#kanejheadcanons

When she’d left, they had all gone to the dock to see her off

Jesper slung his arm around her shoulder, pulled her tight, and made her laugh with one last terrible joke

Then he watched as Kaz said goodbye, in whatever twisted way he was capable. It didn’t sit right with him.

The way Kaz spoke to her, how he held her hand, hell- how he looked at her. As if it were the first and last time he was seeing her.

Jes watched until he couldn’t any longer. Something had balled up inside him, manifesting itself in his pounding chest and heated cheeks

He recognized the feeling

It was the feeling of someone else winning at Makkers Wheel, of watching someone make Wylan laugh, of his revolvers in anyone else’s hands.

it was the feeling of jealousy

It warmed his skin and froze his bones. He hated himself for it.

It wasn’t as if he loved Kaz the way she did, wanted him the way she did. But you’ve been here longer, saved his life just as many times.

Then she was gone, disappearing into the sea like she’d always been good at. And a dullness settled in Kaz’s eyes as he headed back to his city.

Now, as they all approached the dock once more to welcome her home, Jes felt anxiety flipping in his stomach

Wylan must have noticed, taking one of the hands that he’d begun to tap along his thigh

The dock was crowded, a mess of ships coming and going, and still they knew which ship was hers as it sailed smoothly into her berth

And through the thick, bustling crowd they knew their Wraith by silhouette alone. Her grin was wide, her hair down and curling in the salty air.

Jesper laughed, his anxiety forgotten, as he grabbed her and lifted her off the ground

“Is it possible you got smaller out there?”

Inej laughed now. “Is it possible you’ve gotten taller?”

“Just prettier. But I see how that would be confusing.”

He let her go and Wylan reached for a hug. As they spoke, he became aware of a dark spot ebbing into view

And so did Inej.

She looked up to him, taking a deep breath as she scanned him in his entirety

When Jes followed her gaze, he could see that Kaz was doing the same to her

Then, Kaz reached a single hand out, every inch deliberate. She watched him with careful eyes until he gave a single nod.

Jesper was sure he didn’t make up the near desperation on her face as she rushed toward him for an embrace.

His hands wrapped around her frame slowly, pulling her closer and tighter to him. There was a hitch in his breathing and Inej looked up at him, but Kaz didn’t pull away.

As he watched, he could feel the ball of jealousy rattling once more

Wylan cleared his throat, “All of your things you left at the house are still there. You’re both more than welcome to eat with us tonight.”

Then he tugged at Jespers hand and off they went. He had turned back once to see that the pair separated, but the intensity on both their faces remained

What are you even jealous of? She deserves to be happy. That’s all that should matter to you.

It was dark by the time Inej snuck inside the Van Eck mansion. She approached the sitting room from behind, nearly scaring them to death

“Hope i’m not too late?”

After Wylan recovered from his heart attack, “Of course not.”

Jesper mustered a nod, unable to shake his feelings this time

Inej came around and sat in an open chair

And suddenly Wylan was up. He squeezed Jes’ hand and gave him a small smile. “I’ll just be in the kitchen cleaning up.”

Of course he noticed. My merchling has decided to be observant.

The two of them left sat silently for a bit, letting the crackling fire fill the air, then, “I missed you... I missed being here.”

Her eyes were already on him when he looked up. Inej gave him the barest smile and shrug.

“Well- I’m impossible not to miss.”

She laughed, pulling her legs up underneath her. “Fair enough. How was it here while I was gone?”

Jes let out a scoff. “Kaz didn’t tell you anything?”

“Not about Ketterdam, no.”

“Well it’s been shitty. He’s been worse than usual, if that’s even possible.”

He could see the look on her face as she registered that he was upset. Inej turned to the fire then.

“You know-“ He immediately regretted it. “I couldn’t begin to guess what he has over you but he isn’t worth it, Wraith.”

“Jesper. You’re being mean”

“To who? Him?”

She turned to face him now, her face severe. “To me.”

It was then that he crumpled.

Jesper fell inward, elbows on his knees, face in his hands. “I’m sorry- I just-“

You just what? What could you say to dig yourself out of this? Why do you even feel like this?

Then she was beside him, taking his hand.

“Jes, what is it?”

Even if he’d wanted to, he couldn’t lie to her. And he couldn’t control what he said next.

“You’re too good for him- we all are! And- and yet we all just go along with it all! For what? It’s not like we get anything back, he doesn’t even-“

“Care?”

Jesper looked up at her again.

“Look- I know how he is. He’s cold and frustrating and nearly impossible. But he’s also loyal and fierce and he would do anything for his crows. I think that’s what we all stick around for.”

“Is that enough?”

He could see her turning his question over in her mind.

“I wasn’t always sure but- I believe so. And if it isn’t, then we’ll revisit this conversation. Surely you can see that things are changing.”

Despite his anger or jealousy or frustration, Jesper couldn’t ignore that she was right. When isn’t she?

Kaz was changing. Between Per Haskell and Pekka Rollins, Inej leaving and becoming a barrel boss, he was different.

“Call me crazy. Call me too optimistic or pious for my own good, but there is something in him. Even if it’s buried deep.”

Jesper interrupted, “Very, very, very deep.”

Inej laughed. “I know.”

“I just want something in return sometimes. It feels like running on water and getting nowhere. The rest of us- that’s friendship, but him-“

“It isn’t the same. I understand that. Though he does feel something for you... something deeper than friendship I believe.”

He thought back to the clocktower of the Geldrenner, to the intensity in Kaz’s eyes. What do you think my forgiveness looks like, Jordie?

He nodded, supposing he wouldn’t start doubting Inej today.

“You aren’t alone, Jes. I know how you feel...”

That, he hadn’t even considered. Of course she knew how this felt, probably better than anyone.

“How do you do it, Inej? How do you love him?”

To his surprise, the Wraith smiled. “I love Kaz as he is, in every way. Not the boy he was or the man he could have been, but who he is right now. Ketterdam needs him like this just as much as it needs you and me as we are.”

Jesper hadn’t known Kaz before he had become the Bastard of the Barrel and he’d always had a difficult time placing him as a child. He couldn’t picture a young Kaz, coffee eyes and black hair glinting in the setting sun as his little legs carried him home.

But he figured Inej could. She always saw the big picture, the city from above instead of a single grimy street.

“How long will you be in Ketterdam?”

She shrugged. “As long as I’m needed here and not somewhere else.”

“Waffles in the morning then. On me.”

Inej laughed. “Jesper paying for breakfast? Things really have changed.”

It felt like a weight lifted off him as he laughed with her. “Dont get used to it.”

They stood, hugging for a brief moment.

“Goodnight, Jes.”