHINee » and he had agreed on the quality of the band. That was all.

Before you came to South Korea, he had sent you a long e-mail filled up with typical korean expressions to be able to communicate with people while he was not there to meet you, even if you had basic knowledge in the language – and that is why you searched for a Korean penpal at first. That is what you were holding in your hands, the subway map in the other, trying to find your way to the place you had agreed to meet.

When you entered the subway, taking the right line to go straight to the café where the meeting was, you felt a bit of excitement. But you were scared. You never saw a picture of him, because he said that he was not good on pictures, so you just had described the clothes you would be wearing. What if you didn't recognize each other? What if you went off in the wrong subway station? And what if you were not as friends as you were in e-mails?

You tried to brush off all these doubts while coming out of the subway. You looked at your map again.

« It should be here, it should be.... just.... YES I found it! » you mumbled in your maternal language, looking up to the café sign showing in latin letters the name your friend had talked about.

It was a really nice place. Really. A least, he had good tastes in term of place. It seemed really cozy and warm, and in a way, it made you feel more at ease. In your mind, there was always this tiny thought that was warning you against this friend. Because he never showed you a picture of him. Because it was weird that you would even meet him without knowing what he looks like, after only talking together for months through the internet. You had not told your mother about that meeting because what she did not know could not harm her – especially when she would have just yelled at you for your imprudence, but her constant warnings were still there, somewhere in your mind.

But when you entered the cozy place, you forgot about your tiny fear about who you were about to meet. Seeing a couple of people in the coffee place actually soothed you, and made you feel even warmer. He could not be a bad boy if he wanted to meet in such a place.

The air was filled with the smell of hot coffee and hot chocolate, of tea flavors and even cakes freshly taken out of the oven. You sat at a table for two person, and started waiting, looking at the menu with delighted eyes. But when the waitress came to ask you what you wanted to order, you just used your basic Korean to make her understand that you were waiting for someone.

Ten minutes went by like this, and after you had finally chose what you wanted to drink, there was not much to do. Especially when the fact that he was not there yet made you feel a bit scared. Were you late? Did you come on the wrong day? Did you mistake the coffee shop with another one? All kind of questions passed through your mind while you were still waiting for him. Another waitress came to your table to ask if you wanted to order now, since no one had arrived, and you were about to shake your head negatively when a voice answered for you in Korean.

" I can't break away from those eyes that I've been drawn into,

I'm almost drowning in them now, but I don't want to be set free.

As we are now, I'm going to hold you tight and close my eyes.

This is Forbidden Love. "

You didn't know why you were coming again or why you accepted to come over to his house. He had said it was to clear things over, to say goodbye, once for all and had insisted so much that you had finally given in. When you arrived at the doorstep of his flat, you breathed loudly, trying to calm down the fast throbbing of your heart. You were already feeling anxiety. Why had you accepted this? You had promised yourself not to fall for his traps anymore. But yet, you did tonight. You were certain about it because you could already feel it.

This relationship had always been something that was supposed to have no tomorrow.

When you had first met Kiseop, he was a random attractive guy who was at a friend's party. You got along very well with him, and alcohol helping you both, you had spent the night together, one of the best night you ever had.

He was caring, but not too much and knew when to be rough when it was necessary. You just wanted to have a good time with someone in order to forget your previous boyfriend, and it had become a silent agreement that your relationship was nothing else but a one night stand.

But that one night stand had occurred again once, twice... a numerous couple of times. Everything was perfect for you, he was the best lover you ever had, without all the flaws and arguments the official relationships could involve. When you wanted to see him, you just called him, and he was doing the same.

You were aware that he had a girlfriend, but as you didn't know her, and he never talked about her, so she was a concept that seemed far away, so far away. You were aware that you needed to protect yourself from taking it too at heart, but without realizing it, that purely carnal relationship had slowly transformed into an affectionate relationship. When you were not with him, you missed the warm embrace of his, the passionate yet tender kisses you shared and his sharp eyes in which you loved to drown yourself staring at you for hours.

A simple punctual forbidden relationship had become a forbidden love.

You tried to gather your thoughts and breathed deeply before ringing the doorbell. You heard the noises Kiseop made inside after the ringing, and the door opened really quickly, too fast for you to be able to run away before this fatal moment.

Because you knew that when you would look into his eyes, there would be no point of return.

You looked up to the guy who had opened the door, this face which was haunting every single sleepless night you spent, and you felt your heart sinking, your breath going faster as his only presence was already making your body go crazy.

He looked back at you, you felt like drowning in his eyes, and all of the things you promised yourself earlier were almost vanished. You were not sure if you wanted to be set free from his stare and his hold on your whole mind and heart.

Kiseop moved to the side to let you enter the flat, and you silently did, feeling as if you were already a zombie, with no thoughts. When you entered the calm living room, you did not put your coat away, but sat awkwardly on the couch, your arms keeping your clothes tight against your skin while you were vainly trying to get your thoughts together.

You should not give in again. No. This forbidden and destructive relationship should not carry on the way it was doing since a couple of months already now. Trying to persuade yourself to fight against your own feeling, you repeated to yourself that you were the only one having feelings and that Kiseop was just playing with you anyway. “He loves her, you're nothing to him, just a friend with benefits...” you whispered to yourself when Kiseop came back in the living room after staying a short while in the entrance.

He did not sit and stayed up, looking at you, without saying a word. You were starting to feel uneasy and did not hold his stare. You looked away and started getting even more nervous, as if you were realizing what you were actually doing, that what you were about to do was the biggest mistake of your life.

It stroke you suddenly, and made you stand up again, still looking away. “If you don't have anything to tell me, I'd better be going.”

You turned your back at him and headed towards the entrance door, hoping for him not to reach you before you left. But, in a sense, very deeply, you wished he did so.

And he did.

You felt his hand grasping your arm, and you suddenly felt your body becoming all numb. The effect he had on you was not natural. You body became really tensed, and you just stopped in your way of reaching the entrance door, without moving a inch. He forced you to turn again. His face was so near to yours, you could actually feel his heavy breath against your skin. You shivered. He looked at you, you were both tensed, and you drowned in his humid eyes, once again. He was looking so sad, so desperate, a look you never saw on him. He had always had this haughty air, this despicable way of looking down on others.

Kiseop was breathing more heavily than he ever did. He never showed any sign of weakness before, he was always the one leading, but right now, you could read in his eyes the fear of not controlling the situation. It was slipping out of his hands, and he was panicking, looking lost, like you never saw him before.

“I... I lied.” he stated in a whisper.

“I don't want you to leave, I cannot let you go, it's not possible to me, I cannot do this... Don't leave me ____.... I... I beg you.”

His eyes didn't quit yours, as your breath became erratic.

“Are... you going to leave her?” you still managed to ask.

Your voice cracked up as you were not quitting her eyes. Even saying “her” was painful as you wanted to be that “her” so badly.

You saw Kiseop's eyes get progressively wet, his hold on your arm not getting loose. He looked away for a second before whispering again.

“I can't... I want but I can't. My father asked me to marry her...”

You felt like you wanted to throw up.

“And... I will. I have no choice.”

He swept the tear that was rolling down his cheek, and you stayed there, startled to the highest point. You were not ready for something like this to strike you. You were not prepared to this. And you didn't react until he embraced you, holding you tightly against his chest.

Snapping back to your right mind, you started struggling, but just couldn't overcome his skinny yet firm strength. Your strengths were totally abandoning you as you were crying, trying to get rid of his hold. When he crushed his lips on yours though, you felt like everything was fading away. This pain, this will of leaving, this will of breaking free from him, everything was vanished, and you only had this impulse to kiss him back, harder than ever, more desperately than ever.

Kiseop, kissing you senseless, pushed you against the wall that was just behind you. You felt the rough shock of your body against it and slightly moaned of pain in the kiss. But as your lover was slowly pressing his body against yours, his hands going under your shirt to caress your nude skin, the moan of pain transformed into a louder moan of pleasure.

The heat provoked by the proximity of your two bodies was clearly telling you that you could not turn back tonight. So you gave in and abandoned yourself, only thinking about having at least, his arms around you, his skin against yours, his lips sealed with yours.

You bit his lips, wanting more than only him stroking your skin, and it was his turn to moan, louder than you did before, and you felt a new wave of heat invading your body. In a hurried way, he freed you from your diverse clothes, throwing them in parts of the flat, without caring where they were arriving. You were doing the same, unbuttoning his pants and throwing his clothes everywhere, panting because you wanted to be complete with him again.

He bent a bit to grab you under your naked thighs and you rolled your arms around his neck, crushing your lips against his beautiful mouth again, your tongues dancing together, making your breath more an more erratic with every minute. Your naked bodies one against each other were more and more hot, and you rolled your legs around his waist, waiting for nothing else but him. He kissed you in the neck, playing with your skin as he bit slightly and sucked it, leaving a reddish trace that meant you were his property.

And you were totally agreeing : You were his, and only his.

When you felt the hard proof of his excitement against your thighs, you bit your lower lip, arching your body in a moment of delicious pleasure, scattered with impatience. You kissed him, biting his lips against, your lips and tongues making a new ballet.

When he broke the passionate kiss, the more passionate you ever had until today – maybe it was the feeling of despair that emphasized every little move – you groaned. You wanted his lips back. But he didn't come back. He looked at you instead, panting like you, not knowing how to hide his lust from you anymore. Then, he pressed his hot body against yours and just whispered to your ear : “You're the one I love. You're the only one, never leave me please...”

You did not answer, all of the feelings you were hiding and protecting deep in your heart just wanting to break free as a sob started forming in your throat. You did not answer because you didn't know what to say, you didn't know if you could promise this or even utter a word. So you just kissed him again, passionately, letting him know that you loved him too.

When you only made one with him later that night though, you realized something.

Whatever was happening, you could not lie to yourself anymore. You were too weak to leave him, and even if it was a forbidden love, you could not make up your mind about forgetting it. Because in times like these, the only thing that had importance was that he was there with you.

In these moments, you could almost forget that it was a forbidden love.