Jumin Week
Day Five: Pragma
Trigger warning: Depression and suicide mention.
You kept pulling away from him.
Every time Jumin attempted to comfort or reassure you — every time he slept in front of your door while waiting for you to open it — every time he moved to caress you, to hold you…
You always pulled away.
Jumin knew you had trauma. Something happened to you for you to behave this way, and he didn’t want to trigger a nightmarish memory for you.
So, he remained patient. He gave you the space you needed while keeping a close eye on you; making sure you were eating, drinking water, changing your clothes.
The memories of you smiling brilliantly at him, twirling carelessly only to have him catch you… dancing to your 90’s music playlist while you cooked lunch and yanked him to you…
Jumin knew you were still there. The rough patch would subside in time, and he would be there.
He would always be.
But when you didn’t respond to his rapid knocks on the guest room door, Jumin felt his control slipping from him.
“Darling?” Slamming his palm against the solid wooden door, Jumin felt himself shaking. With adrenaline, with fear — whatever it was, the rush of emotions helped him as he rammed into the door once.
Twice.
Three times over.
The door wouldn’t budge.
Jumin observed his surroundings, trying to regain a clear line of thought while his heart pounded in his chest and his breathing accelerated. Grabbing a fireplace poker within his line of sight, Jumin took the door apart piece by piece, fragments of wood planting themselves into his hands and forearms.
Through the jagged edges, Jumin reached in and fumbled for the doorknob. As soon as he felt the cold handle, he pushed down and stormed in. “Dear —”
He grew rigid in seconds. Your body lay on the bed, limbs hanging off carelessly. Without touching you, Jumin felt how cold you were because of your deathly pale hue. Sweat broke out on the back of his neck as he lunged for you, pulling you into his bleeding arms.
Water. Water would wake you.
Gathering you into his arms, Jumin ran to the bathroom and set you into the deep-seated tub. Turning the handle, he gathered as much cold water as his hands could hold and delicately splashed your face, desperately patting your cheeks.
“Darling? Darling, wake up. Wake up.”
You shot up, breathless and terrified. The fear in your eyes didn’t calm him, but at least there was still the spark of life.
“I’m here. I’m right here.” Grabbing your arms, Jumin gently shook you. “Look at me.”
“I can’t, I can’t —!”
“Look at me.”
Your eyes met with his. The underlying frustration and sadness he felt over the past few days — it was all boiling to the surface now. He dug his fingers into your pale skin, hoping to control his shaking frame. “I’ve had enough of this. I’ve given you time, I’ve given you space — look at the result. I find you in bed, lifeless. It’s obvious my methods of granting you peace haven’t worked, so I need your help now. Tell me what you need. You need to talk to me.”
You shifted, your bare foot squeaking against the tub. “Jumin —”
“Don’t tell me you don’t need help. Don’t tell me you don’t need anything. Stop lying to me.”
Tears spilled from your eyes. You knew Jumin to be overly-assertive, commanding, domineering at times… but he was never that way with you. He was always so calm, so collected. Now? He looked enraged.
It scared you enough to stammer a reply. “I, I just — I j-just, I haven’t been feeling good… m-mentally…”
Jumin’s grip on you loosened faintly. He closed his eyes, realizing he had lost his temper. But he couldn’t hold it in anymore. Lowering his head, he raked back the bangs in his face — and as his eyes met with yours again, you noticed the brimming tears.
It allowed you to release the floodgates you had held in all this time. Your small, shaky hand touched his cheek — and Jumin leaned into your palm, his tears falling instantly.
“That was the first time I heard you speak in days.”
Jumin’s trembling voice was the wrecking ball that crashed into all of your defenses.
“Ju… Jumin —”
“Stop… you need to stop shutting me out, darling.” In his eyes sparked a fierceness you readily recognized. “I can’t take it. I can’t… handle it. I’m not strong enough. All of my logical reasonings behind why you stayed in that room failed me, and I couldn’t…” Jumin reached out, his hand caressing your cheek. “I see now that I was right to worry. You haven’t eaten… darling, you haven’t eaten anything.”
As if on cue, your stomach let out a miserable growl. Jumin moved his hand from your cheek to your leg, just above your knee. “Are you trying to leave this world?”
The question sent your body quivering uncontrollably. “It wasn’t… the plan, but if it happened… I wouldn’t have been… opposed —”
Snatching you into his arms, Jumin held you to him with a firmness you had never know from him before. “No. No, you — no. I order you to stay with me.”
The demand surprised you.
“I will do anything you ask. Anything to prevent you from leaving this world. From leaving me. I will sit with you if you choose to go to counseling, I will walk with you if you need fresh air, I will sing with you as soon as you choose a song. I will do anything but leave you alone for days at a time.”
You leaned into his embrace. “I thought that, if I left, you wouldn’t have to put up with me anymore —”
“Nonsense. Nonsense. You can’t scare me away. You aren’t a toy for me to disregard. You are my wife. Anything that hurts you will hurt me, too. Anything that plagues you will plague me, too. We will endure all of life’s obstacles and prove to the stars that our love will persist above all. But you must give yourself that chance… and you must give me the chance to love you from now… all the way until.”
You closed your puffy, tear-stained eyes. “Until…?”
Jumin’s hug relaxed as he lifted your chin, kissing your unbrushed mouth. Your first instinct was to pull away, but he refused to abide.
Realization dawned on you, your husband’s much-needed kiss temporarily clearing the clouds in your head.
“Stay with me,” you breathed, lips still clashing against Jumin’s and tears merging with his. “Stay with me until.”
Jumin pulled your head back by your hair. “I promise.”
