#kamalanidiaries

I’m doing the best I can.

I am trying so hard

And I know it’s not to please you

But I need you to understand that I deserve to be happy

I deserve to see my one and only little P

What I’m going through with you is unfortunate, but to give you some clarity

I deserve to have her in my life.

I am being treated wrongfully,

And it took me time to understand that some things cannot be changed.

But I shouldn’t have to seek for your approval.

You do not own me.

My choices, my life, it’s all on me.

I’m saying this for the sake of my well-being.

I cannot let others live their lives through me.

I will not settle for less than what I deserve.

And I deserve life –a happy, loving, wonderful and beautiful life.

I am not going to limit myself.

I accept that there are things I cannot change.

I understand that I’ve lost many because of my choices, but there should be an understanding that it should not be held against me.

I will not be a prisoner to my life.

I’m in recovery for me.

And though it may be a selfish thing, the ultimate goal is to have my child that I’ve created with my body in my life.

Please do not argue, please do not fight, that is not my intention.

I have rights.

I’m a mother, and a good one at that.

I have had some hang ups and down falls,

But who in their right mind hasn’t?

Everybody makes mistakes.

And when I chose to act on emotion I did some unrighteous things –don’t worry, they don’t go unnoticed, I take responsibility.

But I am here in rehab for me and my baby.

I’m doing the best I can to do what’s right.

And find it within me to actually speak my mind because I am so tired of living life on stand by.

Please respect me, I have raised your child the best I possibly could have struggling with my mental instability.

I do not want to have to beg on my hands and knees again, I just pray for an understanding.

I don’t wish any harm upon you and your family. I just pray for an understanding that we are family —at least that’s what it is for me.

i like things

i like things more than people

because these things that are things are

things that are listening.

things are people places and objects

clothing to be in specifics

magazines newspapers and letters piling as tall as a skyscraper called of which?

things.

because all i’m left with are the receipts of what happened to me.

electric bill high as a kite because i can’t sleep at night without a light.

what happened?

i was lying there and the monster appeared out of thin air.

right on top of me,

leaving me weak.

i yelled one of the first words we learned as kids that’s spelled S-T-O-P

stop!

but the monster wasn’t listening.

whose listening?

not you, not me.