(via https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6xju7KjJbR0)
Desirée Dallagiacomo and Justin Lamb – The Friend Zone
 “For the so-called Nice guys who complain about being placed in the friend zone…
Shut up. Zip it. CLOSE YOUR MOUTH.
We’re sick of you playing the part of compassionate listener around female friends, only to whine when your benevolence fails to result in… boogy.
As if there weren’t better causes to whine about! Like patriarchy! Entitlement! Valuing women for our ability to cure your boner and not our actual personhood.
NEWSFLASH! Women are not slot machines that respond to your kindness with sex. Thinking you are owed something for not being an asshole, makes you an asshole!
But somehow, you have decided that you are the victim… Screwed by women’s decisions not to screw you, mansplaining why you don’t belong in the friend zone… We know these points have been made before. But there is one question that everyone overlooks:
Who the fuck complains about being placed in something called “the friend zone”??  IT SOUNDS AWESOME!!
Like autozone! Buffer-friends!
You act like the friend zone is the worst place ever, but there are plenty of worse places… Like a wafflehouse bathroom at 3am. The elephant graveyard… You must never go there, Simba… ALL NINE CIRCLES OF HELL!
Whenever I think of the friend zone all I can picture is the most magical place in the world, where the humans are real but the animals are cartoons, they smile and talk to you, and the sunflowers have faces and they look down at their branches and say… “heyyyy, I’m glad I’m growing and all, but these buds will never compare to the ones standing next to me! Thank you for being a friend”
MY friend zone is an island of possibility where there will be no creeps, but there will be lots of crepes, made by friendly pirates!
You may not like being placed in the friend zone…
But where else are you going to find a zone with its own theme song that goes:
“Hanging with my friends in the friend zone! Where everyone gets a high-five! There’s a lot of pizza here and we’re happy to be alive! Yeah!”
There will be no sexting in the friend zone!
No dick pics! No unwelcomed grinding!
No shady attentions disguised as kindness, only actual kindness!
Consensual hugs, and a giant boat filled with smores… Called the friend…ship.
And if that doesn’t float your boat, if real friendship is somehow disappointing, then nobody wants your ass in the friend zone anyway.”
