#junseok angst

───── ❝ nocturnal. ❞ ─────

My eyes shifted from side to side, constantly checking if there was someone still awake – well, more specifically, someone I knew. 

It was four in the morning and I had just woken up from my three-hour nap, which made the other two believe that I had already fallen asleep. Was I smart for doing that? Maybe but god, that painful headache was a horrible aftermath. But was it my fault that I couldn't stop myself from feeling tempted to know more? Okay, maybe but that's not the point.

The feeling was uncontrollable. It was like a rope was tightened around my waist, dragging me into a cave of untold stories. A room of forgotten memories. 

And I just can't bear standing here, doing nothing even if I already knew that he was… not alright.

My hand was balled into a fist as it hovered above the door of his room, resulting in me gulping as I braced myself before letting my knuckles lightly hit the door's surface. For a while, I stood there, wondering if my choices were even worth doing as the door soon opened, revealing him in another all-black outfit. 

This time, he actually looked like he was about to take a rest and not on a runway.

“Hm? Hey, there.” Junseok was acting weirdly relaxed as if nothing had happened earlier, causing me to slightly frown, which made him a bit ashamed of it. The door was quickly opened wider, allowing me to come in as I saw how organized his room was.

Something far from mine.

Well, it wasn't just the organization of his belongings that I was impressed at but also the extra furniture he had; like porcelain figures and such.

All of it looked amazing.

Turning around to look back at him, Junseok made his way to pull the chair next to his desk forward as he later sat on the edge of his bed. 

“You know why I'm here,” I told him, gaining a nod from him as I sat on the chair he pulled out, resting my arms over the desk as I leaned my chin over my knuckles. It was quiet and the two of us were equally awkward around each other. 

Well, who wouldn't? The topic was too surreal for me to understand in one day. 

But then, it was real. “How were you… found?” I asked, nervous about how he'd answer me as he took a deep breath, probably feeling the same way as I did. 

“All I remember was I was laying down on the shore and the council was looking down at me… Well, the representatives of the Nocturnal realm.” He gave a name for the place he's stayed at and I nod, letting out a hum as a sign for him to continue. “It happened in Crete... in Greece. I think it was cold that night because of the storm.”

Oh, I should've been a lot more prepared to hear that from him. “And listen, I don't have any memories except for what I told the council that night.” He emphasized, which made my brows furrow as I leaned in forward in curiosity. Well, isn't it like going back to school all over again? Thankfully, he's now in a more calmed position.

"What was it?” I questioned, pursing my lips shut.

“That I wanted to protect you,” Junseok answered in a tone as if it was obvious to him. “That I wanted to keep a girl named Y/N safe.”

I was out of words, shoulders slouched as if I wanted to hide from everything. I was hurt to know that it was the last thing Junseok said. 

That it was the last thing he said when he was still my best friend. “I didn't even know who you are but now, I know why my past self would want to do that,” Junseok said right after, having a small yet noticeable smile on his face.

Maybe I left a bizarre impression on him. That's for sure.

“Well, what happened next?” I asked a question quickly, shoulders rising up as I felt a bit shy to listen to him say that. 

Well, maybe not just a bit since I changed the topic. “No, wait. Do you feel good about yourself?” Junseok was still on that topic, shifting himself closer to me as his eyes glistened under the dimmed light of his room, his dimples showing again in a matter of seconds. 

“Not that much,” I muttered back, causing him to chuckle.

“I know you do but sure, let's not talk about that.” He teased, leaning back as he even took the pillow next to him, hugging it close to himself. “What happened next was that I was brought to the realm and training started soon,” he answered, still relaxed as if it was not a big deal for him to tell me almost everything about the past he kept from me.

Not for long, though. “Was I really an athlete in the past?” Junseok asked, scrunching his nose and furrowing his brows, not having a single clue about what he really was like in the past. 

And there was a glimpse of one of his competitions, where he successfully took down someone from a different academy. 

A time when everything's not too complicated.

“Yeah, you were… and you were great,” I told him with full honesty as he looked into my eyes as if he could see how I felt. 

I don't know exactly how I am feeling while talking to someone who died and was brought back to life for a new purpose but I could say that I was holding back a lot of my emotions. “That's what they said about me too,” Junseok said, breathing deeply before looking somewhere else as he probably wondered how his life was before that trip. 

“They said I was physically fit for the thing I have to do.” He continued, having a blunt smile across his face as I did the same to him. For some reason, it was upsetting yet comforting to talk to him like this. 

Where we were both honest with each other. “And every day, I kept on thinking about meeting you and I didn't know it was going to happen so soon,” Junseok revealed, breathing out in relief as he probably felt free.

For the first time, maybe?

Junseok then rests his chin on top of the pillow he's been hugging tightly, still breathing deeply. “Why did you say those things, then? You know, those words hurt.” I joked, which half of it wasn't as the boy had a gloomy look on his face. The experience of someone I once loved suddenly acting as a rude stranger to me was so painful that I didn't know whether to give up or not. 

I even had to talk it out with Seunghwan to collect myself.

“Because I didn't want you to be involved… My life- This mission... It's dangerous for you,” he said, truthfully as he couldn't even look at me anymore. I didn't know what he felt but now that I understood why he had to do it, I just hope he didn't feel so bad about himself. He did it for a reason that I never expected.

I actually thought he only did it for fun. 

“But now, I am involved and you can’t just not include me here, you know?” I shrugged, giving him a smile as he sighed, shaking his head right after. “If you could do things like that, then is it possible for you to teach me your ways? How can I protect myself?”

The moment I asked him that question, his face was full of nothing but terror as he pointed his finger at me. “No, you are not learning anything. Leave that thing to me. That’s my mission. That’s partially why I’m here.” He warned, his brows arched and his teeth gritted tightly as I felt my back lower down, underwhelmed. 

“But I don't want you to worry about my safety all the time!” I fought back.

Junseok shushed me, reminding me that it was already almost five in the morning as he didn't want to get any complaints from the students sleeping in the rooms next to his.

“Come on, wouldn't it be better for me? I mean, you do want to keep me safe…” I wasn't planning to give up easily on him as he took in a deep breath, his eyes slightly closed and his jaw tensed up. 

He was probably trying to control his temper, slowly opening his eyes afterward as he rolled them at me. “Well, aren't you right about that?” His sarcasm never failed to gloss over his words, resulting in me winking at him in satisfaction.

Junseok lets out another sigh as he gets up from the edge of his bed, making his way behind me as he takes both of my wrists in his hands carefully. “I want you to close your eyes,” He whispers softly, sending shivers down my spine yet I choose to ignore it, closing my eyes shut as quickly as possible. 

It was an odd experience. “Think of a weapon. Any weapon of your choice.”

And I thought of a weapon that was something simpler. Well, I don't know a thing about guns or knives so I wouldn't know how to think of those. 

So, I ended up with a bow and an arrow.

“Then, visualize the darkest place you've ever been in.”

When he told me that, I had no idea what he meant as I fought the urge to ask him to clear it all up for me. No, of course, I haven't been in any dark places except for Rakwon's party but if he was talking about it metaphorically, I could name a few.

But there was one situation that I thought was the darkest place I've ever been in.

It was the day after the ship sank and I was completely clueless over what had happened the night before. I remembered how I went outside of my bedroom, expecting my parents to be working as usual. 

I thought that I'd see my father go inside the living room with a white towel on his shoulder and his favorite red cap on top of his head – to keep away from the heat outside, where he always repaired the car engines of the neighbors. That day, I thought I'd see my mother in the kitchen, waiting for another batch of cookies to bake as she'd normally check her ten-year-old wristwatch, which was given to her by Dad.

But it was far from that.

They were seated in the living room, both of their heads bowed down as the younger me even asked if Junseok had sent me a text because every night, my parents would take my phone from me so that I could just sleep.

One text was all I needed just to know if he was safe. 

“Sweetheart, we need to tell you something.” My mother was quick to stop me from asking any more questions as she wanted me to sit between the two of them. 

“What’s going on?” I asked, still not catching up on the sorrow they've felt.

“We were contacted by the school and they told us that… Junseok and his family drowned from the trip.”

I was broken. So numb and bitter over it that there were no tears falling down my face. 

I felt angry. Disgusted at myself for doing nothing at all. As far as I could tell, that was the darkest place I've ever been in as Junseok might've noticed how I breathed silently like I was the ghost in his room.

“Open your eyes,” Junseok said as I did, seeing a form of the bow and arrow lying on both my palms. 

I was taken aback by the sight of it. Black mist swaying in different directions like air yet managing to have the image of a bow and an arrow. “Woah.” I was amazed by it, fixated on the arrow's stem that was a little intertwined with the bow's string.

“But don't linger too much in the darkness,” He suddenly spoke with a louder voice, causing me to flinch in shock as the weapon disappeared from my grasp – leaving only his hands wrapped around my wrists. “Use it for safety… Not for the downfall of others.” He reminded me once more, later letting go of my wrists as he sat on the edge of the bed, facing me again but this time, he looked a lot more comfortable around me. 

“So, we're actually friends now, huh?” Junseok casually commented as I snickered at him. 

───── ❝ a new start. ❞ ─────

The sun shone nicely within the blue skies as I breathed deeply, knowing that today would be a lot different than before. I hugged my backpack closer to my chest while I watched how the tall buildings of the city passed by.

“Are you okay, Y/N?” My uncle asked from the front seat of the car, snapping me out of my attention as I nodded quickly even if it wasn’t the way I felt. Every single day felt as if nothing was new even if I knew to myself that I would be having a new start here.

Here in Seoul.

“You know, you seem a bit timid for someone who got accepted in IST,” he added, resulting in me chuckling. Well, I don’t know either why I still felt this way but I knew the exact reason why I never smiled that much anymore. Nonetheless, my uncle was right. How could I not be excited? Scholarship at IST University is everything I’ve wanted, right? I guess that wasn’t the case for me anymore.

Maybe soon it’ll sink into me deeper and I just hope that maybe I could smile about it, too. I was one of the few students who passed both exams for IST University. Well, one test was for the general audience who would also pay their way in but the other test was what I’m focused on. It’s not more of a want but it’s more of a need for me to be qualified for the scholarship program.

Why? Because my parents wouldn’t have to pay for my tuition. I always knew that I was made for something that wasn’t in Jeju.

Often, I was criticized for my passion in literature and I don’t know why they acted that way towards me. Maybe they were uneducated? I think that wouldn’t be that much of a possibility.

And within the top half of the takers, I managed to be at a bit of a higher rank, which was shocking. I wasn’t an honor student but somehow, I happened to be there and not even my parents expected that. But even after I saw the exam results, I remained kept together – maybe a bit more blunt than I should’ve reacted.

But why? What could be the reason behind that melancholic expression?

“I’m not. I’m just tired.” I quickly formed an excuse, which made him let out a scoff. Despite not being around him for a few years since he moved from Jeju to Seoul, he always knew whenever something was up with me.

“... Still thinking about him?”, he asked as I cleared my throat, gulping as I rested my back against the cushion of the car seat.

Never did I skip one day not thinking about him.

But before I could even give him an answer, we finally reached the university’s dormitory and he first got out of the car to take my luggage with him. I never really brought most of my belongings because not a lot of them were necessary enough.

But maybe I’ve bought something that would remind me of home and the reason why I’m here now. Who knew Jeju could be such a pain in my chest?

As I made my way out of the car, I tightened the straps of my backpack to lessen the uncomfortable feeling of carrying something heavy over my back. It seemed as if everything around me was bronzed in a way. From the leaves to the exterior design of IST’s dormitory, it never failed to tell me that autumn had just arrived. It was beautiful.

I wonder how he would’ve reacted if he'd seen this.

Grasping the straps of my backpack tighter, my uncle gave me a single nod as the two of us made our way in. First, we were greeted by the dormitory’s guards; I even smiled at them, later scanning my I.D. card over to confirm if I was indeed a student. As my face was shown on the screen, my uncle and I were finally able to walk the halls.

“Well, Room 333 is your stop, right?” he asked as I nodded, still thinking about how I was supposed to move here without struggling too much. “I’d have to go, then. You take care of yourself, okay?”

I nodded yet again, waving my hand at him as I watched him walk away. Yet before I could even twist the doorknob of my room, I heard someone from across the hall breathing heavily, causing me to turn to the right.

There, two rooms away from mine was a boy who wore a blue sweatshirt and a pair of black slacks, struggling with his heavy luggage, which made me feel concerned for him.

“Hey!” I called him, failing to fight the urge to stay quiet as he looked over to my side, his eyes widening as he grinned right after.

“Do you need help?” I questioned, which caused him to nod and wipe his sweat off of his face as I walked towards him, carrying my backpack and strolling my luggage across the tiles at once. This is the reason why I didn’t want to bring too much.

“Can you help me get these inside? I’m sorry for bothering you,” he apologized as I shook my head, reassuring him that it was alright as I opened the door, later helping him push what seemed like an extra desk for him inside the room. It’s one of the heaviest things I’ve ever pushed in my entire life.

“Ah! That was too heavy!” The boy kept catching his breath as I took a look around the room. Well, even if it wasn’t mine, every room in the dormitory probably looked like this.

“Hey,” He uttered as I turned around to look at him, smiling as I didn’t want him to think that I was just a dull student overall. “... Your name?” He asked, his shoulder raising at the same time before crossing his arms, still having a bright smile on his face.

“Oh? I’m Y/N L/N. I’m from Jeju,” I answered, snickering in awkwardness.

“I’m Seunghwan Jeong! From Busan,” he said back, maintaining his cheeky smile.

Well, to be honest, I’d think he’s the complete opposite of me for today. His eyes were glimmering under the sunlight that passed through the windows while he rambled about how far Jeju was from Seoul.

“Actually, I just came here from a really chaotic flight and… I guess I’m supposed to live here for the rest of the year.” Seunghwan breathed out with an overwhelmed look on his face, later looking around the room while I took note of how enthusiastic he was. “Oh, by the way! What course are you?” He quickly came up with a question, causing me to let out a few giggles.

He’s so bubbly. I wish to be like that someday.

“Literature, you?” I asked back as his eyes widened even more.

“Me, too! Oh, we definitely need to hang out more,” he commented, winking an eye at me as I was a bit taken aback.

At the same time, he didn’t seem like he was flirting with me either. Of course, everything fell silent. I just didn’t know how to make the conversation longer. I was just used to how it was back in Jeju, where I enjoyed spending my time alone. Sure, there were a few people who watched me scribble through my notepad as I let my emotions and the atmosphere create something out of it but I wasn’t close to anyone… Well, anyone except for one person.

“Um… Do you want me to help you out in your room?” Seunghwan came up with yet another question to lessen the tension as I was snapped out of my trance once more.

“Sure!” I smiled, later heading out of the room along with him as he volunteered to carry my backpack.

Once I pushed the door open, I was met with a different scenery. Everything was just like Seunghwan’s room from the cupboards to the small bed at the side yet something still sparked within me.

I guess this was what Seunghwan felt earlier.

I’d be living here all by myself for the whole year.

Taking my backpack from his arms, I pulled out the framed picture that I once placed in my bedroom back in Jeju. The frame was wooden and the glass was a bit dusty due to how it was from three years ago but the picture that lies beneath its wooden base and the glass still felt new.

My uncle was right. I still thought of him.

“I think I’m fine. You can go now,” I told the boy, which made him form a confused look on his face as I could see how my blank face reflected on the glass over his necklace that seemed like a chained compass.

“Call me if you need anything!” He cheerfully reminded, later waving his hand as he made his way out of the room, closing the door shut.

And I found myself still staring back at the picture, later deciding that maybe it would be best for me to just place it over my desk. The only one who ever understood the person behind the writings couldn’t even be here for me because of that one night.

Oh, how I miss you, Junseok.

Obviously, I couldn’t get my mind off of what happened. When I was still in eighth grade, everyone looked up to him. Why? He was never the type to start fights yet he was also the best in the sports team, mainly Taekwondo. Whenever things would go wrong, he’d always find a way to fix it and maybe laugh at the situation once it’s done.

He was my best friend.

I didn’t know if he counted me as the same but it felt like he did.

The moment he read one of the things I’ve written before, his curiosity grew and he would always take the chance to sit right next to me, even if we were already seatmates in class. I didn’t know what part of what I wrote made him feel so interested in getting to know me but I remembered how nice it felt to be around someone so… awesome, maybe?

“Let me be the water that embraces you, a beautiful flower. A water lily. So that no storm can ever hurt you as it isn’t my heart’s choice.”

I remembered how he was standing still, reading the written words over the lost page of my notebook aloud as I immediately turned around, attempting to take it away from his hand but he refused.

“You wrote this, right?” Junseok had a teasing grin, which made me expect that he’d make fun of how I loved to write such things that I still haven’t experienced.

“... Um, yeah. Why?” I stayed still as he handed the sheet willingly to me.

“It’s beautiful… I don’t understand why my friends think you’re weird,” He mumbled, sitting down on the chair next to mine as I kept my head down, not knowing what I should say back.

“They do?” I pretended not to know just to keep the conversation going as he nodded, his lips forming into a pout as he knitted his brows in confusion.

“Yeah? Honestly, I just think they just want to be as creative as you." Junseok's eyes acted as windows to his emotions, his head tilting quickly as if he never liked the things his friends said about me.

And that small interest he had was the beginning of everything I never thought I'd lose.

I couldn't take my eyes off of the picture, knowing that it was taken during the time I won a poem writing contest at school as I was holding the certificate with a bright smile on my face – something that I wasn't that able to do anymore. Next to me stood Junseok, who still wore his Taekwondo uniform as he had also smiled widely just like I did. And I thought that maybe if I had just come with him on that trip, then I wouldn't be left with nothing but pain right now.

He died alone on that ship.