#kasmusser

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“--They conquered people--!”

“At least they took care of their own city, which is more than you can say for most sparks!”

“--have to agree, construct quality of life has always been better in Mechanicsburg than nearly anywhere else--”

“There are only so many constructs in Mechanicsburg because the Heterodynes wouldn’t stop experimenting on their subjects!”

“Oh my god, don’t start the fucking jӓger debate again, it’s documented record from jӓgers that their transformations were always consensual--”

“How consensual can it be when the person asking you to do it is a mad spark who rules your life?!”

“Jesus fucking Christ, Caroline, there are literally jӓgers still around who have talked about this.”

“...Wait, really? I thought they were all dead.”

“Caroline, no.”

~~

“What about the Dread Mistress of Mechanicsburg?” Someone finally brings up.

“Agatha Heterodyne?” Someone else asks. “What about her? I mean, we all know who she is, I don’t think anyone is arguing that she was a shitty person--”

“Isn’t there some theory that she was a fake Heterodyne, though?”

“Wait, really?”

“Oh, that would make sense.”

“No, oh my god, no, you guys are getting her confused with Zola Malfeazium, she’s the fake Heterodyne that showed up right when Agatha was making her claim.”

“Ohhhh.”

“It’s really hard to keep track of the Siege of Mechanicsburg, it feels like there’s, like, six years worth of events packed into a week or two.”

“Yeah, agreed.”

“We had a whole unit on it back in middle school, and I still can’t keep everything straight.”

~~

“STOP TRYING TO BRING THE TRUE HEIR TO THE STORM KING DEBATE INTO EVERYTHING.”

~~

“Klaus Wulfenbach could, like, get it. I don’t know why Lucrezia Mongfish decided to marry Bill Heterodyne over him--like, he’s okay looking, I guess, but Wulfenbach.”

“Wait,” The Professor says, “I need to look up pictures to see if I agree with you.”

Half a minute of googling later, there’s an inexplicably shirtless picture of Klaus Wulfenbach displayed on the two large monitors in the room.

“Yeah.” Cronus says after a moment. “Yeah, okay, I gotta agree, he’s a DILF. We’re way off topic now, though, we should circle back to Heterodynes--”

“Didn’t he manage to marry the Queen of Skifander?” Someone interrupts.

“Okay, he’s hot, but is he Queen of Skifander level hot?”

“Can we--Can we please stop debating the hotness of Klaus Wulfenbach? He’s, like, definitely a war criminal.”

“He literally was the only one enforcing laws, that’s the opposite of a war criminal--”

“Klaus Wulfenbach would definitely break the Geneva Convention.”

“THE GENEVA CONVENTION DIDN’T FUCKING EXIST--”

~~

“I would fuck a jӓger.” Someone says thoughtfully, into an unexpected lull of silence.

“Why do we need to know that.”

~~

“So, if you’ll look at my handy diagram--”

“Your drawing fucking sucks--”

“--You’ll see that, according to succession laws and several treaties, technically, the Heterodyne should be ruling all of Europa, currently.” After a moment, “Excepting Paris, because they preemptively argued their way out of it.”

“That’s presuming that Tarvek Sturmvoraus was the true heir to the Lightning Crown!”

“Again, this is not the time for the Storm King debate.”

“The Muses acknowledged him! Gilgamesh Wulfenbach acknowledged him! Agatha Heterodyne acknowledged him! He’s the best case we ever got, and since he took the position I don’t think arguing is going to change that.”

“Gilgamesh Wulfenbach and Agatha Heterodyne were married to him, of course they acknowledged him--”

“Actually, the official acknowledgement from Wulfenbach predates any kind of relationship between them significantly--I’m talking pre-time stop, here.”

“Really? How do you know? They never really went over that in my classes.”

“I read a lot of historical RPF. Those people cite their shit well.”

“Huh.”

~~

“Okay, but can we rewind and talk about Saturnus and Teodora Heterodyne? Isn’t it kind of fucked up that she was basically a hostage?”

“I mean, she killed him in the end.”

“Oh, really? I never really focused on that generation, that’s interesting.”

“Yeah, there have been some really good essays on how Teodora influenced the Heterodyne Boys into heroism, and how their parents relationship impacted them. Fascinating stuff.”

~~

“Hey, does anyone remember the Buzzfeed Unsolved episode on Klaus Barry Heterodyne?”

~~

“Can we take a field trip to Castle Heterodyne?”

“No. I don’t want to be liable for any student deaths. I’m an English professor, they don’t give me any spark disaster leeway.”

~~

“We’ve all seen the Buzzfeed Unsolved episode on Euphrosynia Heterodyne, though, right?”

“Euphrosynia Heterodyne was the coolest motherfucker on the planet and I would let her do many things to me.”

“She’d probably just kill you, my dude.”

“Yeah, but what a way to go out.”

~~

“So.” Professor Cronus says. “Ending thoughts? Were the Heterodynes good, bad, what?”