#kaywriteswords

The thing about changing our habits is that we have to first acknowledge the behaviors we want to change. Once we’ve done that, it will hopefully allow for a little more self-awareness. Being aware of a behavior we are trying to change in the moment is the first step to making the preferred lifestyle choice.

We can’t do everything every day, that would be impossible. But if we set aside certain times at regular intervals that will help build habits. I bought the loveliest day planner for this year that breaks down Monday through Friday by hour. This was great when I needed to keep track of when I would be out of the house so I could plan accordingly. It also kept me accountable to things like working out and meal prep because I was designating time in advance for these things. Under normal circumstances, most of us have a daily routine or schedule that we follow. While we’re sheltering-in-place, all the days seem to run together, there are no weekends and the regular daily routines seem non-existent. What I ended up with were a bunch of empty days where nothing was getting done because while nothing is going on, I had endless time to follow any whim. That didn’t work out too great because I still wasn’t being productive. To help myself, instead of scheduling my day, I keep track of what I’m doing each day.  This gives me the opportunity to see exactly what I am spending my time on and as the days go on I can focus on what hasn’t been given enough time on a certain day or during the week as a whole.

I had another go at meditation this past week. I tried it a few times and what I found is that music does help. I listened to some soothing beach sounds and classical, basically music without any words. There words cause a bit of a distraction and trying to reach a certain number of minutes was causing me to countdown in my mind, a distraction. So I quit the clock and instead just focused on my breathing and dismissing thoughts to clear my mind. That worked a lot better. The struggle I have is once I realize I’m thinking a thought, I’ve already thought the thought and interrupted the thoughtlessness I’m supposed to be feeling. So, not setting a time boundary on trying to meditate and just focusing on the quality of a few breathes, or even just one, resulted in something much more healing. Classical music has actually been great. When I’m trying to write or focus on something, not just any old music will do. Rock and Roll is good for cleaning and shenanigans, but the wordlessness of classical allows for a clearer mind to focus on the task at hand.

<Weekly Wednesday Weigh-in: 205.6>     

<Weight Change Since Last Week: +0.4>

My weight remained relatively unchanged while I got myself back in the routine of actually working out at home. I got a few workouts in this past week, but the intensity could and should be higher. I’m well past the point of mild workouts to build up endurance. The endurance is there. What I’m lacking here at home is the motivation to actually exercise and not just binge watch TV while snuggling my dog. My diet continues to be about what’s available and not necessarily about choice. Although, I did technically go out and buy these things, I find myself also eating a lot of what my husband leaves left over, and that guy eats like a teenager. This comes from a deep, almost unyielding urge to not waste food. That’s not to say I’ve never thrown food out, but every time I do I actually feel bad. People starve to death everyday around the world so what does it say about my privilege if I can just toss perfectly good food in the trash?

Loving myself is a daily practice. It comes in the form of building daily habits that contribute to my health & wellness. Over the course of the last several weeks, I’ve gone in many different directions on what I choose to focus on for a given week. Having to practice social distancing and with nowhere to go, it gave me the opportunity to randomly try different things. I’ve tried to stick to a schedule and I’ve tried not to schedule anything. Neither of those worked. So, I logged what I was doing hour by hour for about the last month. It’s not as OCD as it sounds. My nifty day planner breaks down by the hour from 6am to 8pm so it was more like fill-in the blank. The only thing I know for sure is I watch way too much TV. So, another plan, just for the month of May while shelter in place continues. I’ve blocked off sections of my day for different things, the three most important things I’m doing right now: exercise, writing and my online class. Sure, there are plenty of other things I need to do and they will continue to get done, but even in just the last few days that I’ve been trying this, I’ve accomplished a lot more.

Yesterday was the first day I tried to meditate in I don’t know how long. It was alright. It’s something that while I believe it’s important, I still manage to forget it. So I made myself a little reminder note to help build the habit. I also haven’t been stretching as often as I should. The benefits of stretching are ingrained in me. I know them because I have felt them and it’s just another one of those things that I seem to forget to do. So, I made a little reminder note for that too. I’ve found that having a visual helps these things click in the brain, much like the post-its that I put on my hubby’s snacks. Side note: sometimes I don’t put the notes on all his snacks because I want to eat some of them. I am what I am. 😊

<Weekly Wednesday Weigh-in: 208.4>     

<Weight Change Since Last Week: -3>

I’m going to give myself a pat on the back for getting 4 sweaty workouts in this week. That’s one of the fitness habits that I want to maintain on a weekly basis. First week down, forever to go. Okay, forever is not realistic, but at least for the foreseeable future that will be my target each week. Since I started jogging, I’m able to hit that number with no problem. I am patiently waiting for the day I can take classes at the gym again. I’ll never neglect my ability to go to cardio kickboxing and Zumba each week because without them I jog, and jogging is still the worst. Despite my deep despise for jogging I’m actually motivated to do it while it’s my only option.

Total Weight Change: -0.2

Fluctuation Since Last Week: -3.6

Wow! This week was much better than the last. I cut back on snacking significantly and made healthier choices overall. Don’t be fooled by the Fluctuation Since Last Week. I thought I might be having an off day last Wednesday and I probably was which is why my Total Weight Change is a more realistic representation of my progress. I feel proud of myself for having practiced self-control on the tail end of this week. Limiting my snacks was hard, especially the ones that are horribly fatty and delicious, but even this little bit of progress tells me that it is worth it. Everything in moderation.

This week’s meal prep was tasty. I made turkey tacos and roasted veggies. I used the McCormick taco seasoning to make it easy. I kept it basic topping them with pico de gallo (store bought) and occasionally throwing some queso fresco on. Cheese is life. The roasted veggies consisted of sweet potatoes, poblano peppers and cauliflower tossed in olive oil and seasoned with salt, pepper and onion powder. Unlike last week’s brown rice and chicken, I looked forward to eating this meal as opposed to viewing it as a burden on my palate in the name of better food choices.

One of the healthy alternatives that I’m finding I like more and more is non-fat Greek yogurt and berries as a substitute for ice cream. I use frozen berries and let them thaw for a bit in a bowl on the counter which allows some of the juices to release into the bowl. How? I don’t know, science I’m sure, but as long as it tastes good I have no reason to investigate further. I add a few dollops of non-fat Greek yogurt to the bowl, stir and enjoy! Then I get to feel good about having something sweet that isn’t a million calories.

Just as important as developing healthier eating habits and better exercise routines is making sure I’m getting the rest I need. I realized last night that I might not be resting appropriately while in Zumba. The instructor put on one of my favorite songs for class, a bachata song, and I couldn’t get the steps right. I’m not referring to the choreography, I mean the basic 1-2-3-4 that I have been dancing (very well, I might add) for the last 20-ish years. I looked at myself in the mirror, like WTF is going on, and that’s when I realized that even though I had made is to Zumba physically I wasn’t there mentally. Thus, my choreography was a hot mess. I might not have been as high energy as some of my classmates and I made the necessary modifications for a less intense workout during the second half of class, but I was still active for 60 minutes and sweat plenty. That’s two weeks in a row for Zumba and the start of a great Tuesday night routine.

We’ll see what happens as we move into the next week. I’m taking a week off from meal prep. My dog is having a birthday party Saturday and because letting food go to waste is just not something I can do, I’ll be making meals out whatever ends up being leftover, if there are leftovers, until it’s gone. My exercise might suffer too as I’ve put off cleaning for the event and it’s only 3 days away now. There is only so much time in a day. My goal is to get to the gym 4 times in the next week, 3 days to work out and one day for recovery. I love the hot tub and sauna! If you’re leery about the hot tub, sauna and steam room at the gym due to their communal nature, a hot bath at home with Epsom salts works well too. Looking forward to that recovery and being ready to kill it in Zumba on Tuesday!

Welcome to the most inconsistent blog you’ll ever read. Meh, As always, I am what I am. It seems like every week or even every day I’m diving deeper into my being, stripping away those things that while they may have seemed important or relevant at one point, aren’t really in the grand scheme of things. So, what am I backtracking on this week? The online class of course! Currently lowest on the priority list, I’ll do it eventually. I absolutely find it mentally stimulating and challenging, but giving it time as part of my daily routine is not something I can do right now. But why? Because I find it to be more of a burden on my time and creative pursuits than I initially thought it would be. I’ve done this before, gotten really excited about doing something new only to get bored with the routine of actually having to do it.  I find myself in the same trap of trying to do too much and doing nothing as a result. This whole online class thing started as a way for me to put tangible skills on my resume. Check that one off the list because I did finish the first class I took. I thought I would roll right into the second, but nah, I don’t really want to, and guess what? That’s okay.

Most of us are in the habit of over scheduling ourselves because of good old FOMO (Fear Of Missing Out, for those of you who may not know) and also because we always want to do and be more. What ends up happening is a constant state of being overwhelmed leading to burnout. I didn’t come to this realization lightly, I spent hours on the couch last week watching TV. While laying there, I knew I should have been writing, taking class, exercising, but I just wouldn’t. So, I laid there some more and didn’t just mindlessly watch TV, I asked myself what it was about the schedule I had planned for myself that made it so easy to blow off, it was because once again, I had scheduled something that served as more of a distraction than a goal. I feel great right now. Because this is the trap I had fallen into at other times in my life and thanks to all work I’ve done on myself in the last couple years, I can now make that connection with my past and refocus my energy before wasting too much time. So, I took the eraser to my calendar and removed the blocks for the online class and smiled.

My initial go to was that I lacked discipline, but I don’t think that was the case. Discipline has been a recurring theme for me in 2020 because I previously didn’t have any. I did whatever I wanted on every whim. No more. Now that I’m fully focused on my health goals and writing every day, life is pretty great. I don’t know what comes next, but I plan to keep on sharing my journey. Especially because tracking my weight and reporting back on healthy habits holds me accountable to actually doing those things. Plus, it’ll be fun to look back one day and see the kind of progress I’ve made.

<Weekly Wednesday Weigh-in: 207.6>     

<Weight Change Since Last Week: -0.8>

Quarantine continues to gift me with the ability to eat as horribly as I want. Today was the first time I stepped foot inside a grocery store in over a month. I’ve been making due with the non-perishables on hand, ordering take-out, and sending my husband to the store with a small list. I watched a sad video of a cow crying while trying to back away from being pushed into the slaughterhouse and now I’m having issues with eating beef. The only upside to that is at least I’ve cut down slightly on my red meat intake. I’m going to continue to monitor my diet. Hubby and I already agreed the amount of take-out has been excessive so maybe I’ll try to get crafty with meal prep for the coming week? We’ll see. At the very least, I bought my salad stuff today so I can get back in the routine of having salad for one meal a day. Ever seen the episode of Seinfeld where Elaine asks for a big salad? That’s what I’m talking about. No dainty meals here. I love to eat!!

Just incase you’re wondering, I am still jogging regularly. And yup, it’s still the worst. We’re a year overdue on buying our new bikes so now we’ll get to contribute to the current bike boom that I’ve heard about. We’ll look like we’re participating in the current fad, but I assure you I am a lifelong biker and the delay in replacing my previous one is just another thing that I love to procrastinate on. Bike riding is the best and as soon as I have my new bike, I will jog no more. I eagerly anticipate that day, which could be as soon as this week. Yay!

Perhaps the most important aspect of an overall healthy lifestyle is loving yourself and spending time doing things that make you happy. So, after stripping down all the layers, I’m getting down to what I really love and what makes me happy. It feels wonderful and light and free. 

<Weekly Wednesday Weigh-in: 211.4>    

<Weight Change Since Last Week: +3.4>

Something ridiculous is going on. My weight continues to go up and I just had a good week. My diet remains inconsistent because of quarantine and not wanting to go into the grocery store so I eat a lot of take-out and the rest is whatever is available in the house. I had to stop cooking because I am so done with doing dishes it’s not even funny, I needed a break. I worked out too, more than usual, and I even did the thing I hate most, I jogged. Jogging is THE WORST! Keep your runner’s high to yourself, LOL, because all I feel is pain. Alas, without my weekly gym classes, I just wasn’t getting the cardio that I need to drop pounds. So why, on the week that I finally feel accomplished, do I see my weight trend in the wrong direction? Ahhh, well the only thing I can say is that’s probably that age old truth about muscle weighing more than fat. I have been using free weights at home and doing strength training, cardio is what I’ve been lacking for probably all of quarantine and maybe even some weeks before that too. Now that it’s been reintroduced I’m hoping to see the positive results I’ve been searching for. My war on cardio continues this week. Now if it would just stop f*cking raining so I can be outside that would be great.

It’s been a great week of growth and progress. I’ve found more balance in my days as the last week went on. I’ve prioritized three things: exercise, writing and an online class I’m taking. Mental stimulation is just as important to self-care as physical activity and a proper diet so I’m learning basic webpage design. I’ve gotta say it’s pretty cool. And because it’s a whole lot of information to take in, it’s helping me structure my days along with the several dog walks because I need breaks for all that knowledge to absorb. Full disclosure, there was a day I didn’t walk my dog, *gasp*. Always a work in progress, never a completed project, LOL.

I also took the time to make a list, just for reference, on the habits I want to break and change. It’s like 8 items long so I won’t bore you with it here, but it’s also given me a chance to create some focus in what I’m doing each day. Since I needed to figure out what is really going to motivate this evolution, I paid attention to what helped me to reach my goals and what caused a distraction.

I love a clean and organized home. When I start with my day without chaos reigning all over the apartment it tends to be a much more peaceful start. It also allows my focus to be on what it needs to: health & wellness. If I’m not worrying about needing to wipe everything down with Clorox wipes, tackling a mountain of dishes and picking up everything laying around the house, I can focus on what really matters.

Vision boards are amazing. Looking at mine keeps me focused on what the life plan is, it’s another thing that I constantly add to and adjust, just depending on what’s most important at the time and how future plans change. It reminds me of the plans I made for myself and also serves as a daily reminder for what I should be doing.

<Weekly Wednesday Weigh-in: 208.0>     

<Weight Change Since Last Week: +2.4>

This past weekend was like Chicago’s greatest hits… beef sandwich, pizza and wings, Mexican food… it was great for my mouth and my happiness, but I have eaten so much red meat lately it’s horrible. It’s probably one of the barriers to my weight-loss. I’m no nutritionist so I could never say for sure, but the sluggishness has to be related to the amount of animal fats I consume on a regular basis. Alas, this coming week, I hope to shift my eating habits to slightly less animal based consumption. Hopefully that will have positive results. I did start the week strong with workouts, tailing off the last few days. Consistency and regularity are what I need here. My plight for physical activity continues this week.

The online class and regular dog walks will help provide structure this week. My three main priorities each day are: writing, exercise and doing my homework. This will give me a daily focus and also hopefully prevent further Netflix binging (until a new season of one of my shows is released, of course!) If you feel like you’re just floating around and not getting anything done, try starting with one “must-do” per day. Once you’ve got that in a good flow, add something else. Everything in moderation is key to a balanced lifestyle.

Downstairs in the employee common area, I spritz on perfume after changing out of my work clothes into my evening clothes. Fuck! I forgot there’s no ventilation down here and I just spritzed like 8 times. This isn’t the kind of perfume you should overdo. Ugh, now I’m going to be that girl. The one everybody thinks is trying too hard. Oh well, can’t undo that now. Hopefully I air out some on the walk back upstairs. Maybe they won’t even notice.

Approaching my coworkers back by the cubicles, I try to casually slide into the group. Uh-oh, John is staring at me. I bet he can smell me. Crap, now Dave is staring too. I definitely sprayed too much.

John’s curiosity got the better of him. “Did you put on perfume?”

“Just a bit,” I replied, nonchalant. Dave continued to say nothing, but shared a glance with John that clearly conveyed their mutual agreement that I had put on more than just a bit of perfume.

I’ll just wait them out. Neither one of them will say anything. It would be rude to point out the strong scent of roses that seems to be forming an invisible cloud around me.

Other people join us, but nobody else says a thing. Social protocol dictates that they pretend they don’t notice the smell. People are always so worried about offending other people that most would rather not say anything at all. That is what saves me now. I’ll just wait them out and hope there are some strong winds on our walk to the bar.

You might have noticed the title change and that my pic isn’t just my fun socks and a scale. I couldn’t decide on a  new official blog title so you can expect randomness until I land on one that I love. I’m changing it because weight is not the only thing that matters. When I first started all this, dropping pounds was the primary focus with the hope that other lifestyle changes would follow as I worked toward that goal.  Tracking pounds is measurable, it made sense, but after 5 weeks, it’s kind of stale and not much fun. Some goals aren’t quantifiable, they’re just a feeling. I had way more fun this week practicing self-care by focusing on my skin care routine and attempting meditation. And guess what, while I was doing all that I had less time for snacking, YEAH! This was always supposed to be about total health and wellness, a change of lifestyle. It will take time and I’m willing to give it time, but sharing the journey with all of you keeps me focused on my evolution and accountable to working toward it.

<Weekly Wednesday Weigh-in: 202.4>                                                         <Total Weight Change: +1.8>                                                               <Fluctuation Since Last Week: -2.4>

Amazingly, my weight has trended back down in the last week. Portion control wasn’t great. I cleared half a tray of lasagna one night. Honestly, all I did was cut snacking down by about half for this result. To be clear, I still ate hot cheetos and pounded down half a pack of oreos, a few other things here and there, but significantly less than what I’ve been having in recent weeks. I gave myself a hearty pat on the back for this progress because seriously, I’m subconsciously heading to the fridge and pantry when I sit down to watch TV. It’s almost involuntary. I have to retrain my brain, dissociate watching TV and eating. Now that I’m aware boredom is guiding me, I ask myself two questions: 1. Why are you looking for food? 2. When is the last time you ate?

My workouts matched my intensity levels from the previous week so another pat on the back for consistency. I did get some exercise in 6 out of 7 days, WOOHOO! My pursuit of daily exercise continues again this week with the long-term goal being that I can get an intense, sweat filled session in 5 days/week with two days for yoga spaced accordingly. If I sweat 3 days per week at this point, that would be a win. The yoga has been hard to incorporate. For some reason, leading yourself in a flow is much harder to accomplish than following an instructor. But, there is plenty of free stuff online right now so it’s up to me to take advantage of this opportunity.  

I gave my body some love this past week. Sugar scrub, lip mask, clay mask for my face and I even pumiced my feet… not all in the same day. Even though we know we should take care of our bodies we don’t always. Whether it’s because we feel like we don’t have the time, lack the motivation or just completely forget because it’s not an ingrained habit, our skin suffers. Being conscious of it helps me, because even on the days when I’m not feeling like doing anything, I at least make sure to cleanse my face, tone and moisturize to keep my natural glow on point. Love your body, love yourself.

Hahaha, the meditation. I’m mainly doing it to help reduce anxiety. I get insomnia like a m*tha f*cka so this is one thing, among many different things, that I’m trying to deal with that nonsense. I made an effort to do it 3 out of 7 days, I may or may not have just blown it off completely a couple days, but that is neither here nor there. After two days of wondering if I was doing it right, I headed over to reliable old Google… The type of mediation I seem to practice (yes, there is a variety) is breath awareness/mindful breathing. Essentially, I focus on my inhales and exhales while ignoring all other thoughts that enter my mind. The batting away of random thoughts is almost constant, but I did manage to just breathe for a few breaths. My mind wanders to things like writing this blog, food, work, cheese, the fact that the dog needs a bath, food, wondering how much time is left till the 5 minute alarm goes off. I did make it to 7 minutes one day, but that was only because I set the alarm for the next day and while I was supposed to not be thinking thoughts, I thought, it’s definitely been more than 5 minutes and checked. It is what it is. Dismissing the thoughts is a work in progress and my fight continues this week!

Despite resting on Friday, I still felt like I was running myself ragged with the to-do list by Saturday. We can always find things to do, ways to keep us busy. Maybe it’s being stir-crazy that is making me feel like I should be getting stuff done, but I already waged war on my living space last year (see the Art of Purging posted Feb. 6, 2020). Too bad that didn’t stop me from reorganizing my movies by genre the last 2 days. I think the stir-craziness is manifesting as overloading myself with personal goals to-do list items. I’m putting a stop to it today because I need to find balance. A little routine wouldn’t hurt so I’m going to plan to take my dog on a few short walks throughout the day to build some structure into my aimless days and help with balancing my time. I didn’t realize yesterday was Tuesday until almost 8pm. I’m sure some of you are in the same boat being stuck inside.