#kaz2y5

on AO3 by nightraven777

Chapter 7

Kansas City Blues

As Baby’s engine finally lulled itself to silence, Dean watched Cas; his face peaceful, good arm tucked under his head. Dean knew that even now, he couldn’t see Cas as anything but an angel. There was something about him that just radiated an aura of ‘otherness,’ some essence of him that for so long just came off as weird, but Dean was fond of it now. Cas wouldn’t be himself without it. And that had nothing to do with his divine powers- that was just Cas...

read on here:

So. I just got done watching s14e13, a.k.a. The Big Three Zero Zero of Supernatural. First I watched it with a friend. There were "”awwws" and "ooohhhs" and laughs and comments and criticisms and witticisms and whatnot. And I thought I would go to bed feeling content that we got a decent enough episode out of 300, but not especially ecstatic. 

And then my friend left. I was left in my dorm room, in the dark. Back to my old thoughts and feelings. Back to my everyday anxiety. So I decided to re-watch. Just a couple of scenes. Just the key moments. The difference? I was alone. And I could bawl my heart out. 

What killed me about tonight’s episode in particular (because let’s face it, season 14 has been treating us Sammy fans very kindly with all the closure he seems to be getting, but also Dean, my baby boy, I’m so happy that he’s proud of who he is, so I’ve had plenty of occasions to die of feels tonight) was that goddamn last scene. John waking up in the middle of nowhere, sitting in the car in the rain. with that old flip-phone. And - KAZ2Y5.

This is where I must digress for a second. I’ve had this art project in my head for a few months now. It’s nothing special, just decorating my dorm room wall. But it is pretty special at the same time, because this semester has been and continues to be pretty tough on me. I’ve been becoming aware of how much everyone and everything around me has changed. How much I’ve changed. Within these past few years, people have entered my life and people have left it. And people will leave next year, as I have another year of studies to go through, possibly two. I’m also not sure at all where the future will take me. So, with all of this on my mind, I’ve given myself a task to decorate my wall with one thing (quote/image/drawing/poster) per day, until I’ve covered it with things that mean a lot to me. It’s been a long time coming and I just need to do this for me and me alone, the way I want and like it. 

I put up the very first image today. I had this hand-made SPN-inspired frame for a picture that used to hang on my dorm room door, but the image got stolen (yeah, freshmen can be jackasses sometimes) and I was left with only the frame. I thought for a while about how to re-use it and then it hit me - KAZ2Y5. Even though Baby’s license plate has changed, that original code is something that has stuck with me ever since I boarded the SPN hype train. I’m usually terrible with letter+number combos, but for some reason, this has stuck. They say it symbolizes Kansas (both the state and the band) and the year 2005, back when SPN started. And I put it up on my wall before anything else. And today, of all days. The day I had reserved for episode 300. 

And then John Winchester wakes up in the Impala in the year 2003, before "Dad’s on a hunting trip", before "Saving people", before this weird, scary, fun, emotional, fantastic journey began. Before my own life truly began. He shares a few words with baby Dean, that young little rascal I see in episode 1 and barely recognize. And Sammy’s off somewhere at Stanford, not talking to John. I am currently one year older than Sam was in 2005, when that invitation to find dad happened. In two years’ time, I will be 25, the age Dean was in 2005, when he broke into his little brother’s apartment. I was 10 years old in 2005 myself. Long before I was a fan and long before I started to become who I am now. And, seeing and hearing how all of that stuff from season 1 happened "a lifetime ago" for them and how proud they are to be who they are now and of the journey they’ve taken, that truly gives me hope. 

People say all kinds of stuff about " Supernatural ". I am well aware it is not the best TV show in history, I am well aware that the fandom has its problems and goes overboard sometimes, I am well aware that it is dragging out too long for most people’s tastes and the writing has lost quite a bit of its charm. But God dammit, it is the only show and story that can make me stay up until 1 AM on a work night, writing this tumblr post, listening to "Americana" and reminiscing about the start of college, when I reached the season 5 finale and bawled my eyes out for these two poor boys, these two urban legend messiahs, in the middle of the night. In my dorm. Alone. Just like now. Because, people say all kinds of things about me, too. I am also very much not perfect. And this, the story of Sam and Dean and all the lovely people they meet along the way and include into their family, is one story I will follow until the very end. And I know that, thanks to this show, it will all be okay. I will be okay. 

Thank you for the ride on the road so far, Supernatural. I am looking forward to whatever you have in store next. 

Happy 300! ♥