#juliark

Sure, Julian had run away again, but he couldn’t just stay in that apartment by himself.  He’d been driving himself crazy, not knowing when or if Sebastian was going to come back, and he’d done what he did best and left.  He didn’t even tell Derek that he was leaving, and in retrospect, he probably should have. 

He found himself at Clark’s doorstep, which had been his whole plan in the first place.  Clark hadn’t known the full story when Julian had come out here, however.  He’d thought that Sebastian and Julian were working things out and getting better, and was completely surprised to find out that Julian hadn’t even told him he was coming out here.

“I mean…why are you here, Jules?” Clark asked.  “Why are you really here?  You’re doing the exact opposite of what you should be doing if you want to keep Sebastian.”  He leaned back against the couch, staring Julian down with curious eyes as though honestly trying to figure it out.

Julian looked down at his feet, unable to come up with an adequate response.  Clark was right.  All he was doing was making everything worse, and the worst part was that he knew.  Nothing good could possibly come from up and leaving New York when Sebastian was already so worried that Julian was going to break up with him.

“Do you still want to be with him?” Clark asked gently, and Julian’s head shook yes frantically.

“You don’t even understand how much I still want to be with him,” Julian mumbled.  “I literally feel physical pain when I think about him breaking up with me.  I don’t know what I would do with myself, and I know that I’ll never find someone else like him.  If he breaks up with me, I’d might as well give up on love altogether.”

“Then go home,” Clark murmured.  “Not that I don’t love seeing you, but you need to fix things with him.  Then you can both come visit me, when you’re both happy and together again.  I think you’re purposefully pushing him away Jules.  It’s like you think that you need to punish yourself even more for the mistake that you made when all that’s doing is causing more unnecessary pain.”

“I can’t go home,” Julian mumbled.  “I’ve got a thing…a press conference.  About the leak.  It’s in two days.  It’s half the reason I’m out here.”

“Christ, Jules, cancel it.  You can do a conference in New York instead.  Carmen will get over it.  I know you love all this, loving acting, but at the end of the day, what’s more important to you?  Your career, or your relationship with Sebastian?” Clark asked, starting to get exasperated.

Julian was quiet for another moment, mulling over what Clark had said.  Was that what he was doing?  Pushing Sebastian away on purpose?  He was right.  Julian no longer thought that he deserved Sebastian, so he was doing everything possible to mess up the relationship for himself.  And his career and his relationship with Sebastian were the two most important things in his life, but it was hard to pick which was more important. 

“Jules?” Clark questioned, waving a hand in front of his friend’s face.  “You okay?”

Julian’s face crumpled and he shook his head no slowly.  He wasn’t even close to okay.  The most important relationship in his life was dangling by a very loose thread, and he was over 2500 miles away from the place that he should be right now.

“Okay, okay, it’s alright,” Clark murmured, wrapping Julian up in a gentle hug.  “You’re going to fix it, it’s going to be okay.”

“No!  It’s not going to be okay Clark,” Julian said miserably, fighting tears.  “You’re right, Sebastian’s more important than my career.  He’s more important than anything, and I’ve done everything wrong since I cheated on him.  He’s got to hate me right now.”

“Julian, he doesn’t hate you.  You showed me the messages between you two today.  He’s hurt that you left because he’s in love with you,” Clark explained gently.  “What do you mean you’ve done everything wrong?”

Julian had no idea where to start with that question.  It would be simpler to name what he’d done right, which was just about nothing.  “I refused to answer any questions about what happened.  I kept talking to Logan.  I left the night I confessed to him and got drunk with my ex-boyfriend.  I’ve continually played the victim.”  Julian ticked off his wrongs on his fingers before cutting off, giving Clark a look that conveyed that he could keep going.

“I mean…I’m not going to sugarcoat it.  That’s bad.  You cheated on him, and you can blame him for the photo leak all you want, but that doesn’t make it okay.  You did a shitty thing, and now you have to pay for it.  You stop talking to Logan.  You spend as much time as possible with Sebastian.  You do everything to gain his trust back: keep him updated on what you’re doing, come home early, call him when you’re out…you’re going to have to kiss his ass for awhile.  He doesn’t trust you, and with good reason,” Clark shrugged.  “You don’t need to give him any more reason not to trust you.”

“It’s too late.  It’s useless.  He doesn’t even believe that I love him right now,” Julian said miserably, sniffling.

Clark thought for a moment, tapping his fingers against the couch.  “I mean…it’s pretty clear to me that you love him.  Do you ever write?  Might be therapeutic to do some writing.  You could write a letter to him or something, write all of your feelings for him down on paper.  You wouldn’t even have to give it to him, but it could help you organize your thoughts for when you see him.”

Julian gave that some thought, nodding.  “That would be good,” he agreed.  “It would probably be helpful.”

“But first,” Clark interrupted, “you go back home, you call him, and you apologize for leaving.  Tonight.  Then you book a flight back home for tomorrow.  I’ll talk to Carmen, get her to cancel whatever you need.  You just need to worry about fixing your relationship.”

The first time Clark saw Julian after what was now referred to as ‘Hell Night’ by anyone involved, he was expecting him to be miserable. He was expecting a complete wreck.

In actual fact, Julian looked normal. Well, as normal as could be expected. He had circles under his eyes, and it was obvious that he wasn’t sleeping well, but he had a slight bounce in his step. He looked somehow happier than he had been for years.

“Logan and I are together now.” Julian confided in Clark, his eyes shining. Clark was honestly happy for him. Julian deserved all the happiness he could get.

But things kind of went downhill from there. After high school, Julian and Logan moved in together in LA. Logan was attending UCLA and trying to break into the music business, while Julian hadn’t bothered even applying for college, and was concentrating on his acting.

They were still as in love as ever, but their fights were frequent. From what little Clark knew, they always made up afterwards, usually very soon afterwards, but he didn’t like the idea of Julian fighting with Logan. He’d met Logan a handful of times, and it was obvious that Logan had the physical advantage.

He also knew, from the few and far between moments when Julian accidentally mentioned his personal life, that Logan had anger issues that he took medication for. That he sometimes didn’t take medication for. And that it was not unknown for him to get violent.

But Clark stayed out of it. Julian never asked for or wanted help, and it wasn’t technically his business anyway.

When Julian arrived at the Something Damaged set on morning about a year after leaving high school, popping aspirin like nobody’s business, everyone was curious. The cast elected Clark to actually ask, most of them being too scared to do it themselves.

Clark entered Julian’s trailer without asking, the two having spent too much time around each other to be at all awkward anymore. As he opened the door, Julian was just pulling of his shirt ready to put on the one that Wardrobe department had set out for him. Clark had seen Julian’s bare back countless times, but he’d never seen the blossoming pattern of purply bruises that were there now, or the decoration of tiny cuts that laced its way down his arm.

“Julian,” Clark said quietly, controlling his voice so his rage wouldn’t show. “What is this?”

Julian spun round, pulling his other  shirt on quickly. When he saw it was Clark, he relaxed and smiled a little.

“Jeez, warn a guy!” Clark just raised an eyebrow. “It’s just… me and Logan had a fight last night, and it got a little carried away…” He looked down sheepishly, as if he knew what his friend would say.

Clark’s jaw was so tightly clenched that he thought it might start cramping any time soon.

“So that would mean that he has injuries as well, huh?” He knew the answer. He just wanted to make a point.

Julian rubbed the back of his neck, wincing slightly at the pain.

“Err… not exactly, I guess.”

“J, this is an abusive relationship! This is what they talk about when they say domestic abuse!” The words were out before Clark can stop them, but in the end he didn’t really mind. It was the truth, after all. Julian’s eyes narrowed.

“Come on, Clark. It’s not like that. Logan’s differe-“

“Yeah, that’s what every person suffering from domestic abuse says. Have you not seen the ads?”

“Do we really have to have this discussion? Jesus Christ, it’s not like it’s a regular thing.”

“It doesn’t have to be!” Clark exploded. “He’s hurting you, and you don’t even care!”

Julian put his sunglasses on.

“Exactly. I don’t care, therefore it’s not your business. Logan is not abusive, okay? I’m going. My scene’s in five minutes.”

He went to the door and opened it, turning back before he stepped outside.

“Thanks for caring, but I can handle it. Okay? I know what I’m doing.”