#just.why.

goodmorning

"My best friend deserves to know that I have to pee."

lately i've been pretty into myself. not like, insulting others to make me look good, but i've talked enough about myself to make me feel shitty about it. and i loathe this feeling because it's very conflicting. i tend to be really hard on myself and even though that stresses me out, it helps keep me grounded and not be complete asshole. and now that i've been confident, for the lack of a better term, i feel like such a dick. i hate the idea that i'm annoying people with my pride. the issue is not even my constant berating of myself, i just think that i have an okay idea of what a decent display of pride is and instead come off as dramatic or even obnoxious and these thoughts are what keep me up at night. to say that i care what people think about me wouldn't be as accurate as saying i just don't want people to dislike me for the wrong reasons. ideally, there would be no right reasons, but i'm aware that i can be pretty shitty. another thing i dislike about myself is that i'm a people pleaser. i don't necessarily say what people want to hear, but when i'm talking to people i don't like, i still make the effort to be nice. i do it because i want to avoid conflict and really, i just don't have it in me to be directly mean to someone, especially if a person isn't mean to me. and i know there really isn't anything wrong with that, but i still feel like i'm lying to the person because i can't just be straight up with them. and i feel any kind of justification or qualifying to my actions just makes me more of a dick. i was having a decent day and stuff, but i had too much coffee all at the same time, so i think i'm just crashing right now and the shakiness is trying to make a mess of me again. i don't wanna be a mess right now. i just wanna sleep, but i can't because my suite mate got me a new mug and i thought it'd be good idea to have a coffee. so i had four. one of the worst parts about this is that i don't even wanna tell anyone. i don't wanna tell anyone about how i'm feeling because it's 4am and no one is awake and i hate being a burden to other people and tell them about my ridiculous self-esteem issues. but i need to get it out and this is my personal blog so i'm allowed to talk about how fucking stupid i feel all the time.