#kanthau

akk internally every episode: P-Please do!

Because that is the moment of realization for both of them, a moment when Kan knows he is a coward and Thua knows he isn't going to fight and they both have to admit to themselves who they are and who the other is. That Kan must see that he is not the knight he wants to be and Thua knows he is fighting alone.

Kan is so happy to grab Thua's hand, to guide him to safety, to protect him from the threats he perceives... but the threats he sees are not the real danger. The real danger is his fear, the real danger is him.

Thua wants, needs, someone beside him. He needs to be supported, he needs to know he's not alone and while he wants Kan to support him... Kan can't. Kan is a coward, Kan freezes, Kan cannot stand alongside Thua. He can stand behind, he can punch someone in a bathroom, he can stand on a beach and promise to listen.

But he is not strong enough to face them head on, to face the judgement that Thua faces every day.

Kan hates himself for being queer, Thua hates himself for being silent.

A coward and a bystander fall in love and they disappoint themselves again and again, hurt themselves again and again, stare at each other with longing and pain but knowing that they are not good enough for what they want, hating themselves and cursing themselves, Thua wanting to disappear and Kan wanting to do so much he can't.

Not complaining though, only because Kan/Thua are total, oblivious dorks-in-love, who are in dire need of some pink magic!

The worst part, anon, is that they're not oblivious.

I did like the touch of pink candy.

But just look at how they look at each other.

Just Kan offering that candy... that is not the look of someone just looking a friend.

That is not how you look at someone you don't love.

The most heartbreaking thing about these two is that they both know they're in love.

Thua knows that Kan cares about him. He knows that Kan defended him, he accepted the candy from Kan, he waits until he has plausible deniability to speak to him about what he did.

Thua knows.

And Kan knows. Kan knows he's gay. Kan knows he wants more with Thua.

But Kan is unable to move past his internalized homophobia, past his own internal fears, past the hundred year old rules and laws that rule Suppalo and to recognize and appreciate his own desire.

I wish they were oblivious, anon. That would hurt so much less.

But no.

They know.

The worst is that Thua knows and he accepts but Kan knows and he can only deny himself and yearn.

It's all about the way Kan looks at Thua... but also the way Kan looks when he's defending Thua.

But also... the way Thua looks at, and after, Kan.

They are both self-hating young men who are queer, know they are, but don't know how to safely or healthily express it. They're both trapped by expectations and family and society and they're both in agony with it.

But Kan is big. Kan takes up space with his fear and his insecurities and he overcompensates and he laughs and he pushes his friends and he hides himself behind the bigger parts of himself. He makes himself seen as he wants to be seen, to be viewed as he wants to be viewed and he accepts nothing else.

Thua is small. He makes himself small. He tries to take up no space, to not be seen, to be invisible. He hates that he is not braver, that he is not more powerful, that he cannot stand alongside other people. He wants to disappear. He wants to be nothing. To be seen is terrifying because to be seen is to be in danger.

Kan is ashamed of his queerness but Thua is ashamed that is not braver about his queerness.

Thua must be the one to let go because Kan wants to be a hero and he must see that he has to change to be a hero. Thua is not the one who needs to change because Thua is the one who needs to be supported and Kan is the one who wants to do that.