#jul2019

my on and off relationship with this blog pretty much mirrors my mental struggle to keep track of shit going on in my life. as much as i would like to document everything in detail like i used to when i was 12 til 17, i doubt i’ll be able to find time to blog religiously again in my 20s let alone process everything that’s happened in yet another hiatus year and condense it all in text posts... pretty sad fact. on top of this i’m also still unsure whether i should feel grateful that i have a significant piece of my past accessible online to look back on, or ashamed that my awkward teenage years are exposed on the internet for all my friends to see. as if they didn’t already have enough content to mock me with 😬 nonetheless it’s still a fun time to backread and surprisingly not 100% a cringefest.

one day i’m just gonna laugh at how all my more recent entries begin with the same excuse, followed by the same vague explanation—“so much has happened!” this video sums up most of what i’ve been up to, and i realise it also does it very vaguely. for the number of times my face is featured let me elaborate: i’ve been filming, like, a fuck tonne. mainly for Uni. i’m scheduled to graduate w my bachelor of digital design degree at the end of this year, so you bet a very ambitious capstone project and exegesis is on its way to you, yes you who’s still here tuning in. lots of luv im sorry for ghosting.

i have a lot of anxiety about my current Uni situation (the intense workload then looking for industry hours and internships, starting freelance and what not) and i feel like i’ve been grabbing a lot of strength from fellow creatives more than my own, namely my boyfriend, who is also in the vlog. i got dat No Chill starter pack; i worry very easily, with the tendency to forget to eat while unhealthily focused on certain tasks, therefore needing some exterior support, like an alarm to remind me when to take breaks, and of course pep talks (drives him nuts tbh). it comes out most frequently when due dates are close, which i guess is understandable, but i do need to work on how i handle stress and overall staying healthy.

July has been one big meh. Nothing eventful happened on the outside, but I guessed I was geared by July to reform myself for a better August.

On academics: This month was mediocre. Barely passing my exams, studying for the sake of passing instead of learning. That took a toll on me and my mental health, that is why I felt stuck (Read more about that here). By the end of July, I promised myself that I would study because I loved my course. I am grateful and lucky to have been given the opportunity to pursue something I really want and to grow with it, thus I should maximize all opportunities and (even) challenges that it gives me. August is midterms month, so I hope that this vision for myself materializes soon enough.

On relationships: Romantically, I am happy. We have been apart for half a year now but I’m glad to say that only a few things have changed. The feeling of love has and is still there. Maybe longing for each other would be a part of our growth not just as individuals but as a couple as well. Maybe having the first major fight after being away was a way of the universe telling us that we have matured because we are still going strong until now.

On friendships: Literally on the last two days of July, I realized that it’s okay to cut out toxic people from your life - the ones who make you unreasonably feel bad about yourself. It’s not being selfish or unfair, but if you have given so much for the friendship and still feel like you lacked in that aspect, then it’s okay to cut them off. 

On reading: Currently motivating myself to read more books besides my accounting ones! I know that I have a lot of academic reading to do but I believe 5 minutes of reading a book for leisure doesn’t hurt! I have been reading numerous articles from Medium as well and I am enjoying it so much.