#jumping bean

Forgot to post him here, Number 6 !

(Source: @preserver_time on Twitter)(x)

“ No, no we don’t always. And it still hurts to this day, I truly loved you and will always love and miss you. You’re no longer in my life, and haven’t been since you made the hard decision to walk away without a word, and broke my heart into a million pieces. I don’t hold it against you, I understand, but I wish you had had the courage to say good bye to me before you threw me out after nearly a decade. I never thought you were a coward before that day, and I haven’t gotten over it. A huge part of me died with your departure. A far bigger portion than I ever care to admit, to anyone, including myself.

“You’ll always have me” turned out to be your biggest lie ever said, and you spent nearly a decade saying it. I believe you truly meant it tho every time that those words escaped your lips, and maybe the pain of everything that being loved by me, and loving me put you through, was what destroyed everything. I guess I’ll never truly know and god I wished I did.

You were such a huge part of me, I feel the ache of your absence every single day. You’re part of most of the very best memories I have of my adulthood, and although I cry the agony of missing you is so painful, I’m so very blessed that I met you, of who you were in my life, and I’ll never forget that. I hope to someday be able to smile without tears falling down my cheeks at the memories of you, but that day isn’t here yet, and I know it wouldn’t be for many years, not consistently at least.

I guess I can take some solace in the fact that your absence is so strongly felt by me, it means it was true, and you existed and touched me deeply. You’re my twin flame, my hip attachment. I treasure everything that was, and the gifts that you’ve left behind in my life during the vast majority of that decade.

Even my son Jumping Bean to this day still asks about you, if we can fly up up up high in the sky and than drive in your truck and play the guitar together again. He asks if he saves all his coins if it will be enough to go for a visite. He too misses you, and has cried more times than his little heart ever should have when I told him that you were too far to go see, because how else do you tell such a young child that you’re no longer in our life?

No matter where life takes us, you are loved and you matter. You deserve the best and to be happy and loved fully, and I truly wish you have it all, that all your dreams become reality. Even after the pain you’ve caused, I still desire nothing but the best for you, whatever that is, I always have. Maybe that was part of the problem, I sacrifice myself and back away instead of fighting, maybe it was all a test from you, and I failed horribly from taking you at your word, and giving you the week of blackout from electronics that you wanted, as well as that time you put the condition on, I should have faught and said no, but I wanted to respect you, but it was probably the complete opposite of what you wanted me to do, but I’m not a mind reader, words and actions have to line up for me or it flies over my head and I miss it.