#kaythekat

IF I ever get a tattoo, the only one I really want is: 

"Don't do anything I wouldn't do. I Love You, Grandpa" (in his writing)

I just love my grandfather so much. I know he doesn't have much time left and I pray every night that God would keep him safe and alive for the next important event in my life.He barely can get around and is currently on oxygen. Somehow he is still alive, barely, but still hanging on.

In all his life I am the Only grandchild he has ever said "I love you," to.  He never told his children, my mother or my uncle.

Every time I see him I hug him and say I love you. Usually he give me a smirk and I have to repeat myself until he says grudgingly "yeah yeah I love you too"

But this Christmas changed everything. I hugged him and for the first time in my life he told me he loved me first, without me pestering him. It doesn't seem like much, but you can tell. He has had a hard life and the war took a lot of love out of him. Somehow, I, me, little old me, brought love back into his life.

And maybe I'm reading too much into it, but I love him soooo much. For the past 3 months I couldn't sleep because I've been too worried if he is alright or wether or not he is breathing fine. One night at college for a week straight I had nightmares about him dying and me not doing things I could to help him. I stayed awake, thinking about it. In my mind festering. No one could help me. I just laid in my bed crying and hoping that my roommate would not hear me. I begged God for the nightmares to stop. I kept having them. I called my grandma after 3 days of this to ask her and check in to see if he was fine. I'm about 3 hours away from him at college. And when it is quiet at night, I think of him. Is he breathing, is he safe, is he ok? Every night as I say my prayers I think of him, and I get distracted and think about him dying. Think about me dying. Think about my grandma, is she alright, is she fine, is she ok? Its all I think about before I sleep. Every night prayers, grandpa, death, sleep. over and over. Night after night repeat. 

Are you guys excited about my costume for Seussical? 

No. YOu jerk.

WHAT