#kareen

dear joe bonham, i don't know where you are, i don't know whether your dead or alive and i don't think i even want to know. i hope wherever you are you remember me, and i hope you think about me, at least once in a blue moon. i think the not knowing is easier than the knowing. i think i can pretend in my mind that you're okay, you're somewhere and you're safe, but i know that isn't true. over these years, i've gotten married to another man. i don't love him, but he can provide for me. i hate to say the truth, that i don't love him, but you're the only person that i’ll ever be able to love. i feel like i’m forgetting bits and pieces of you, i cant remember what your voice sounded like anymore. the memories are blurry and unclear, but the feelings remain. like salt in the sea, i carry them, and they stay with me every single day. and every night i ache for you. oh, joe, all i wish is for you to come back to me. that would be the greatest thing. i had a bad feeling about you fighting from the start. oh, you should've listened to me! you big dummy! why couldn't you have listened to me?! i cant help but feel mad at you, but i know it isn't your fault. i just want to see you again, that's all i want. i want you to hold me while were both topless in the sheets. i want your warm big hands around my waist. i want your lips on mine. i want to feel whole again. i want to play with your stupid blonde wisps of hair, oh joe, all i ever wanted to be was yours. and maybe in some other life, were dancing and kissing and laughing under the night sky. the moon and all of the stars are glimmering. and your eyes are glowing, and you're getting all flustered because of how much you love me. you were the first person that i ever truly loved, i hope you know that. and i hope wherever you are, you miss me and you ache for me just as much as i do for you. i miss you more everyday as you become a further away memory, something i lost along the way. you're a wound that keeps opening. i think that i've moved on, that i've quit worrying about you and that i'm beginning to move on with my own life and worry about myself, and i think all of these thoughts have subsided, but they haven't, and i'm not sure if they ever will. i think i miss you more everyday. i wish you wrote to me, i wish i had letters, i wish i could read your writing over and over again. but all i have are memories, and memories fade, and once the memories i have of you fade i don’t think ill ever forgive myself. i love you, and ill never stop loving you. ill love you forever and always, ill love you tomorrow and a year from now and a decade from now and i'll love you on the day that i die. love, kareen.