#jungjun

It was just a song. Anyone could relate to it. If the artist said it was for everyone, no matter their actual identity, it was true. They'd even done it themselves with 'Dreaming Girl'. Being compelled to play it on repeat was just because it was nice to listen to, quickly becoming Jungsu's favourite song, and there was nothing wrong with that.

So why was Hyeongjun keeping such a close eye on him?

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Jungsu had never thought much of being considered more feminine.

It was normal to have roles within a group. Being labelled as the mother wasn't anything to raise an eyebrow over. It made sense as the second oldest and genuinely loving to take care of people. When the title was later passed over to Seungmin, Jungsu didn't consider it a loss, though. It hadn't really meant anything.

Being called pretty above handsome was fine, too. It wasn't like that was unusual for people in the industry. Jungsu understood it more than being called cute, even if that confused the other members as much as the fans. It was all aesthetics. That didn't mean anything, either.

It wasn't that Jungsu couldn't be more masculine. He was tall and broad and sometimes forgot his own strength. There was a sharpness to his features when he wanted there to be, usually in the context of photoshoots and performances, but that was the thing. He was also a reflection of Seungmin in that sense; it was an act. A facade.

The difference was that Seungmin's real self was flamboyant and loud and took up space. The way he danced was still boyish and full of charm, even if he got shy about it afterwards. He was sweet, but self-assured.

Where Seungmin's mannerisms put him into a box, Jungsu wavered more outside in the unknown. Even with his larger size, he knew how his body was talked about and that keeping his hair long made him appear softer. Putting traditional stereotypes aside, he didn't consider himself to be girlish, though. Jungsu was still a boy—a man.

But something about it made his mouth go dry if he thought about it for too long. It was worse with Hyeongjun around.

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Hyeongjun had a complicated relationship with gender, to put it lightly.

Watching the way he changed was as confusing for Jungsu as everyone else. Hyeongjun had always been pretty, but it became a different pretty over time.

Bringing up that he was interested in a genderless style didn't mean much to Jungsu in the beginning—only seeing that he was wearing a ring, painting his nails and growing his hair out, but they were all things a lot of male idols were doing. It wasn't anything crazy.

The thing that made Hyeongjun stick out was that the majority of others still held an air of wanting to be seen as men. Having Jooyeon in the same group proved the point that even with long hair and makeup, there was a boyishness that usually couldn't quite be shaken, almost entirely because he didn't want it to be. There was nothing wrong with that, but it put even more emphasis on what Hyeongjun was doing.

It wasn't just for show. It wasn't a concept or costume and it was pushing further and further from one side to the other until—

Hyeongjun looked like a girl.

Was Hyeongjun a girl?

He fought against being called one with enough frustration to say no. Jungsu found it increasingly difficult to consider Hyeongjun a boy, though, and it wasn't just the clothes he chose. Hyeongjun still wore ones designed for men. There was something about him that just wasn't the same, aside from a handful of other idols deemed different with their presentation, and it was difficult for Jungsu to wrap his head around. Everything was.

Jungsu still played 'number one girl' on repeat. It started to keep him awake at night.

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Looking in the mirror as they prepared for their 'ICU' performance on Music Bank made Jungsu pause.

His hair had been styled differently. It was subtle—wispy in his face and flicking out at the ends just slightly instead of exaggeratedly or pin straight—but it was still a change. His makeup had been, too. The dangling earrings and tight jacket added to the crawling on his skin.

None of it was incredibly out of the ordinary. Maybe it was just Jungsu's imagination. He just couldn't help thinking he looked like—

"Woah," Jooyeon appeared behind his shoulder, grinning as he raked his eyes over Jungsu's body in the reflection. "Should I call you noona today?"

It was a joke. Jungsu knew that. He laughed like he was supposed to and Jooyeon left again. His heart refused to beat.

Catching Hyeongjun's curious stare in the mirror made it splutter back to life. Whether that was a good thing, Jungsu wasn't sure. There wasn't time to think about it, either way. Work was more important than whatever he was feeling.

It bothered Jungsu enough to hope he would be styled in ways that felt less off for the rest of the promotions, but there was a nagging little voice that wouldn't go away.

Pretty.

Not in the way he was usually referred to, though. Different. But not different. He couldn't be.

Jungsu took photos as he was supposed to for fans. Gunil said he looked nice and Jungsu smiled back as he was supposed to for his hyung. Jiseok grabbed his arm to comment on how big it looked in the jacket and Jungsu smacked him playfully as he was supposed to.

Hyeongjun watching silently wrapped barbed wire around Jungsu's throat. He didn't know what he was supposed to do.

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Weird wasn't anything new as far as Hyeongjun's behaviour could be described, but he was definitely getting weirder around Jungsu in particular.

Jungsu wasn't against it. It was nice having him open up and stick closer, almost to the point it could be considered clingy, but the attention seeking went both ways. He figured it was better to not try to pinpoint what it was that was drawing him to Hyeongjun. It was easier to just let it happen.

What wasn't easy was ignoring the way his stomach sank every time Hyeongjun went on stage. The stylists had so much fun with putting him in skirts and taming his hair and doing his makeup in ways they never would for the others. They never would for Jungsu.

Hyeongjun wasn't just pretty. He was special. He was the song Jungsu loved so dearly—something Jungsu was afraid of but drawn to regardless.

Kissing him when they both had makeup-tacky lips was something Jungsu vowed to never do. He couldn't afford to let himself taste the heartache.

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"Is that something you want to hear?"

Being cornered in his own bedroom wasn't something Jungsu appreciated at the best of times. Hyeongjun's expression shifting from stoic to something too close to pity for comfort as he closed the door didn't help ease the building anxiety in the slightest.

"What?" Jungsu stopped the song playing from his phone speaker before turning away from his desk, frowning when Hyeongjun reached for his hand. "Is what something I want to hear?"

"Everything in that song," Hyeongjun laced their fingers together and squeezed tightly with a sigh, sounding like he'd run through the conversation a million times before deciding to go in and just cut to the chase. "And that you're a girl?"

All the colour drained from Jungsu's face.

Hyeongjun was wearing shorts with unshaved legs and his hair was an unstyled, tangled mess. The polish on his nails had almost fully chipped away. He moved with a strangely awkward elegance. When he knelt on the floor to look up at Jungsu, shiny-eyed and open, it fully hit home. Hyeongjun was different.

"I think you are," Hyeongjun squeezed Jungsu's hand tighter. "Unnie."

The honorific washed over Jungsu's mind. Confusion broke way for understanding. The shards pierced through to bone.

Jungsu shattered.

Hyeongjun let go of her hand to cup her cheeks, wiping the tears spilling over with their thumbs, and Jungsu couldn't bear to see the gentle acceptance in their eyes. Her chest hurt—burning as badly from the lack of oxygen as Hyeongjun's palms searing her skin. Jungsu held their arms anyway. She was too afraid to let them leave.

"Maybe noona's heart is a little too big, hmm?" They smiled softly when Jungu's breathing steadied enough to open her eyes without the world turning blurry. "That's okay. You're loved just as much. Worth it."

"Stop using the lyrics against me," Jungsu laughed weakly, sniffling to stop herself from crying again as she pressed a light kiss to the inside of Hyeongjun's wrist. "Thank you."

"No problem," Hyeongjun stood, bending to peck Jungsu's chapped lips. "Anything for the number one girl."

Cheesy as it was, it still spread warmth through Jungsu, slowly beginning to mend the fractures formed from months of overthinking. She couldn't help wondering how many wounds Hyeongjun had hidden over time, but judging by the sadness sitting just below the surface, it wasn't her place to ask. Maybe their stitches hadn't fully healed yet.

All the bones sticking out usually made Hyeongjun too uncomfortable to cuddle up to, but Jungsu didn't mind being led to her bed if it meant getting the closeness she needed so badly, and having them be so willing to take her weight across their body made it worth it.

Maybe the second night they’re there, Gihun and Jungbae get to talking, slowly opening up to each other and talking about how they got there. Jung se tells Gihun all about his debts and Gihun tells him all about how he ended up back in the games.

They’re just talking and occasionally laughing when Gihun suddenly Lu goes quiet and just lols at Jungbae, an odd look in his eyes. He grabs Jungbae’s hand and tells him how much he missed him, how he wanted to get back in touch but didn’t think he deserved to.

Gihun, half jokingly but not really, suggests that they have sex. Jungbae laughs but then sees Gihun’s expression and realizes he’s being serious. Blushing Jungbae. says no, that he’s not really into men Gihun sighs and says he understands, that he’s just…wanted to be close to someone he loved.

The next morning, they don’t talk about it, although things are a little awkward between them but Jungbae keeps thinking about.

He keeps looking at Gihun, watching him closely and soon, those long buried feelings come back and Jungbae realizes that…he might die at any second. He might die or Gihun might die and then what?

So that night, after both of their watch, Jungbae crawls into Gihun’s bed and before Gihun can say anything, he tentatively kisses him. Gihun free3/ for a second but then returns the kiss desperately, whimpering and quietly moaning and before Jungbae knows what’s going, both of their pants are down and Gihun has one of his hands wrapped around both their cocks.

Gihun keeps kissing Jungbae whining and saying how much he missed him, how he thought about Jungbae for years, how he used to have a crush on him and Jungbae is kissing back, moaning and saying he likes Gihun too and telling his friends how much he missed him, how he needed him….

When Gihun rubs his thumb over Jungbae cock head, Jungbae bites back and shout and cums, with Gihun not too far behind. They both may there, trading lazy kisses and laughing, cleaning each other up with a pillow cover before just hugging and drifting to sleep.

“what’s going on?” my dad smiled at the two of us before looking at joochan. i told him that nothing was going on before turning around to look at joochan who still had his earpiece out. my dad took a double look at his earpiece then up at his eyes. joochan automatically put his earpiece back into his ear.

i bit my lip looking away from joochan then looked back at my dad. he called joochan away from me and called him into his office. he followed him into the office turning around to look at me before saying something without actually saying it.

“i got it covered.” he winked at me before closing the door. i paced around the room waiting for joochan to come out. i was so scared, what was my dad going to say? a second later, he opened the door looking terrified of what happened. he walked straight past me, stopping when we touched shoulders.

“i’ll come back to say goodbye okay princess?” he said looked down at me biting his lip. my mouth dropped open while what he said hit me, and hard. he was being fired. i couldn’t believe it.

“no. joochan, you can’t leave me. please.” i moved to stand in front of him shaking my head. i couldn’t let him go that easily. he’s the guy that i had loved since we were kids.

“i’m sorry princess.” he walked past me, and i turned around to watch him walk away. was he really going to leave? i didn’t want him to go. my dad called me into his office, before sitting back down at his desk. my eyes were all teary while i sat at the desk.

“y/n, i’m sorry. i had to let joochan go. he didn’t fit the job anymore. i’ll find a different bodyguard for you okay?” he said to me while looking at the résumés of new bodyguards. i shook my head standing up slamming my hands onto the table.

“no. why the hell do you have to fire him? he’s the fucking love of my life. he’s my fucking everything. every single day, all i think about is him but he’s so scared of losing his job. i can’t fucking think of anything else-” i started going off at my dad but he kept saying my name trying to shut me up. i couldn’t stay quiet.

“y/n. listen to me.” he nodded his head telling me that there’s someone at the door. i turned around to see who it was and, it was joochan. he was wearing a different suit from before, a much better looking suit. he looked amazing. he smirked at me when i started blushing hard before putting his hand through his hair.

“y/n, meet your new boyfriend.” i turned around fully to face joochan before running so quickly towards him. i put my arms around his shoulders hugging him tightly. he put his head in the crook of my neck kissing my neck softly.

“you’re my girl, finally. not the girl that i have to protect but not touch.” he smiled before pulling away from the hug to look me in the eyes. i realized that he may have heard everything that i said about him. i bit the inside of my cheek nervously before speaking. 

“did you-” i looked at my dad then looked down at the ground. he smiled tilting his head before lifting my chin up to look at him. he nodded then spoke,

“hear everything you said? yes.” he kissed the tip of my nose smiling so brighter than i had ever seen. he had never smiled so bright in the entire time that we knew each other. 

“so fucking embarrassing.” i put my hands to cover my face, because i was so embarrassed. he heard me scream at my dad about how much i loved him. he laughed taking my hands off my face kissing my lips softly before turning to look at my dad.