#kapoetry

fuck the cult of suffering and fuck the idea that im attached to it maybe i'm just not getting better maybe getting better is harder than i thought it would be maybe they were right when they said it takes an average of ten years to learn how to cope with borderline personality disorder maybe i can't even tell what the cult of suffering looks like anymore i feel pretty good most of the time but sometimes i still just want to fucking die i've learned my skills and done my time but the SI still creeps up on me like a hurricane out of nowhere and i know i'm not supposed to feed into it because there are rules and scientific data but fuck it i'd rather take out my aggressions on paper or canvas than on myself which is a big deal for me; so let me make it clear this isn't about making shit look pretty this is about vomiting up my ugly symptoms the way you vomit up rancid food so it can't hurt you anymore. (k.a.)

let it be known that we did not "grow apart" you pushed me away every time i tried to get close you did not change you refused to change i did not give up on you i would have cut my skin open for you (in fact, i did) i was the rock and you walked away

i didn't learn how to be myself until you left (k.a.)