#kaidanweek2019

The cardboard carrier read Molson Canadian Lager.  

“And in stasis, too,” its owner went on.  “That’s extra.”

Kaidan’s heart had physically stopped in his chest.  A stabbing ache that left him breathless.  He barely managed to raise his head.

John Shepard leaned against the bar, looking down at him with a smirk.  “Miss me?”

So it had finally come to this.  Enough pain and booze and loneliness, and he’d finally slipped over that last edge of insanity, and here was the hallucinatory proof.  John was eleven years dead.  Kaidan watched it happen, as the ship went to pieces over Alchera.

“What’s the matter?” the apparition asked, grin widening, as if pleased by his shock. “Cat got your tongue?”

Kaidan’s mouth moved.  Nothing came out.  Hand spastically gripping his warm beer bottle.

The bartender came over, and gave the six pack a very pointed look.  “Anything for you, sir?”

John glanced away, distracted.  “Uh, sure. Whiskey, neat.”

“You can see him?” Kaidan blurted out, garnering several odd looks.  

The bartender huffed.  “They’re really running you hard out there, huh.  You haven’t had nearly that many.”

Then she took herself off to fix the drink.  John slid into the next stool.  Reached over and tentatively took his hand, solid and real as the simulwood beneath his grasp.  “Kaidan, it’s me.  I wanted to surprise you, not… I didn’t think it through.”

His hand closed on his fingers without thinking.  Clinging so tightly the tips went white.  He suddenly couldn’t look at him.  Burying his eyes in his palm.

The barstool scraped along the floor.  And then John’s arm was around his waist, warm and strong and exactly how he remembered. His chin on his shoulder.  “Kaidan, it’s going to be okay.”

That broke him.  Because nothing had been okay, not once. “How?”

Then, as John opened his mouth to answer, Kaidan turned into him and put his face in his shoulder, his own arms sliding around the man he knew he’d never touch again. “Never mind.  I don’t care.”

“It’s a long story, anyway.  Not a particularly happy one.”  John’s voice muffled in his hair.  “I destroyed the reapers.  Then I got the Ark put together.”

“You—”

“How do you think it got done so quickly after the war?”  Kaidan could feel John’s grin against his head.  

It was infectious, cutting across his stunned disbelief. That cockiness was John all over. “And they didn’t make you their pathfinder?”

A chuckle. His chest tightened again at the sound. “I told them I had a different mission.”

Kaidan pulled back, searching John’s face, seeing it clearly for the first time. The flesh was cut here and there by orange cybernetic scars, their glow muddying his blue eyes.  His hair still buzzed close to his scalp.  He hardly looked a day older than Kaidan’s memories, but there was a heaviness in his expression, a weariness, an age, that spoke of things that could not be unseen.  He stroked John’s cheek.  “And how’s that going?”

“I think I’ll be able to report success.”  He leaned forward and kissed him.

That was the last clear memory Kaidan had of the next several hours.  John’s lips meeting his.  Shepard was a hard man, but his touch was so gentle, and that above all else convinced Kaidan this was really happening.  His whiskey went ignored.  As did Kaidan’s next beer, and the small parade of drinks they continued ordering to justify their seats.  They talked. Kaidan barely cognizant of what about even as they spoke, too caught up in a single circular line of thought: John is here, John’s alive, John survived Alchera and somehow he crossed dark space to find me again.  

Somewhere in there he apologized.  For leaving, for running so very far.  John hadn’t said anything to that.  Just kissed his cheek and held him a long moment. 

But even on Kadara, bars closed eventually.  They needed a few hours to mop up and restock.  The pair of them staggered out into the street, drunk on each other, the only six pack of Canadian lager in twenty-four quintillion kilometers banging against his leg.  Then John paused, leaning into him.

“There’s something else.”  He cleared his throat.  “I brought someone with me.”

All Kaidan could do was stare.  John rambled on.  “I didn’t want to wake her until I found you.  I needed to know… well, there was a chance you’d died somewhere along the way, or something just as horrible, what with the rough entry your wave had to Heleus, and I had to know what to tell her before she came out of cryo.”

He couldn’t believe it.  This was outrageous.  “You brought a back-up plan?”

“What?” And John’s confusion was so genuine it took him several blinking moments to figure it out.  “No.  Goddamn it. What do you take me for?”

“Then what—”

“I brought your mother, Kaidan.”

Kaidan was still as a stone.  Too stunned to move, his throat slowly closing up. John said, “Your father died in the war.  I’m sorry.  I found her afterward, told her what I was doing.  She insisted.  I thought she might.  You told me she’d never been to space, and well, this was one hell of an introduction.”

He took John’s head in his free hand and pulled him down into a long kiss.  “I can’t believe you.  I honestly can’t believe you.”

“I couldn’t believe you just left.  I know how important your family is to you.”

Kaidan rested his forehead against John’s.  “I know, I know.  I just… I missed you so much, I couldn’t stand it.”

John kissed him again.  Light, lingering.  “You won’t ever have to miss me again. Just maybe, this time, let’s skip the cryo?”

————————————————–

“Our ideas of fun are very different.” Kaidan shouted above the gunfire.

She laughed, and he felt his heart jump into his throat at the sound.

“If we survive, I’ll take you out for actual drinks, I promise.”

“If?” he asked.  

“I’m a realist.” she leaned out from behind the wall, firing two more shots before her clip emptied, “Shit, I’m out.” 

“Me too.” he holstered his gun.

“Come on,” she nodded to the left, and they quickly make their way down the alley and out the other side.

They quietly sprinted from shadow to shadow through the district. Kaidan was primed to cross an open area when Shepard yanked him back, holding a finger to her lips.

“Where’d they go?” A voice crackled over a radio just around the corner, “I lost ‘em.”

“What’d they look like?” A man’s voice asked. He couldn’t have been more than steps away. 

“It was dark, didn’t get a good look.”

“You idiot.”

“Fuck you,” the man on the radio responded, “tell ya what, if two people start shooting at you, shoot them back.”

“Real sage advice, asshole.”

They were seconds from discovery, and they had nowhere to go. The street was a dead-end, and they were out of ammo. Shepard tugged at Kaidan’s jacket. He pulled it off and she slipped it over her shoulders and quickly freed her hair from its bun.

“Apologies in advance, Alenko.” She whispered in his ear.

“Wha—,” the question died on his lips as Shepard’s mouth met his.

He closed his eyes, eagerly compiling as she leaned back on a low crate and pulled him closer. Anything to keep her lips against his. Her knees dug into his sides as her legs spread around him, and her arms tangled in his hair. He forgot about everything else, falling deeper into the kiss. 

One hand slid up the warm skin of her exposed thigh and the other behind her neck. She opened her mouth as he tipped her head back, and he glided his tongue slowly along hers. It was like he had spent his entire life drowning, and her lips were oxygen. He couldn’t think, couldn’t get enough.

Distantly, he heard the man come to a stop just around the corner of the street, “Ugh—,” he made an irritated sound as he walked away.

“See something?” the radio crackled.

“Nothing. Clear over here.” he retreated.

Shepard pulled back slightly, watching just over his shoulder as the man disappeared down the dark street. Kaidan couldn’t take his eyes off her lips or the smeared lipstick around her mouth. He closed his eyes tightly, desperately hoping she couldn’t feel how heavily his heart pounded in his chest.

“Looks like he’s gone.” She finally spoke, her voice quiet. Later, he would wonder if he had imagined the breathless tone. “I, um—,” she cleared her throat, “Alenko?”

“Yeah?”

“You’re still—,” she didn’t have to finish her sentence before he dropped his hands from her body, stepping back and allowing her to stand.

She straightened out her disheveled dress, “I’m sorry about that. I—uh, hope I didn’t make you uncomfortable.” She gestured between them, “The whole, um—.”

He wasn’t sure he had ever seen the Commander so uncertain. 

“No, I wasn’t—I’m not…” He said quickly before clearing his throat, “it was—it was kind of…nice.” She raised an amused brow as he continued to stammer, “Not kind of, very. It was…very nice.”

She held up a hand to stop him, releasing a small, surprised laugh. 

“It’s okay Lieutenant, this won’t be on the exam.” she joked. 

He couldn’t quite tell in the dark, but he thought he could see her cheeks reddening. 

“Well, I’d say we got what we needed.” She gestured to her omni-tool, “Sorry I hijacked your shore leave.”

“Any time.”

They stood in silence, closer and longer than was necessary.

“Well, I should—go.” She backed away, “Anderson will want to see this.”

“Right,” he straightened up, “Uh, good luck. See you…see you on the ship.”

He watched her leave. So much for keeping his mind off Shepard.

——————————————–

Kaidan wandered around the Wards a while longer, and was actually in a good mood until he got back to the ship. 

“Lt!” Ashley called out to him, waving him over to where she sat with Joker. “We were just play—” she stopped mid sentence, “Where have you been?” a mischievous look spread across her face as she sat back, crossing her arms.

“So scandalous, Lieutenant.” Joker teased, shuffling a deck of cards.

Kaidan must have looked confused because Ashley mercifully gestured around her mouth. The lipstick. He squeezed his eyes shut as though the it might help him disappear, but when he closed his eyes all he could see was Shepard. He could practically still feel her against his skin, and in that moment, he didn’t care how he looked at all. 

“Laugh all you want.” he waved them off, “I’m going to sleep.” 

“Oh come on, Lt!” Ashley turned around in her seat, “We’re just playing, come tell us about your lady love.” she said the last part in a sing song voice.

“Yeah, how much did she cost?” Joker added holding up a hand for a high five Ashley ignored. 

Kaidan waved them off, ignoring their laughter as he made his way down the hall.

The conference door hissed open as he passed. Anderson emerged, face buried in a data pad. 

Kaidan stopped immediately in salute, “Captain.” he waited for Anderson to pass.

The captain looked up briefly before returning his attention to whatever he was reading, “At ease.” he continued walking into the elevator across the hall.

Kaidan dropped his arm, and was about to walk away when Anderson spoke again, “You know Lieutenant, I had no idea you and the Commander wore the same lipstick.” 

“I..wh..uh—,” Kaidan stammered lamely as the elevator door slid shut. 

He could have sworn he saw a small smile twitch across the Captain’s face before he disappeared, but he’d never ask.

Kaidan beelined for the bathroom, washing all traces of lipstick from his face before returning to his bunk. As he approached his bed, he saw his jacket, neatly folded on his pillow with a note on top.

Thanks for the help tonight. I owe you a drink. -J 

“It’s alright, Kaidan.”

Or maybe:

“Apology accepted. I don’t think either one of us were in the right frame of mind to have that meeting. After everything we’d just seen, the Collectors.” Shepard would trail off there and Kaidan would feel a familiar pang in his heart, the strange sinking feeling of something returning to normal that Kaidan hadn’t even realized had been out of balance.

“Yeah, still it doesn’t excuse what I… accused you of. You’re a good man, Shepard. Whatever that military tribunal decides, I know you’re a good man.” Because it was true. Shepard had proven himself to be one of the most trustworthy, good men Kaidan had ever known early in their acquaintance aboard the SR-1.

“I don’t know about that. But I know where my loyalties lie,” Shepard might say, grim-faced, still, despite the healing words.

“Losing you really was like losing a limb.”

No, he couldn’t say that. Couldn’t just blurt that out. Kaidan closed his eyes, his shoulders sagging. But it was his imagined conversation, and he needed to say that, again. Not in the heat of the moment, not to prove a point, but to make sure Shepard really knew it. He let the words hang in his imagination.

“What do you mean?” Shepard might reply. The question Kaidan dreaded more than any other. For the first few months after Shepard’s death (but he hadn’t been dead, had he? Kaidan temper replied) he had struggled to find words for what he was feeling. ‘Losing a limb’ was the way he operationalized the feeling. He had never tried to articulate further what he meant.

“I didn’t realize how much I relied on you. How much I needed you in my life to make things seem… whole.” He couldn’t look Shepard in the eye, in his imagination. It was simply too difficult, those blue eyes boring into him.

“Then why didn’t you trust me when I came back?”

Why was Shepard’s voice in his head always saying the things Kaidan was most afraid to hear? Was this penance?

But in his mind, Shepard didn’t sound accusing, he sounded plaintive. Searching. That surprised Kaidan.

“Because I don’t trust Cerberus!” He roared in his mind. “You shouldn’t have either! There was nothing we couldn’t do if we just stuck together, dammit! Why didn’t you contact me when you came back? Why didn’t you trust me enough to come away from those evil monsters and let me help you?”

Before he could take back the words, the Shepard in his imagination began to fade like a smoke wisp carried away on the wind.

“Wait, Shepard, come back! I didn’t mean… I didn’t mean it. Just come back, we can work this out!”

But he was gone, and Kaidan opened his eyes. He was alone.

“I’m being promoted to Major,” he said out loud, at last. “I just thought you should know.”