As someone with adhd who is struggling and still recovering from a major burn/total collapse. How does one deal with failure when you know that this failure was still a massive improvement like I probably failed two of my classes but also the fact that I made it to class 80% of the time and only 20% of my dishes were left dirty long enough to turn into a science experiment as a win but that doesn’t matter to the rest of the world. I feel both like I’m improving and getting a better grip on things and also like an absolute failure who can and should be doing so much better. I don’t ant to improve I want to succeed but I’m stuck and don’t know how to like I’m drowning and don’t know how to ask for help because it feels like I shouldn’t.
Sent December 7, 2023
Okay, first of all, HOORAY FOR MAKING IT TO CLASS AND KEEPING YOUR DISHES CLEAN! Regardless of anything else, those are two huge achievements. I don't care what the rest of the world thinks, I care that you did something that huge for you.
I also completely understand feeling stuck, feeling like you're drowning, feeling like a failure, not feeling able to ask for help. I'm not great at dealing with it yet, but I can at least tell you what's been helping me a little bit.
Redefining "success". Society has all these expectations about what constitutes success and how people should achieve it. I do my best to dump that stuff when it comes up, because it's just not applicable to me. (This is not easy.)
Doing "the next right thing". Sometimes the only thing you can do is the thing that makes sense in the moment. That has to be okay. So when you're feeling stuck, think about the one thing you can do right then to help you get where you want to be.
Reaching out for help, or at least for advice. This is not easy, but if you can find somewhere to go for support (like here!) it will be really good. I recently posted about some personal stuff in a Discord server and found out that some of the others there have the same problems. I also posted about some different personal stuff on Reddit and have gotten some great suggestions for how to deal with them. Both places have offered support in different ways, and that's what I need sometimes.
Here are a few tips about redefining success.
Think about what you really want to achieve. Just you.
Think about what you actually need in order to do that. For example, if you want to be a published author, do you need a degree in creative writing? If not, what do you actually need?
Think about how you can get what you need and achieve your goal.
Success doesn't have to mean "perfect" any more than it has to mean "rich". When I was working in Early Intervention, we considered a skill mastered when the student was able to do it correctly 80% of the time. It sounds to me like you did that this year, even if it didn't result in passing grades.
When you don't get that 80%, look at where things broke down so you can try and keep that from happening next time. For example, did you struggle with completing assignments on time? Maybe you need to get extensions on the due date. Maybe you need to break an assignment down into smaller steps and give each step a deadline so you can get it done and turned in on time. I obviously don't know, but if you need help figuring that stuff out we can help if you give more details.
Followers, do you have any words of celebration or encouragement (or both!)? Please share!
-J
