#justmeagain

sometimes I realize how much I miss having someone to talk to and being able to really say what I feel and feeling like someone realy cares how sad I am and idk just tries to understand me and be present and not make every interaction about how i make they feel about themselves for being sad, and makes me so sad not having that and I realy dont know how to create a bond like that and every time I try it becomes something like "just do this and it will get better" or "im a failure becauseyoure not happy” or like everything i say becomes a insult, feels like im just sad because i wanna make someone feel bad about themselves and idk I just wanted to feel less alone and be able to say my feelings and have someone to hold me and be present 😞

I just wanted a normal day, a happy weekend without having to be miserable all the time ): a day where i woke up and everything started off happy and it wasn't so depressing anymore, my whole week is rubbish, i wish it at least these days would be happy again :/

i really wish this year would pass in like two days and i could go back to my life and my normal routine, all this instability and stress and not knowing what will happen in the future is ruining my year.

Sometimes I wonder if that movie thing where one person is sad and the other just supports and is on their side, hugs and says that everything is going to be okay without having to go through minutes of hell for any trace of this is really just fiction, I hope my my whole life for having this and even now I feel like I'm becoming more and more distant, everything seems so complicated and confusing and whenever I try to open up I feel more like I should close myself off, I feel like nothing that's important to me really is important, and I live on top of other people's dreams and desires, and when I try to have any kind of will it's like I'm always asking too much, being too much, feeling too much, expecting too much, when in the end all I expected was company and support when I'm sad, someone to talk to and hug me without crucifying me :/ so, I don't know, I'm giving up.

I thought taking a vacation would make me calmer and less tired but I've never been so tired and exhausted :/ I just wanted to have calm days :/

god is testing my patience is the only explanation :/

Sometimes I just want to have the feeling that my presence matters in things, even more so in important moments in the lives of the people I love, but it seems like that day never comes and I always feel that no matter how much I care about being present for some things, celebrating the big or small things in the lives of the people I love, my presence will always be just a nuisance and mean something only in moments where there is no one else. idk its just another day that i wanted to feel like im the someone for someone. :/