#just...ignore this

I have learned so much since I was 14 years old but I’m still learning

but apparently...it’s for an entirely new group? which is??? not to be That Way, but i hope bighit doesn’t plan on trying to market them as a new bts

My mother called me stupid and chose her (now ex) husband over me, so I went with my siblings to live with my dad. My father tells me things in a way where I feel like he never wanted me in the first place. And so I feel like I'm not worth anything to them and that hurts. Because at times I want to be held by kind warm arms, to rocked back and forth. I want someone to brush my hair to the side, press their lips in a maternally affectionate way and tell me that their proud of me for fighting to stay alive. My brother at times thinks I'm a bitch because I act distant when stressed out from all the acting grown up. He's childish, and that's what I envy, because he has the imagination of a child but the skills of an adult. My little sister calls me stupid because I try to tell her to do things, because I want her to mature just a bit more, so I can look at her and think she's achieved so much and that the world never knew what hit them. And I try my hardest to work hard so I can get a good career and be able to buy them something for their birthday. I get tired and stressed juggling all those responsibilities that my head just wants to stop thinking. I have to act like all those names they called or all those things they say don't hurt. And that I don't regret everything I have ever said back to them in anger, when in reality, I want to write a thousands of pages on every way I can say I'm sorry. I'm sorry I can't do certain things because I'm too busy worrying about the future. I'm sorry I act all distant and quiet after a bad day, then don't tell you about it. I'm sorry I called you names out of frustration. But it's hard. It's hard to stand up tall and say it's okay when you​ hear those things. It's hard to say I'm fine when I want to hide in my blankets and never come out. It's hard to hear that I am a problem because of the way I act because then I think I was made wrong, with the wrong parts borrowed from the wrong places. That I was not how you want or wish me to be and I'm sorry about that. It's just hard to make me believe I'm worth anything when I'm put down. I'm sorry I wasn't made with good parts.