#kaz5i3

As much as I don't want you to live with the pain, I'm sure it does...

-9:26AM end time.

I'm so sorry for ever hurting you. I regret it like crazy and it always eats away at me. I'm sorry for fucking up and turnIng on you. I wish I could undo all the bad things. I'm so sorry for all the pain I have caused you. I don't even know if you still follow me on tumblr since you blocked me on everything else. I just needed to say something.

I don't want to feel so insignificant anymore. So useless. I'm so happy but I know I won't stay that way. My thoughts always consume me and it makes me resentful and bitter. I'm really glad I have Justin here and whatnot, but I'm internally freaking out that things won't work out. I know I want them to, but I'm just expecting the worst at the same time. So many thoughts into thoughts into thoughts. I want him to make an honest woman out of me, to make up for the years I fucked up throughout high school. I love the idea. But at the same time, i'm so scared that I'll always be this way. There's too much noise and nonsense going up there in my head. Lord have mercy on my soul.

I really wish I could go beach with everyone today, but of course, my living situation always comes in the way of the things I want to do... I don't even bother asking to hang out because I already always know what the answer is. I wish people in my family could stick up for me sometimes but I know they don't because my grandma is getting older and she isn't the healthiest.. But why should that mean me suffering? I've been understanding for years over the fact I never had a lot of freedom like all of my other friends, but that's one of the things keeping me depressed. Wait till I'm 18, right? My family says the same thing every time, but it just pretty much shows that they don't care enough to try help me out.. Not saying to go against my grandma but maybe talk to her and tell her that some of the things I ask to do are normal things a 17 year old teenager wants to do. I'm tired of being so depressed because I can't go out, I thought maybe once I graduated those things would come to me because I earned it. She always used to tell me that if I graduated I was free to do as I please, but I guess that was a lie. I missed out on so many fun opportunities since my freshman year till graduating a few months ago. I'm just really bummed about my living situation, and some days it hurts more than others, and I wish people in my family took the time to comfort me, but it's not gonna happen. /end of sad rant

hate my body. i can't wear bikinis and stuff like i would like to because i'm so self conscious of my size and hair and scars on my body.. and i'm always comparing myself to other prettier girls like the thoughts are so constant they're literally eating me alive.. tired of crying myself to sleep sometimes or looking in the mirror only to start crying the longer i look. i wanna be thankful for what i have, but just going through everything in my life, it's very hard to do so. i feel like i'm untalented and i don't have friends in a sense. i mean i do, but i always feel left out these days. i just don't feel good enough about anything that has to do with me.