#just nonbinary lizard things

so for a really long time I didn’t feel like I could claim the word trans because I’m not ftm, and because I’m pretty femme sometimes it always kinda felt like I would be ‘stealing’ the word trans. and I like my birth name, and she/her always felt fine, and I kinda ‘grew out of’ my chest dysphoria. but, well, things change.

I came out on fb as non-binary and genderfluid during TDoV this year, ~march 31st~ I was still using she/her alongside they/them.

~september 1st~ I officially switched to they/them in my school email signature and to everyone on fb

~september 12/13th~ I got hit with the first major chest dysphoria I’d felt for about.. six years? the last of it had been at community college. back then I couldn’t really afford a proper binder, I mostly just doubled sports bras. and I don’t know quite what made it come back, but here we are! it could simply be that I’m comfortable enough with my gender at 24 that I have the confidence and independence to pursue the surgery I so desperately wanted when I was 18.

on ~september 17th~ I introduced myself as trans to someone I didn’t know for the first time, at a queer embodiment book talk. and on ~september 19th~ I went to the trans group on campus, transcend, for the first time. I was always worried about going, I guess because I didn’t know if I would be accepted as an at-the-time quite femme non-binary bean. but it was so lovely and welcoming that I’m headed back this week.

I’m fortunate enough to have a trans healthcare center within an hour of me, and I reached out to them and got set up to meet with a therapist on ~october 1st~, and a physician on ~october 11th~. my insurance requires that I see a therapist for gender stuff for a painful whole-ass year before they’ll cover top surgery, so I guess we’re gonna do the thing. maybe work on my executive dysfunctioning brain while we’re at it.

I think at this point I’ve gone from kind of freaked out to really pretty excited, tho there are still a few steps I’d like to take. mostly coming out in a few other places, and a few wardrobe switches. I already have some new tomboyx shorts on their way, and I’m vaguely considering getting a binder. I kind of do prefer sports bras tho, and I don’t have to worry as much about long-term damage. my dance clothes give me some good compression too, and I can get away with wearing them through the day.