#justsam

Project Hail Mary mayhaps?

I know you’ve been carrying more than you admit. You smile through things that quietly exhaust you, stay strong when you really want rest, and keep going even when you feel unsure of where you’re headed. I need you to know that I see you.

You are not behind in life. You are growing at your own pace, even on days that feel slow and unproductive. Every mistake, every delay, every heartbreak has shaped you into someone more aware, more resilient, and more capable than you realize.

Please stop being so hard on yourself for not having everything figured out yet. Life is not a race, and healing is not linear. You are allowed to pause. You are allowed to change your mind. You are allowed to outgrow people, dreams, and versions of yourself that no longer fit who you’re becoming.

I hope you remember that your worth is not measured by your productivity, your salary, your appearance, or how much you do for other people. You deserve love, peace, and kindness simply because you exist.

There will be better days. Days where your chest feels lighter, where your laughter is genuine again, where you no longer question whether you are enough. And when those days come, I hope you look back at this version of yourself with compassion instead of criticism. You survived things that once felt impossible.

Thank you for not giving up.

Even when you were tired.

Even when you were disappointed.

Even when nobody noticed how hard you were trying.

I’m proud of you for staying.

Love,

My skin came with its own constellation

I have five moles on my arm and if you squint, they form a triangle. I only noticed recently and now I can’t stop looking at them.

Like… my body just did that. On its own. No input from me whatsoever.

I started looking it up and apparently triangle-shaped mole patterns have a lot of meanings depending on who you ask. Some say it means you’re destined for something big. Some say triangles represent balance and strength. In some Filipino beliefs, mole clusters are actually considered lucky marks. And there’s this idea that moles are like your own personal star map, connected to the sky the night you were born.

Or it’s just biology and my melanin was being creative. That’s also valid.

Honestly I don’t know which one I believe but I’m going with the star map thing because that sounds way more interesting than the alternative.

Your body is out here doing little art projects on you without telling you. You just have to slow down enough to notice.

Sometimes the hardest part of being in a relationship isn’t even the relationship itself, it’s the people who think they have a say in it. The in-laws who constantly suggest how things should be done, what decisions you should make, how you should live your life. Advice that isn’t asked for, repeated over and over like it’s something you’re obligated to follow.

At first, you try to understand. You tell yourself they mean well, that maybe it’s just their way of caring. So you listen, you nod, you try to be respectful even when it already feels like your own voice is getting smaller in the process.

But there’s a limit to patience. There’s a point where “suggestions” stop feeling like help and start feeling like control. When your own choices are constantly questioned, when your boundaries are ignored, when what you want is treated like it matters less just because they think they know better.

And it builds up quietly. The irritation, the frustration, the feeling of being cornered in your own life. Until one day you realize you’re no longer just annoyed, you’re exhausted. Drained from having to defend decisions that shouldn’t even need defending in the first place.

Our dog passed away.

He was the only dog who stayed with us the longest, 15 years. No breed, just a family dog, but I loved him more than I can properly explain.

He was with us since I was in my first year of college, all the way through graduation, and even now that I’m already working. He was there through every version of my life so far. It feels strange thinking about how much of my growing up he witnessed quietly just by being there with us.

Lately, Mac stopped eating much. Maybe it was really just his age catching up with him. Watching him slow down day by day was hard, but I keep telling myself that maybe this is kinder than seeing him struggle every single day.

While typing this, I can’t stop crying. It hurts in a way that’s hard to put into words. But I also try to hold on to the thought that we gave him a good life, and he gave us something even better in return: loyalty, comfort, and a kind of love that never asked for anything.

I will miss you, Mac. Thank you for being part of our family and my life for so long. I will never forget you.

You were our last dog. And I don’t think I can go through this kind of loss again. It hurts too much when a pet this close to your heart is gone.

This was your very first photo when you were given to us. You were so cute here, and you were still so tiny.

Maybe it’s because i stopped vaping. Maybe it’s my body looking for something to replace the habit. Aaaahhh it’s so hard 😩. Everything feels a little off and i keep reaching for anything sweet just to distract myself.

And honestly it’s really hard. It’s that feeling of looking for something to smoke after eating, or when you’re just doing nothing and your hands feel empty. The cravings hit at the most random times, like your body is on autopilot and expects it to be there.

Right now I’m already thinking about buying again. Like my brain is trying to convince me that one won’t hurt, that I can just “reset tomorrow.” But I know that’s how it starts.

It’s like part of me already knows the cycle. finish one, tell myself it’s the last, then suddenly I’m thinking about getting another. I hate how automatic it feels sometimes.

But at the same time, I really do want to quit. not just say it, but actually mean it this time. I’m tired of going in circles with this habit, tired of feeling like I’m not fully in control of my own choices.

Maybe this is the part where it gets hard. maybe this is exactly what trying to quit is supposed to feel like. messy, uncomfortable, and full of second thoughts.