#jty

Stef drove Brandon to school that morning, dropped him off at his classroom, and headed toward the main office. Outside the door she hesitated for a minute. There would be no coming back from this. She knew that if this didn’t work, if she went against her word and it didn’t go her way, Lena would never forgive her. But if she didn’t, wasn’t the end result the same? What was a broken promise if she could just get Lena to listen, to change her mind? Maybe some promises were made to be broken.

With a resolute breath, Stef shook her hair back from her face, straightened her shirt, and headed into the office.

“Good morning, Mrs. Foster. What can I do for you?” She was greeted at the front desk by Gabriel who was, by now, a familiar face.

“I need to speak to Lena– To Ms. Adams,” Stef corrected the informality she’d grown accustomed to but didn’t bother with pleasantries. She was there with a purpose.

Gabriel folded his hands over the papers on the desk in front of him.

“Ms. Adams isn’t available right now.” The slight edge in his usually friendly voice was almost imperceptible but Stef’s grew derisive in response.

“Well, when will she be available?” “I… I don’t know. She’s in a meeting right now.”

“Mhmm.” Doubtful, she pursed her lips and lifted her chin. “Then I’ll wait,” she stated flatly, turning toward the chairs lined against the wall across from the desk.

“Actually, Mrs. Foster…”

The unsure voice had Stef swiveling back in his direction, her eyebrows raised in question.

“Ms. Adams has–” Gabriel stumbled, the tightness of his voice making his discomfort clear beneath his otherwise calm demeanor. “Well…” he continued, “she’s asked not to see you.” His smile grew stiff at the corners, mechanical and uneasy.

“She– She did?” It didn’t surprise her after everything that had happened and how Lena had been avoiding her. Yet her eyes widened and her mouth gaped a little, having confirmation that Lena had actually given direction to keep her away. Gabriel nodded, an inkling of sympathy in his eyes. The reality of it caused a sting but Stef wasn’t one to be pitied. Or dismissed. She straightened her back and crossed her arms over her chest. “Well, I need to speak to her. So, if you could please tell her I’m here.” It was a command not a request and Gabriel stiffened against it.

“I’m sorry, Ma’am, but I can’t do that.”

Stef clenched her teeth, making her jaw flex while her narrowed eyes trained on him. She took a step toward the desk and rested her fingertips on the edge as she leaned closer to him. Her voice was quiet and sharp.

“You remember that I’m a cop, yes?”

Gabriel nodded.

“Then I suggest you let Ms. Adams know that I’m here before I find some reason to arrest you.” There was a hint of a ruthless smile at the corners of her mouth as she arched her eyebrows over her unwavering stare and waited for him to argue. When he did nothing but swallow, she flashed him her most charming smile. “Good.” With a curt nod, she straightened and headed toward Lena’s office, not bothering to wait for him to call her.

As she turned the corner, Lena was exiting her office and just the sight of her made Stef’s heart flutter and her knees shake. It felt like she hadn’t seen her in a lifetime and she was overwhelmed with how much she had missed her. But as Lena strode toward her, her eyes dark and her mouth hard, it was obvious she’d been warned that she was coming. Stef’s stomach tightened, her determination wavering beneath a rush of nerves.

“I’m sorry,” she said before Lena had even reached her.

“You need to leave.” Lena’s quiet voice was harsh and heavy with authority. She stopped in front of Stef with her arms crossed tight against her chest, back straightened to its full length, shoulders square.

“Lena, please–”

“No, Stef. You can’t do this. You cannot come into my place of work and cause a scene.”

“I didn’t– I’m not trying to cause a scene,” Stef protested.

“I just had to excuse myself from a meeting to keep you from barging into the middle of it. So trying to or not, you are causing a scene.”

Stef hesitated for a moment. She hadn’t actually thought Lena was in a meeting. Heat rose to her cheeks as embarrassment crept up her spine.

“I’m sorry, Lena,” she said when she recovered. “I just… I didn’t know what else to do. I need to talk to you and you wouldn’t answer my calls or my emails…”

“Because I don’t want to talk to you, Stef. I already told you, I’m not doing this.”

It was hard to think through her racing mind and pounding heart. She couldn’t walk away now, not without Lena at least knowing that she’d done what she wanted, that she was doing the work. That she would continue to do it if she just gave her a chance.

“Lena please, just listen. I meant it when I said I was in love with you and I–”

“I am not having this conversation here,” Lena cut her off again, stepping towards her and dropping her voice low. Anger flashed in her eyes. “I’m not having this conversation at all. You need to leave,” she repeated. “Now.”

Spurred on by her desperation, feeling her last shred of hope slipping away again, Stef took another step forward, closing almost all of the distance between them.

“Did you tell Brandon that you miss me?”

Lena’s eyes widened and her neck stiffened for a second before she recovered, anger masking her surprise.

“I told you not to bring this here, Stef. You can’t–”

“Did you tell him?” Stef demanded, refusing Lena’s deflection.

“I–” Lena paused beneath Stef’s unrelenting gaze, her eyes drifting away from it as she tucked her chin down and swallowed. “Yes.”

“How can you admit that and then refuse to even hear me out?” Stef searched her face, her voice softening again. She had to convince her. “Please, Lena. Just five minutes. Give me five minutes and if you still don’t want to talk to me, I promise I’ll never bother you again.”

A tense silence fell between them where a shadow of something flickered beneath Lena’s anger.

“Please?” The word was little more than a whisper, Stef’s eyes pleading.

Lena closed her eyes, her nose flaring as she exhaled a frustrated sigh before looking at Stef again.

“Five minutes.”

Stef geared up to speak but swallowed her words when Lena held up one hand.

“Go wait outside. My meeting is almost over. I’ll meet you by my car when it’s finished.” Without another word, Lena turned on her heel and strode back to her office, leaving Stef standing speechless in the middle of the hallway.

Walking back through the main office, Stef avoided making eye contact. She didn’t know what anyone had heard or if anyone knew what was going on between them. It was obvious that Lena didn’t want her coworkers overhearing and if Stef had been thinking clearly, she wouldn’t have either.

The trek out to the parking lot gave her some time to collect herself while trying to temper the hope and nerves blossoming in her chest. This was her last chance, so if she was going to get Lena to listen, she needed to be calm. She needed to be honest without pushing or bulldozing, which she tended to do when her emotions were high. As she found Lena’s car, Stef had reeled herself in enough to clear her head but waiting made her antsy so she paced beside the vehicle, rehearsing in her head what she wanted to say.

By the time she heard footsteps approaching, Stef was standing with her arms crossed under her chest, leaning against the car and chewing on her lower lip. Turning to see Lena walking towards her, she felt that flutter in her chest start again. How had she ever thought that could be anything but love?

Pushing away from the car, she let her arms fall down by her sides. She faced Lena without any barriers – nothing to hide behind. The way she should have been when all of this started. And for the first time, out of all the times she had tried to have this conversation, Stef felt a calm fall over her. This was it. She had done what Lena asked. Her life was already permanently altered by this woman and there was no going back, no matter how it turned out. Somehow, knowing that gave her a sense of peace she’d been looking for her entire life.

Lena stopped in front of her, her defenses still up but looking less angry than she’d been a few minutes ago. She let out a small huff and shook her head.

“I’m not doing this,” she repeated the same thing she had told Stef inside. “I’m not. I’m not getting involved with a married woman. Women like you… You are just passing through. But this is where I live, Stef–”

Stef cut her off. Lena still didn’t get that Stef was in this. Really, really in this and that was what she needed her to know. If she was going to turn her down again, she was going to do it knowing that Stef had done her part and had shown up. Even if it had been a little late.

“I told Mike. And I told my dad and I told all of my– Well, most of my friends. I told them I’m gay.” Stef paused for a moment, watching as Lena’s demeanor began to shift ever so slightly. “I even used the word lesbian.”

It came out almost as a joke but she was so proud of herself for getting that word out, for actually saying it that she needed Lena to know. And the way Lena’s chin tilted down and her brows drew together, she could tell Lena needed hear it, too.

“I told them I met a woman that I can’t live without and I– I belong with you, Lena…” As her emotions spilled over, her voice started to break. This was the point of no return, her heart laid bare with nothing to guard it, for Lena to choose whether or not to take it.

Lena shifted on her feet, swallowing as she looked away from Stef for the first time. She blinked and pressed her lips together while Stef tried to decipher her body language, searching her face for some sign that she had heard, that she understood what she was saying. An uncomfortable vulnerability glistened in Stef’s eyes, making her face warm and flushed. It was too much. She needed Lena to give her something, anything. Even if it was a no.

“That is if you’ll…” she started to prompt her before trailing off, afraid of the answer.

“You had me at lesbian,” Lena said, shaking her head, the ghost of a smile on her lips.

The hesitant smile that grew on Stef’s face was nothing like the elation that spread from her heart to fill her all the way to the tips of her toes. She felt like she was inside herself for the first time, seeing Lena through her own eyes and feeling the magnetic pull that had been guiding her towards her this whole time. As they stood there, Lena seemed stuck, stunned and still fighting that pull that she must have felt, too. But Stef was done fighting it. She was powerless against its force, powerless against her, and, finally, she was free from the prison that kept them apart. So, Stef took Lena’s wrists with gentle hands to draw her in and was met with no resistance.

Lena’s arms settled around Stef’s waist as the distance between them closed. Stef’s heart pounded in her chest, her hands shaking as they slid up Lena’s arms and around to her back. They came together, their foreheads touching, lips just a breath apart. Stef marveled at the way someone could make her feel so fragile and so strong at the same time.

Their lips met and Stef felt Lena’s radiance spread through her, stronger than it ever had before. Lena’s hands clung to her back as she kissed her with such tenderness that she kissed Stef’s breath away. Stef held her closer, soaking up her warmth and when she opened her eyes, the world around them glowed with brilliant, golden light. She cupped Lena’s cheek, reveling in the softness as she peered into her dark eyes, watching them dance with sunlight.

“I love you, Lena,” she breathed.

“So?” he pressed.

She could feel him looking at her and she had to work to keep her face neutral. Almost a week had passed since she’d come out to Mike and she’d been trying to figure out when and how to come out at work. Working together with Mike meant their social circles more than overlapped. They were almost identical and as much as she wanted to just get it over with, she didn’t want to make it any harder on Mike than it already was. She knew how the guys at work could be. Their divorce would be enough fodder for them. Mike being married to a lesbian? She could only imagine the taunting and humiliation he was going to face. More than likely, she would, too, but… Well, it was her fault, wasn’t it? She was the lesbian. Mike was just an innocent bystander who she dragged into it and he didn’t deserve whatever was coming. After a couple of days, she had realized there was never going to be a good time to inflict that on him so she had made the choice to take off her wedding ring and figured she would go from there.

“Things are not, uh, not going that great.” Stef tapped her thumb on the steering wheel. “We’re actually… Well, we’re getting divorced.”

“Dammit,” Harris muttered under his breath.

“I didn’t realize you were so invested in my marriage.” Stef gave a dry laugh.

“No, sorry, it’s just. The guys. They have, uh…” Harris cleared his throat as he looked down at his lap. “Well, there might be a pool going for whether you guys split up or not.”

“Seriously?”

Stef looked over at him and Harris scrunched his face and shrugged.

“Yeah.” He had the decency to look ashamed, at least.

“Wow. You guys are a real bunch of assholes, you know that?” Despite the sting, she just rolled her eyes and gave a good-natured smile. At heart, they were a good group of guys – even if sensitivity wasn’t abundant among them.

“In my defense, at least I had you down for reconciliation.”

Stef looked at him sideways. “You’re still an asshole. And you’re not even going to get anything for it,” she added, a smug smile creeping onto her face.

“So… there’s no chance you guys are gonna work things out?”

Stef hesitated for a moment before answering. “No.”

“What happened? I mean, the way Mike’s been talking, we all really thought you guys were gonna pull through.”

“We were trying but. Turns out we’ve got some… irreconcilable differences.”

“Really? You guys always seemed to get along so well.”

Stef pressed her lips together, adrenaline making her hands shake. If she wanted an easy way to come out to everyone at work, this was her opportunity. Harris couldn’t keep anything to himself, even to save his own ass. It was a wonder he’d kept the pool to himself this long. If she told him, he’d do most of the work for her and that sounded way more appealing than going around, coming out to everyone one at a time. She cleared her throat and tightened her grip on the steering wheel.

“Do you know many lesbians who want to be married to men?”

“Uh… No?”

“Me, neither.”

A long silence stretched between them. Stef stared straight ahead at the brake lights in front of them as traffic continued to creep along.

“What the hell are you talking about?” Harris finally asked.

“Jesus. You know, for someone with a college education, you’re really dumb.”

“What does that mean?”

“You’re really going to make me spell it out for you, aren’t you?” she sneered. Stef scoffed and shook her head. “I’m a lesbian, Harris.” Her eyes were still glued to the car in front of her while her face grew hot. Even the edges of her ears burned red.

“You’re… a lesbian?” he asked slowly. “But… You don’t look like a lesbian.”

“Yeah, well, I haven’t received my uniform yet. My flannels and Birkenstocks should be here any day.” There was more of an edge than usual to her sarcasm. What was he expecting? For her to suddenly morph into a walking, talking stereotype?

“Alright, sorry, I wasn’t trying to offend you, I was just saying.” Another silence stretched on, both of them with their eyes fixed on the road. Stef drummed her thumb on the steering wheel again.

“So,” Harris ventured into the silence, “you’re really goin’ down under now, huh?” He nudged her with his elbow, wagging his eyebrows at her with a mischievous glint in his eye.

“Oh good lord, Harris.” Stef grimaced and shook her head, trying to play it off. “What are you, twelve?” Her face was red hot.

“What? C’mon, Foster. You can’t lay something like that on me and not at least give me some details or something.”

“I’m not–” Stef sighed. “There are no details to give, okay? Can we please talk about something else?” Stef shook her head again and flexed her jaw, wishing to God that the traffic would hurry up and move.

That evening after Brandon was down for the night, Stef sat at the kitchen table with her hands wrapped around a cup of microwaved of coffee. She watched the steam swirl up from beneath the rim of the mug as her mind wandered back over the day. Coming out to Harris had been easier than any of the times before had been. She wasn’t sure if that was because Harris’ feelings about her didn’t matter as much to her or if it was just going to be easier to say each time. She had always thought about coming out as some big event that someone went through once and then it was over. But it felt like a never-ending process. She had only started and was already exhausted. Hopefully it would keep getting easier.

The phone sat on the table beside her. She thought about calling her mom. Even if she’d only come out to her partner for now, she had come out at work! She was proud of herself and wanted to share that with someone. Her mom was really her only option but her mom was neither the person she wanted to talk to nor the person who needed to hear about it.

Picking up the phone, Stef dialed Lena’s number and listened to it ring until she heard the familiar greeting from her answering machine. Hearing her voice made her chest ache. God, she missed her.

The beep sounded.

“Lena, it’s Stef. Can we please talk? I have something I need to tell you and I don’t– I would really like to tell you in person. Please, just, call me back?”

Stef hung up and set the phone aside. This was the third message she had left on Lena’s answering machine since coming out to Mike and she was starting to feel desperate. No matter what happened, Stef was going to keep moving forward. She didn’t really have a choice. Still, she wasn’t going to give up until Lena at least knew that she had done what she asked and that this was as real for her as it was for Lena. Of course, that couldn’t happen if Lena refused to even talk to her.

Her pride dissipated to disappointment and she sat at the table just holding the hot mug in her hands, her back pressed against the chair. When all the warmth was gone from the coffee, she got up and dumped it in the sink before trudging down to her room where she crawled into bed, tucking herself in with her loneliness.

That same loneliness persisted through the next week. As predicted, Harris had been doing a lot of talking and every day it seemed more people knew she was gay. There was a freedom in it, similar to how she’d felt immediately after telling Mike. But it brought a change in the way her colleagues interacted with her. Guys she had known for years no longer had time to stop and chat. Those who did either asked a lot of personal questions that Stef wasn’t ready to answer or made jokes at varying levels of vulgarity that were downright uncomfortable for her. But she tried to play along. Getting offended, getting emotional would only push her out of her spot in this boys’ club that she had cultivated over the years and that was the last thing she wanted. Everyone seemed to have their eyes on her all the time, like she was on display and it was strangely isolating. She felt like an island drifting through waters that just a week ago had been like home and now were unrecognizable.

Still, she knew things were going better for her than they were for Mike. He’d barely spoken to her until she dropped Brandon off last weekend. He had demanded to know why she would humiliate him by telling everyone why they were getting a divorce. He wanted to know why she couldn’t have waited until their breakup settled to come out because now everyone knew he had married a lesbian and he looked like a “fucking idiot.” Even if she knew it was her fault, his anger had made her defensive and they ended up yelling at each other before Mike slammed the door in her face and Stef had driven home in a rage. If they had barely been on speaking terms before, they certainly weren’t after that and that was just one less person she had in her life. Their numbers were dwindling at an alarming rate.

In that week, Stef left Lena two more messages and had even broken down and emailed her. She didn’t know what else to do. Every day that passed, every phone call that went unanswered made Stef miss her more. She ached to talk to her, to hear her laugh again. Lena had been like the sun breaking through the clouds in her life and now, without her, darkness was creeping back in. The longer she was gone, the more the cold dampness seeped into Stef’s bones until it started wearing away at her determination. Loneliness turned into hopelessness and Stef was ready to throw in the towel and succumb to the darkness.

After a particularly rough day on the beat and an even rougher day at the station, Stef wanted nothing more than dinner with Brandon, a shower, and a long night’s sleep. She was on her way out when a firm, commanding voice behind her called her name.

“Foster.”

Stef looked over her shoulder to see Captain Roberts leaning around her office doorway.

“Can I have a word?”

She turned and followed her into her office. Standing in the center of the room, she covered her right hand with her left, clasping them in front of her. Her back stiffened when Captain Roberts closed the door.

“Ma’am?” Stef still didn’t know Captain Roberts very well. It had only been about six months since she transferred to San Diego. She was young to already be a captain; only a few years older than herself, Stef guessed. But she was tough and she didn’t take any shit, which Stef liked about her. She carried herself with an austerity that didn’t allow for the questioning of her authority without the pretentiousness of Stef’s last two male captains.

“Your name’s been coming up a lot around the station lately.” The captain walked around Stef and leaned on the corner of her desk.

Stef cleared her throat and looked down. Apparently, it took just over a week for word to make it all the way to the top.

“You and Mike are getting a divorce?”

“We are.”

“I’m sorry to hear that.”

“Thank you.” After a brief pause, Stef looked back up at her. “Is that all?”

“There’s another rumor going around as well.”

Stef’s back tensed even further. “Ma’am, I–”

The captain held up a staying hand. “I don’t need to know the details of your personal life. As long as it’s not affecting your work, it’s none of my business.”

Stef closed her mouth and tucked her chin, swallowing the explanation she’d been about to offer.

“Has there been any harassment?”

“Captain?”

“Have you received any threats? Any verbal or physical abuse? Anything that you need to report to me?”

Stef didn’t answer right away. A few of the guys had thought it would be funny to buy her The Whole Lesbian Sex Book and a box of dental dams as a “coming out” present. And she was pretty sure Johnson had covered the word dyke in a cough when she walked by yesterday. But other than that, she’d mostly just noticed that some of the guys made less eye contact when talking to her, while others made far more than they ever had before. There was certainly a difference in the station. She felt less comfortable than she had a week ago. But for the most part, it was harmless and certainly not worth whatever repercussions would come to her from tattling to their captain.

“No, Ma’am.”

“Good.” Captain Roberts nodded. “I don’t tolerate that kind of behavior in my department. I’m sure you’ll let me know if that changes.”

“I will.”

The captain studied her, a silence dragging on as Stef tried to contain the urge to fidget beneath her gaze.

“It’s hard enough being a woman in a boys’ club,” she finally said. “Being open about your life in this environment – it’s not easy. Personally, I prefer to keep my private life private but I commend you for your bravery.”

“Thank you,” Stef said quietly.

“It gets easier with time. You can trust me on that. There’s happiness out there for us, too.”

It took everything Stef had to keep the shock off of her face. Was she hearing her right? Was she…? Did the captain just come out to her?

“If there’s anything I can do to help make this transition easier for you, let me know.”

Speechless, Stef wet her lips and nodded.

“Great.” Captain Roberts crossed to the door and pulled it open. “Now, go on and get home to that baby of yours.”

A rush of adrenaline shot through her when she heard the line connect.

“Hello?” Mike’s familiar voice came through the phone.

“Mike. Hi.”

“Stef?”

“Yeah, sorry.” She gave a nervous chuckle.

“Is everything okay?”

“What? Oh, yeah, no everything’s fine.”

“That’s good.” Mike paused after an unsure laugh. “So, what’s up?” he asked.

Stef cleared her throat and picked at her jeans.

“Well, I just, y'know, was thinking about this morning and about us and I thought…” She paused and took a breath to unlock the muscles tightening around her chest, “How about that raincheck?”

“Now?”

“What? No. No, I’ve got Brandon.”

A light chortle came through the phone. “I thought maybe you were gonna spring for a babysitter. Take me out on another date.”

The laugh she returned was strained and uncomfortable. “No, I just thought maybe… we should talk about us.”

“Yeah, sure. I’ve been thinking about us, too, actually.” Mike’s usual laid-back manner, colored with a hint of brightness was so far from the bleakness settling in Stef’s bones. How was she going to get through this? She slumped back against the couch, deflating with a quiet sigh.

“You’re working late again tomorrow, aren’t you?” she asked.

“Sure am.”

“Okay, how about, uh… Can I meet you after I drop Brandon off at school?”

“Sure. Coffee at our usual spot?”

“Yeah, sure.”

“Great. How’s nine-ish?”

“That’s fine.”

“Alright. See you tomorrow. Love you.” The sentiment was so casual, so habitual, just the way he’d always said it and Stef was glad he wasn’t there to see the way it made the blood drain from her face.

After too long, she said, “I love you, too, Mike,” because she did, even if it wasn’t the way she was supposed to.

It would have been too much to ask for the next morning to go as smoothly as the last. It started out with Stef spending twenty minutes trying to dislodge a mysteriously clogged toilet, only to eventually fish out a sock filled with toy army men. When the only explanation offered by her son was something about lost treasure and a submarine, she stopped listening. By the time she stripped out of her clothes that were covered in toilet water, washed her arms up to the elbows, and got changed, they were thirty minutes behind schedule, Brandon was still in his pajamas, and neither of them had eaten. Stef ordered Brandon to get dressed while she dumped cereal into a bowl and didn’t bat an eye when he came out in a striped red button-down shirt with neon green basketball shorts. She chugged a cup of coffee while Brandon ate like it was a lazy Sunday morning, spurred on only by gruff encouragements flung over Stef’s shoulder while she threw together a snack for him to take to school. By the time they were headed for the door, they’d only made up five minutes of their time which were then lost, along with three more, when Brandon couldn’t find his left shoe and refused to wear a different pair. Stef was at her wits end when she found the shoe in his sock drawer. Socks in the toilet? Shoes in the sock drawer? This was all very uncharacteristic of her tidy, meticulous son. Maybe they had a poltergeist. Or maybe the universe was already punishing her.

After rushing out the door, she pushed the speed limit as much as she could without the benefit of her police cruiser. She made up a few minutes on the drive but they were still late. She walked Brandon down to his classroom, helped him get his backpack put away, apologized to his teacher, and kissed him on the cheek before slipping out of the class. She then did a walk of shame down to the office. It was only his second day of school and she was already that mom who couldn’t get her kid to school on time. She kept her head down, signed him in late, and booked it out of there without making eye contact with anyone.

The morning had been so hectic, Stef had forgotten about meeting Mike. She was halfway home before it hit her while sitting at a red light.

“Fuck.” When the light turned green, she made a U-turn from the center lane and headed toward the cafe she and Mike always went to.

When she pulled up ten minutes late, she didn’t know if her heart was racing from rushing or from anticipation. What she did know was that she didn’t have time to sit in the car and worry about what she was going to say or how she was going to say it and that was probably for the best. She took a moment just to breathe, trying to settle her nerves but the quiet only made her more jittery so she groaned and shook her head.

“Just get it over with,” she muttered to herself. Then she grabbed her purse and got out of the car, rushing like she had all morning. And this time she was headed right for the eye of the storm.

Rounding the corner, Stef saw Mike sitting at one of the little tables, his hands already wrapped around a cup of coffee.

“Hi,” she breathed through the sickening flutter in her stomach, waving a hand as she strode toward him.

“Hey.” Mike stood to greet her. When he took hold of her waist and kissed her cheek, she didn’t know what to do with her hands so she patted his arm and tried not to pull away.

“I, uh– Sorry I’m late,” she said as she sat down. She hung her purse over the back of her chair and turned to face her husband, licking her lips and adjusting her shirt before running out of things to do but look up at him. The warm grin and a calm air coming from him were like a balloon pressing against her grating energy, waiting to be popped. A silence stretched between them. She needed to talk, to say something, but her tongue was all tied up in her mouth and her brain was nothing but empty echoes.

“Look,” Mike finally said, “the separation’s been good. I mean, bad…” That familiar, charming smile broke through as he laughed at himself. “But good. It’s made me realize that I have not been present in our marriage for a while, and I’m sorry.” The longer he talked, the harder the words stuck in Stef’s throat. Her head was screaming at her to interrupt, to stop him before it got any worse. Just tell him. But she was frozen, watching this scene play out as if on a screen and it didn’t matter how loudly she screamed. She couldn’t hear herself through the glass. “Our family’s everything to me, Stef. I’m gonna spend more time with you and Brandon. I’m gonna communicate. Hell, I’ll even go to counseling. I just.” Mike shrugged and smiled. “I love you.”

Stef’s blood ran cold. Everything after counseling went unheard because that had been her final condition. He had to get sober and he had to be willing to go to counseling. She realized that this was him stepping up to the plate and she couldn’t believe the irony. That he had chosen this moment to do exactly what she was doing – making that last push to prove her commitment. To someone else. She couldn’t let this go on any longer. She had to tell him and she had to do it now.

She took a deep breath, then exhaled as she gathered the courage to take the final leap. “Counseling can’t fix what’s wrong with us, Mike.”

“I thought that’s what you wanted.”

“Look, you’re a good man and you’re a really good dad…” Her chest was tight as she spoke, her heartache wrapped around every word. “But I haven’t been happy.”

Mike sat back, confusion on his face. “Yeah, lately. Me neither.” He leaned toward her, taking hold of his mug. “But things were good before, Stef.” He spoke as if he just needed to jog her memory. Like if she remembered, she would realize her mistake and take it back. If only it were that simple.

“Because I tried to make them good.” Stef wet her lips and looked away from him, trying to gather her thoughts. “But–” Stumbling over her words, she sighed, and tried to restart, only to sigh again. There was no way to soften this blow. She knew that. Yet she couldn’t help but try. Closing her eyes, she tried one more time. “But something was missing because I was not able to love you the way you love me.”

“I don’t understand.” Mike was hunched over his coffee, a deep crease settling between his eyebrows that were drawn low over his eyes. “Why not?”

Stef’s cheeks burned and the knot in her stomach twisted until it hurt to breathe. She had to say it now or she would never get it out. Fighting her instinct to look away, Stef swallowed and pushed the words out of her throat. “Because I’m gay… I’m a lesbian.” It still felt uncomfortable in her mouth, like a foreign word she could never pronounce just right. But she had managed to get it out and she felt a rush of relief at having been able to say it at all.

Mike’s face fell as he stared at her, his eyes unreadable except for the bewilderment in them. When he didn’t say anything, she barreled on.

“And I’m so sorry… For you, and for me, for…” Stef looked up, searching for the right words through the adrenaline, unable to think with Mike staring at her. Tears pricked at her eyes, making them burn red, but she refused to let them fall. Her voice trembled when she continued, each word clunky as she dragged them out from the swirling fog in her brain. “For it taking so long to be able to say that, and to… accept–” she took a shaky breath, “before now. I…” Though her explanation felt inadequate, she let it trail off when there were no more words to say, nothing else that would make it any better.

“Why now?” Mike asked.

Stef looked down at the table between them. Telling him would only complicate things but in that moment, she didn’t feel entitled to keep anything from him. If she was going to do this, end her marriage, try and convince Lena to be with her, she couldn’t do it half-way and as much as she wished it didn’t, that meant complete honesty with Mike. She took a slow breath and wet her lips again before bringing her eyes back up to meet his.

“Because I met someone.”

The hurt in his eyes was instant. She could see it even as he looked away, tensing his jaw to try and hide it.

“You met someone?“ he said slowly, like the words didn’t quite make sense. There was a moment so silent Stef was convinced everyone around could hear her heart pounding before he spoke again. ”That’s great, Stef.” He laughed but there was no humor in it. “Here I am, trying to do everything I can to make this work and save our marriage while you’re out, just, screwing around. With a woman! God, I’m such an idiot.” He slumped back in his chair, shaking his head as he scrubbed his hand over his mouth.

“No! No, Mike, I’m not. We haven’t–” she rushed to correct him. “I’m not having an affair. I just… I have feelings for someone,” she admitted, looking away from him and feeling stupid. How had she not assumed that’s what he would think? Why would he think anything else?

There was a brief silence before Mike looked at her and scoffed.

"I guess that’s supposed to make me feel better?”

“No, it’s…” Stef sighed. “I just don’t want you to think something’s going on that isn’t.”

Mike stared down into his coffee, his jaw jutting forward as he worked his anger through it.

“Who is it?” he demanded.

Stef stared at the trembling hands in her lap. “Does it matter?”

Mike crossed his arms over his chest. “Yeah, it does.”

“We’re not together, Mike. We’re not anything. She–”

“I think I have a right to know who turned my wife into a lesbian.”

“That’s not–” Stef took a breath that did nothing to settle her nerves. “She didn’t turn me into a lesbian. I’ve always been one. I just… didn’t know. Or didn’t want to know, maybe. I don’t–”

“Okay, fine, sorry.” The word dripped with insincerity. "I have a right to know who made my wife realize she’s a lesbian.” There was a harsh bitterness in his tone that nipped at Stef’s nerves. “Do I know her?”

Stef closed her eyes, inhaling as she wet her lips.

“You’ve met, yes.” Her words were quiet as she worked to control the tremble in her voice.

“Dammit, Stef. Just tell me.”

Stef swallowed as she continued to study her hands. “Lena Adams.” Just saying her name made her cheeks flush with heat. Mike’s face remained blank as he stared at her. “The Assistant Vice Principal of Brandon’s school,” she clarified, her airy voice catching in her throat.

Recognition bled across his face and his eyes narrowed.

“Wait a minute. Is that why you wanted him to go to that school so bad? So you could get close to her or, or have a reason to see her? Or whatever you do when you’re ‘not’ having an affair with someone?”

Hurt blossomed in Stef’s chest and her eyes met his across the table.

“C'mon, Mike. You know me better than that.”

“I thought so but obviously I don’t.”

Guilt churned in her stomach and Stef cast her eyes back down toward the table.

“I’m really sorry, Mike. I didn’t mean for any of this to happen.”

Mike leaned forward again, resting his arms on the table. “Then how did it happen?”

“What do you mean?” She didn’t know what kind of explanation he was looking for. It all happened so fast, she didn’t really even know.

“I mean, how did this happen? Something must have gone on between the two of you. Or did you just wake up one day and decide you’re a lesbian?”

“No, I…” Stef trailed off, still not sure how to answer. Her whole body itched to leave, to just run away and not have to face his pain and his questions. She had told him. That’s what Lena had wanted from her and that’s what she had done. But she knew at the very least, she owed him whatever answers he wanted.

“Then how, Stef?”

With a shaky breath, she brought her eyes up to meet his and found them hard and cold.

“I, um– We were…” Her heart pounded so hard it was a struggle to get a full breath. “We became friends. After meeting at the school. And then we just, kind of, developed feelings for each other.” Her shoulders were up by her ears by the time she finished, the explanation feeling flat and empty compared to the way Lena made her feel. But that was something she didn’t know how to explain. There were no words to describe it and it wouldn’t be fair to Mike for her to try.

“Oh, so the feelings are mutual? Did she seduce you?”

Dropping her shoulders, Stef shook her head. “No. She didn’t seduce me.” Though she still spoke quietly, a bite made it into her words, defensive on Lena’s behalf. The accusation was so far from the truth it was damn near laughable.

“Okay, then how exactly do you know she feels the same way?”

Stef’s eyes slid away and she chewed on her lip, her heart racing as her cheeks flushed.

“You are sleeping with her, aren’t you?”

“I’m not sleeping with her,” Stef sighed, shaking her head.

“Then what is going on, Stef? Either I’m really stupid or you’re not telling me something because this doesn’t make any sense.”

There was no way she could explain everything that happened between her and Lena. It was too complicated, too messy. She didn’t understand why he wanted to know everything. Wouldn’t that just make it harder?

“You know what, if you can’t even be honest with me, what’s the point? I’m just gonna go,” Mike said when Stef remained silent. He was getting ready to stand when Stef found her voice again.

“I kissed her,” she blurted out. “I know she feels the same way because she told me after I kissed her.”

Mike lowered himself back into his seat. During the long silence that stretched between them, Stef studied the artificial grain of the laminate table.

"But you’re not sleeping together?” he finally said.

Stef shook her head.

“Then how do you know you’re a lesbian?”

She sighed and brought her eyes back to him. “I just do.”

“‘You just do?’ That’s it? You want to throw this all away, our marriage, our family, over one kiss and 'you just do’ is all you’ve got? I mean, help me out here, Stef.”

“What do you want me to say?”

“I want you to help me understand how you can suddenly know you’re gay, after all the years we’ve spent together. How do you know this isn’t just some fling or, or an exciting forbidden romance or whatever because we’re going through a hard time?”

Stef let the question hang in the air. She knew the answer but she didn’t want to say it. She didn’t want to hurt him any more that she already had.

“C’mon, Stef.” It was somewhere between a command and a plea and Stef wasn’t sure her heart could feel any heavier. She closed her eyes and took a slow breath.

“I’m in love with her, Mike.” Forcing the words out around the tightness in her chest, they were a breathy and fragile confession.

“You’re in–?” Confusion swallowed his words as he stared at her for a moment before dropping his gaze down to his coffee mug, nodding his head as he worked it out. “And you’re not in love with me,” he finally said.

“No.” Stef’s confession was little more than a whisper.

“Were you ever?”

Stef’s eyes pleaded at him across the table. “I tried to be. I wanted to be–”

“But you weren’t.”

Looking down again, she swallowed hard. Mike’s stare drilled into her and even though they both knew the answer, Stef knew he wouldn’t relent until she said it.

“No.” It was barely audible but she may as well have screamed it for how it echoed between them. She had delivered her final blow and, defeated, Mike looked back down into his coffee.

“I guess that’s it then.” His words were short, the bite back in them, and when he looked up at her, his eyes were dark. She knew him well enough to know the anger was a cover for hurt and humiliation, though she wished that he was just angry. He certainly had every right to be and it would have been easier to take. “I mean, I’m assuming you want a divorce.”

Stef didn’t answer. She didn’t need to and anything she could have said would have just been more salt in the wound.

“Right. You got it, Stef. You can have your divorce. You can have your affair, or ‘not-affair,’ or whatever it is you’re doing. Everything you want and I’ll get out of your way since I’m the only thing you don’t want.”

“Mike…” Her stomach hurt and her eyes were wet with the tears she was still refusing to let fall. She couldn’t bear to look at him but she forced herself to anyway. “I wish things could be different. I… I’m so sorry.”

“You know what, I just– I can’t.” Shaking his head, Mike waved Stef’s words away with his hands. “I can’t do this. I need to go.” The scrape of his chair against the cement as he pushed away from the table made Stef jump. He pulled a bill from his wallet.

“Mike, wait,” Stef pleaded, though she didn’t know why. What else could she say? There was no making this better.

He looked at her, the hurt unmasked in his eyes for just a moment. When she said nothing, he huffed and shook his head.

“See ya around, Stef,” he sneered before tossing his money on the table and walking away.

They piled the bags in the middle of the living room floor, Stef’s now empty arms feeling like they were made of lead.

“Help me find the clothes, B.”

“But I gotta unpack it!” Brandon protested. He had already started taking things out of one bag, separating the contents into a few different piles.

“Okay, well, I’ve got to get the laundry started. Unless you’d like to go to your first day of school naked…” She shrugged her shoulders and raised her eyebrows dramatically, a smile teasing the corners of her mouth.

“Nooo!” he squealed, giggling at the very idea.

“Alright, then. Help me find the clothes and then you can sort the rest. Then we’ll get everything packed and ready for Monday.” As her son started digging through the bags, Stef shook her head, amused. How could a five-year-old be so meticulous?

With the clothes gathered and their tags removed, Stef left Brandon in the living room to sort while she went to retrieve the rest of his dirty clothes from his room. She dug through his hamper, dropping the lights into the washing machine and tossing the darks on top of the dryer. She was almost down to the bottom when the phone rang.

“Can I get it?” Brandon yelled, the sound of his voice fading as he ran with smacking feet toward the phone in the kitchen.

“No!” Stef hollered back, jogging to catch up to him. Why he thought he could answer the phone when she told him no every time, she would never understand. Meticulous and persistent.

The caller I.D. flashed her mom’s name so Stef picked up just before the answering machine.

“Hi, Mom.”

“Gramma? I wanna talk to Gramma!” her son squealed, drowning out Sharon’s voice as he bounced on his toes, his hands grabbing toward the phone.

“Hold on, Mom,” Stef said, then pulled the phone down below her chin to talk to her son. “When I’m done, sweets.” When he stuck out his lower lip and furrowed his brows, Stef arched her own as high as they could go and tilted her chin down low, a serious sign of danger that Brandon knew better than to argue with. “Go finish with your school supplies and you can talk to Grandma when we’re done.”

“O-kay.” Brandon huffed and made a slow pivot before slouching from the kitchen.

“Sorry,” Stef said into the phone.

“That’s alright, honey. School supplies, already? I cannot believe he’s starting school!”

Stef let out a tense bark of laughter.

“Tell me about it,” she said as she sank into one of the chairs at the table. “My baby is growing up too fast! How do I make him stop?” she whined.

Sharon chuckled.

“Well if I knew that, sweetheart, you’d still be six. I never liked you more than when you were six.”

“Wow, thanks, Mom.” Stef rolled her eyes, smiling into the phone.

“Yeah, well, you’re not so bad now, either.”

“So glad you think so.” Stef shook her head and leaned back in her chair. “So, Mom, did you call just to talk school supplies or…?”

“Well, no, of course not…” There was a short pause on the other side of the phone. “It’s just, we haven’t talked about what you told me the last time you were over, you know, and I just. Well, I wanted to check in and find out how you’re doing. That’s all.”

Stef’s back straightened against the chair, a familiar discomfort creeping over her. “I’m– I’m fine, Mom.”

“Are you sure?”

Stef nodded against the phone, still not convincing herself. “Yes.”

“Stefanie.” Sharon’s firm, quiet tone made Stef’s shoulders sag. She knew that tone and she knew it was one that wasn’t worth fighting.

With her mom, it was always better to just get straight to the point.

“I came out to Dad,” she admitted quietly.

“You did?” The shock in her mom’s voice was over the top, even for her, and Stef’s eyes narrowed in suspicion.

“Mom, did you know?” Silence answered. “Mom? Is that why you called? Because you talked to Dad?”

Another beat passed before Sharon sighed. “Yes. Listen, your father and I had a conversation–”

“Wait, so you were going to tell him? I mean, if I hadn’t already told him, you were going to?” Hurt colored her words at what felt like a betrayal. “I can’t believe you would–”

“Now, hold on just a minute.” Sharon cut her off, her voice raised over her daughter’s. “I was not going to tell him–”

“Oh, so you’ve started having regular conversations with your ex-husband, who you can barely stand, and the subject of my sexuality just happened to come up?” Stef snapped.

“Oh, please, Stefanie. Do you really think Frank and I never talk? Your father and I may not be the best of friends – we may not even like each other all that much but we raised a family together. And there are some things you just have to talk about when you have a child with someone.”

“So you did call to tell him. Of course you–”

“No, I certainly did not,” her mom cut her off again, barreling over her this time. “I called to feel him out, to gauge how he would feel about it because I knew you’d eventually have to tell him and I know how your father can be. I wanted to try to give you as much of a leg up as I could. But when I started prodding for a little information, he figured it out and asked me if I knew. I figured at that point, if he already knew, there was no point in lying about it.”

The explanation brought Stef to a halt. She chewed on her bottom lip, looking down at the table and sighing. She was still frustrated about her mother’s meddling but her initial hurt started to ease off. It sounded just like something her mom would do. She always had good, if misguided, intentions and right now she was the only one in Stef’s corner.

“What, uh…” She cleared her throat, picking at the table with her thumb nail. “What did he say?”

“You know what, honey, don’t worry about what he said. Okay? You know how he is when he doesn’t understand something. The man throws a hissy fit when McDonald’s changes their menu and he can’t find what he wants.”

What her mother wasn’t saying weighed heavy on Stef’s heart. She was trying to spare her, which meant whatever her dad had said to her, whatever he had refused to say to Stef, had been bad.

“He wouldn’t even look at me, Mom.” Her chest ached every time she thought about it. They may have been having their issues lately but her dad had always been her hero. Maybe it would have been easier if he had outright rejected her. Yelled at her or disowned her or something. The silence of his utter disappointment had been worse than anything else could have been.

“He’ll come around. Just give him some time, darlin’.”

The tenderness in her voice was almost like feeling her mother’s arms around her and Stef wished she could rest her head on her shoulder, the way she did when she was little. Instead, she closed her eyes against the heaviness and sighed.

“Well, I don’t know if this is really a good change of subject but since we’re already dealing with the hard stuff, how’d it go with Mike?”

“I, uh,” she cleared her throat as guilt crept up her spine. “I haven’t told him.”

“You haven’t? And why not?”

“After things went so badly with Dad I just… couldn’t do it.”

“Sweetheart, you have to. Just, rip off the bandaid and get it over with because the longer you wait, the harder it’s gonna be.”

“I know, Mom. I know. I just… With Brandon’s first day of school coming up, it’s going to be hard enough without this big thing between us. It’s B’s day and I don’t want to ruin it. Once we get through that, I’ll talk to him.” That’s what she’d been telling herself to feel better about putting it off. But coming out to her dad had really shaken her. Now, without Lena as motivation, she was finding it very easy to come up with reasons not to tell him just yet.

As if her mom could read her mind, she said, “Alright, well, just make sure you don’t keep finding excuses, okay, sweetheart? The longer you sit on it, the more guilt you’re gonna feel about it. And that’s only gonna make it worse.”

Stef sighed.

“Yes, Mother, I know. Thank you for your concern,” she said, appeasing her with a hint of annoyed endearment. “Now, I’ve got three loads of laundry to do and a year’s worth of school supplies to pack. So, is there anything else you’d like to interrogate me about or can I get back to that?”

Her mom sucked her teeth.

“I definitely liked you better when you were six.”

Stef laughed through her nose and shook her head.

“Goodbye, Mom.”

“Bye, Stefanie. Now put my grandson on the phone. He always loves talking to me.”

“Give him time. He’ll learn,” she quipped as she got up from the table and headed into the living room. To her son she said, “Okay, bud. Grandma wants to say hi.”

Brandon leapt from the floor and bounded over to her, his hand outstretched for the phone.

“I love you, darlin’,” her mom said.

“Love you, too, Mom.” Stef smiled into the phone before handing it to Brandon.

“You’re sure you’re not nervous, sweets?” Stef looked at Brandon in the rearview mirror. He was so cute in the outfit he picked out for himself, clutching his new backpack that he insisted on holding during the car ride. Every time Stef looked back at him, her eyes brimmed with tears as a bittersweet pride swelled in her chest.

“No, Mommy. I can’t wait for school!” His face beamed at her and she wondered how her usually timid little boy could be handling his first day of school so much better than she was. “I like Mrs. Atkins!”

“Me, too.”

“Mommy?”

“Yes, baby?”

“Is Lena gonna be at school? Am I gonna see her?”

Stef felt her back tense as heat rose to her cheeks. Since the Open House, she had spent a lot of time trying not to think about Lena and trying to ignore her aching heart. Having it forced to the forefront of her mind while she was already emotional was almost too much to bear.

“Uh, well,” Stef spoke slowly, working to keep her emotions out of her voice. “You know that Lena works at the school but she’s not a teacher. So, you might see her in the hallway sometimes. But when Lena’s at school she’s working, remember? So if you see her you can wave or say hi but that’s it. I don’t want you bothering her while she’s working. Got it?”

Brandon’s face contorted as he thought about all of this information but he didn’t argue. He just nodded and shrugged.

“Okay, Mommy.”

“And when you’re at school you need to call her Miss Adams.”

“How come?”

“Because it’s respectful,” she answered simply, although it was more complicated than that. Her son had gotten to know Lena outside of school because of the friendship between her and Stef. Since that was over, along with everything else between them, Brandon’s relationship with Lena was going to go back to a strictly professional one and the sooner he got used to that, the better.

“How come I can call her Lena not at school?”

Stef sighed. “Because that’s what she prefers. But at school we call adults by their last names. Just like we do when we meet someone new. It’s polite.”

“So, I say Miss Adams at school and Lena at home,” he clarified, his face bright with understanding.

A beat passed before Stef nodded.

“That’s right,” she agreed, though it was a moot point. He wouldn’t be seeing her at home anymore. That wasn’t a conversation Stef planned on having with him, though. It was her hope that, with time, Lena would just slip from his mind and fade into the background of his school life because he adored Lena and Stef didn’t have it in her to break his heart. One broken heart between mother and son was more than enough.

As Stef turned into the parking lot, the nervous flutter in her stomach grew stronger. She pulled into a parking spot and took off her seat belt.

“Ready for your first day?” she asked, turning to look at Brandon around her seat. His face beamed back at her.

“Yeah!” he whooped and kicked his feet against his seat.

“Alright! Let’s go!” Stef kicked up her enthusiasm, overcompensating for her own twinge of sadness. How had he grown up so fast? She grabbed her purse and her digital camera before getting out and opening Brandon’s door.

They walked hand-in-hand, Brandon almost dragging Stef toward the school where Mike was already waiting.

“Daddy!” At the sight of Mike, Brandon released Stef’s hand and hurtled himself into his arms.

“Hey, B! Are you ready for your big day?”

“Yes, yes, yes!” Brandon hopped on his toes, making his Pikachu backpack bounce against his back. “Mommy said I get to do art and have story time and do recess!”

“That sounds like a blast. I’m glad you’re excited, kiddo.” Mike said, standing up and ruffling Brandon’s hair. “Hi, Stef.” He flashed her his usual bright and charming smile then caught her off guard when he leaned in to kiss her cheek.

“Hey, Mike.” Stef returned the smile with one that she hoped didn’t look as awkward as it felt. As she looked between her husband and son, Stef realized this was probably the last milestone they would reach as a whole, complete family. Her heart grew heavy and she felt antsy beneath the reality that was settling on her shoulders. In an effort to shake it off, she clapped her hands together and put on her brightest smile. “Okay, who’s ready for some pictures?” She directed them to stand together and she snapped picture after picture. Then she and Mike switched places. As Mike took pictures, she hugged Brandon tight against her. Her face beamed with pride, though an undercurrent of sadness made her eyes glisten in more than a few photos.

“Okay, okay, no more, Mommy! I wanna go!” Brandon wriggled in her arm until Stef released him from her grasp.

“Alright, fine,” Stef relented. When Mike handed her back her camera she was hit with another wave of reality, this time making her want to hold on to this family moment for just a little longer. “Just one more, okay, B? I want a picture of all three of us. Then we’ll go. Promise.”

Brandon grumbled while Stef recruited a nearby parent to take their picture. Brandon stood in front of them with one of their hands on each of his shoulders. Mike draped his arm around Stef’s lower back and she let him pull her in close by the hip as they posed beside the school sign for a couple of photos. Stef thanked the woman, flipping through the images after she was handed back her camera. Looking at the photos, no one would guess they were anything but a picture perfect family.

“Okay, bub. Ready to go?” Stef asked.

“Yes!” Brandon hollered and darted toward the door as his parents laughed together at his enthusiasm. They turned to follow him but Stef froze mid-stride, her stomach fluttering at the same time as an ache blossomed in her chest. Lena stood in the middle of the courtyard and for a moment, before she turned and walked in the opposite direction, their eyes met and Stef was sure she had caught her watching them.

“You okay?” Mike asked when he realized Stef had fallen behind. “Earth to Stef,” he said, whistling at her when she didn’t answer.

“Uh yeah, sorry. I just– I thought I saw someone I knew.” She gave a nervous chuckle as her face grew hot.

Stef froze. “Wha– Uh, what… what do you mean?”

“Grampa said I was spending the night so you and Daddy could have ‘lone time’.” The blood drained from Stef’s face.

“He did, did he?” Her voice was sharp, the words pointed like daggers at her father who stood at the counter slurping from the can of Coke.

Brandon nodded. “Uh, huh. Did you see him?” He wriggled with anticipation.

Stef wanted to lie. Squashing this idea now would be so much easier than to let him continue hoping for a reconciliation that wouldn’t happen. That couldn’t happen. She cleared her throat.

“I did, yes,” she answered, despite herself. How could she crush his hopes when she was so painfully familiar with that feeling?

The joy that spread across Brandon’s face tore at her heart. This was exactly what she was trying to avoid and knowing that she was the one who would have to deal with the fallout had her blood boiling. She cleared her throat again and set Brandon down, taking the opportunity to reel in her anger enough to get him out of the room.

“Why don’t you go get your things packed up, okay? I’ll come find you in a minute.”

“Okay!” Brandon took off and as soon as his footfalls faded down the hallway, Stef rounded on her father, her anger allowing her to look him in the eye.

“I cannot believe you.” She moved toward him, dropping her voice to keep out of Brandon’s earshot.

“What?”

Stef scoffed. “You told him that I was seeing Mike after I specifically told you I didn’t want him to know.”

“So, what?”

“You had no right to do that.”

“He’s a kid. He doesn’t understand what’s going on.”

Stef shook her head in disbelief. “Did you see how excited he was? Obviously, he understands enough.” As her anger grew, so did her voice.

“I don’t understand why you’re making this such a big deal.”

“Because it is a big deal, Dad! I don’t want him getting confused. You’ve already got his hopes up and that’s exactly what I was trying to avoid.”

“His hopes should be up. You and Mike are working things out.”

Stef groaned in frustration and scrubbed her hands over her face. “No, we’re not, Dad!”

Frank’s eyebrows furrowed in confusion as he stared at her. “You’re not?”

Stef sighed and dropped her hands to her sides. “No.”

“Then why’d you go out with him last night?” It was an accusation more than it was a question.

“I…” She paused after realizing she had no answer. Not one she could tell him. Just thinking about it made her palms sweaty so she shoved her hands in her pockets. “I guess… I just wanted to be sure before I made my decision.” She shrugged one shoulder and chewed on her bottom lip. That was close enough to the truth, anyway.

Frank crossed his arms over his chest. “So you’re leaving him? Just like that?”

Stef sighed and bowed her head, eyes closed. What else was there to say? It wasn’t ‘just like that’ but any defense she had to offer would lead to a conversation that she wasn’t ready for.

“I thought I raised you better than that,” Frank muttered, his voice heavy with disappointment.

A deep crease formed between Stef’s brows as she looked back up at him. “What does that mean?”

“It’s bad enough you and Mike have been separated this long.” He shook his head. “It’s not right for people to get divorced while they have kids.”

Shock washed over Stef’s face, her mouth gaping open. “Seriously, Dad? You’re divorced.”

Frank’s tone hardened in defense. “Your mother and I waited until you were an adult before we split up.”

“Yeah and that was a blast for me,” Stef snapped back.

“You know what, do whatever you want.” Frank rolled the bag of chips closed and turned away to take them back to the cupboard. “You will, anyway.”

Stef sighed, her hands thrust out in surrender. “What do you want from me, Dad?”

Frank faced her again. “I want you to do what’s best for your son.”

His words hit like a punch to the gut. “I am doing what’s best for him.”

“No, you’re doing what’s best for you.”

“Sometimes, those are the same thing.”

“You think it’s in his best interest to have his family torn apart?”

“No, Dad. I think it’s in his best interest to have parents who aren’t stuck together, hating and resenting each other, while he blames himself for making us miserable.” Stef’s anger returned with full force. The implication that she wasn’t putting Brandon first was… well, maybe deep down a part of her agreed but that wasn’t what her dad was talking about. He was only talking about divorcing Mike and no matter what else happened, she knew with absolute certainty that she couldn’t be happy with him. Staying with him for Brandon’s sake was the worst thing she could do for her son. She had lived through that misery and would never make Brandon suffer that way.

“How do you know that’s what’ll happen?”

Stef hesitated. “I just do.”

“People go through rough patches all the time.”

Stef started to lose her patience. How many ways did she have to defend herself and her choices? “This isn’t a– a rough patch. Okay? We’re not going to work it out or, or magically fall back in love because I was never in love with him in the first place.” The words were out before she could stop them and she fell silent, her heart pounding in her throat as she tried to figure out a way to backtrack.

“What do you mean?”

“Nothing.” Stef’s eyes flew to the floor, suddenly a child under his scrutinizing gaze.

“Stef.” He grunted her name the same way he did when he would find her sneaking in after curfew and demand an explanation. Her face burned red and sweat beaded on her palms again. God she couldn’t do this. How could she do this? As she stood under the weight of his demanding stare, she realized this is what Lena had meant. If she wanted to prove that she was really in this, this was the work she had to do.

She shoved her hands back into her pockets and locked her knees so they would stop shaking. His eyes pressed down on her until she couldn’t breathe. The words were lodged in the back of her mouth, acidic and burning her throat like poison.

“I’m gay, Dad.” Her voice faltered, fighting the instinct to swallow the words even as she said them. She waited for the relief the confession had brought her earlier at her mom’s but relief didn’t come this time. Now, even knowing this was the only way, she hated herself for not being stronger, for not being normal, for not being able to be the person he wanted her to be.

A chilling silence fell across her father that she had only seen once before. When she was sixteen while he drove her home from a meeting with the youth minister at their church after he’d found her cuddling on the couch with her best friend. Afterwards, Stef had sat stiff with humiliation in the passenger seat while that silence, dark and suffocating, encroached into her space. Curling away from it, she looked out the window without seeing the blur of the neighborhood passing by. Her hands were tucked under her thighs to keep from flinging open the door. She wanted to jump from the car, to run away from this unbearable shame. Away from him and away from herself. Away from who she was. Now, standing in her father’s kitchen, that dangerous silence fell between them again, pushing its way over to her. Her back was stiff again with that same humiliation, her hands tucked in her pockets, shoulders hunched as she curled away from it. She never thought she would be here again. Everything she had done since that afternoon had been to prevent her from ever feeling this again.

“Dad?” she finally said, unable to take the silence anymore.

“I don’t want to talk about this.” Frank turned his back to her, busying himself with a pile of mail that sat on the counter.

Stef stood with her shoulders pulled up to her ears, her eyes trained on the linoleum floor. “I’m sorry, Dad.” Her voice was barely more than a whisper. When her father remained silent, she dared to look at him for the first time. His back was still to her. “I just…” Stef started slowly. “I know this isn’t what you… I– I tried so hard to, to be who you– Who you want me to be and I… I’m sorry. I just… I can’t pretend anymore…”

Again, she waited. Her father refused to say anything, to acknowledge her at all. Her anger started as a tension in her jaw. The longer he remained silent, the stronger it grew. It crept through her until her hands were balled into shaking fists. It made her stronger. It made her brave.

“I know this isn’t what you want, Dad.” Stef spoke quietly, controlling each word so her voice didn’t tremble. “It’s not what I wanted either. But I can’t be something I’m not. God knows, I spent long enough trying. I’m gay, Dad, and I’m sorry. I’m really sorry. But I’m… I’m in love… with a woman. And for the first time I have a chance at being happy. Really happy. So… even if it’s not how things were supposed to be… Can’t that be enough for both of us?”

Stef watched her father’s jaw grow tight, his spine stiffen. Her pleading eyes went unseen as he still refused to look at her. Stef’s stomach began to ache while her shame grew, overtaking her brief bout of courage as she knew before he spoke that nothing would ever be the same.

“I think you should go.” He flung the words over his shoulder, detached and empty. His face was as cold as stone.

Stef stood, staring with her mouth pressed tight, her jaw clenched as she tried to form words, some argument or plea. Anything to get her dad to change his mind, to forgive her for her sins. But for all the emotions overwhelming her, there was nothing to say. She had made her choice and this is where it had led.

When the silence went on too long, Stef bowed her head, her shoulders slumped forward in defeat.

“I’m sorry, Dad,” she whispered before turning and allowing his silence to push her out.

She leaned against the wall in the hallway outside the living room where Brandon was perched on one of the recliners, engrossed in cartoons. She couldn’t move. With her dad on one side and her son on the other, the hallway felt like shelter, offering her safety in the cover of its darkness. How was she going to get Brandon home when her hands were shaking so bad she had to ball them into fists? Her stomach lurched at the thought of moving and the lump in her throat ached. She couldn’t cry in front of him but the tears were there, pricking at her eyes. When a few trickled down her cheeks, she swiped at them, suddenly angry again. Stef grabbed onto the anger, finding safety and strength in it. The sound of her dad shuffling about in the kitchen, going on with life as usual after shattering hers only added fuel to the fire. She swallowed that damn lump in her throat, forcing it down to join the shame in the pit of her stomach. With her back rigid and her shoulders straight, she forced herself away from the wall and turned the corner to the living room.

“Time to go, Brandon,” she said, her tone sharp.

“But it’s not over!” he whined, pointing at the TV.

“Too bad. It’s time to go,” she repeated. Stef picked up the remote and turned the television off to make herself clear.

“Mommy!”

“I’m not arguing about this. Let’s go.” The words were almost a shout, which she hadn’t meant, but they got her point across. With a fearful look, Brandon scooted off of the chair and bolted to front door. While he slid his shoes on, Stef picked up his backpack and slung it over her shoulder.

“Can I go say bye to Grampa?” Brandon asked. Stef shook her head, her jaw tightening at the thought of seeing her dad again.

“Why?” Brandon slipped back into a whine, confused about being denied something that was normally expected of him. Stef wavered for just a moment, shifting her weight between her feet and chewing on the inside of her lip.

“Grandpa’s not feeling well.”

“But—”

Stef shrugged and looked down at her shuffling feet. Guilt crept up her spine. Lately, he was so much more the man she remembered. He was so different when he was sober and she recognized this person. The one who was kind and funny. The one she had built a family and a life with, who she had tried so hard to convince herself she could love.

“I don’t– it’s… it’s nothing. Just one of those days, y'know?”

“Sure.” Mike looked at his watch. “Look, Stef, I’ve got some time before my shift starts. We could go get a cup of coffee, talk about it if you want.”

Stef licked her lips and swallowed as her guilt grew stronger. She tried to smile but it just pulled tight at the corners, uncomfortable and awkward.

“Thanks, Mike. Not today but uh, maybe a raincheck?”

“Sure, okay.” Mike nodded. He searched her face and Stef was reminded that, even with all that had gone on between them, Mike still knew her better than almost anyone. “Take care of yourself, Stef.”

A small smile tilted her mouth to the side.

“You, too, Mike.”

Mike kissed her cheek for the second time that morning and she walked to her car wondering how she could bring herself to hurt this man who, after everything, still loved her.

The hours at home alone dragged on and Stef was grateful kindergarteners only went for half days. How many times since her son was born had she wished for him to be in school so she could have some peace and quiet and some time to feel like herself? Of course, that was before the separation. She had more than enough time to herself now that Brandon was regularly at Mike’s. Now she cherished all of their time together and didn’t want to lose even a second of it. Just like when he was at Mike’s, the house was too quiet without him and all it did was give her mind time to run in endless circles.

She was wracked with guilt about Mike and the hurt she was going to cause him. And Brandon. She hated that no matter what problems she and Mike had, she was always going to be the reason her son’s family was broken up. But spending the morning together like the happy little family she wanted them to be hadn’t been enough to convince her. In fact, it had done just the opposite. Seeing Lena for just a moment had made her feel more than she had ever felt in all her years with Mike. Now that she understood why, she knew that Lena was right. She couldn’t go back. No matter the consequences, with Lena or without, forward was her only choice.

Stef left the house to pick up Brandon as early as she reasonably could and was waiting with a dozen other eager parents outside the classroom. When he walked through the door with his backpack hooked over his shoulders and a smile plastered on his face, she bent down and caught him as he flung himself into her arms. The smile on her face was as big and full of joy as his.

“Ooh, my baby!” She squeezed him until he grunted then released him only to kiss his cheek over and over. “I missed you so much!”

“I missed you, too, Mommy.”

Stef gave him one more quick hug before standing back up and offering her hand to him.

“Are you ready to go home?”

“Do I get to come back tomorrow?”

“You do!” she said with a chuckle. “In fact, you get to come back every day until Saturday!”

“Okay! I’m ready!” Brandon beamed up at her.

“Alright then. Let’s head out to the car and you can tell me all about your first day of school.” Brandon took hold of her hand and they headed down the hall.

Brandon chattered non-stop about his day all the way to the car. He was deep into a story about a boy who got hurt during recess as Stef got him buckled into his booster seat and she listened with intent. She wasn’t sure she had ever heard him talk this much for this long before. Her heart was soaring by the time she got in the car and they were on their way home.

“It sounds like you had a really great first day of school! What was your very favorite part?”

Without hesitation Brandon said, “When I saw Lena.”

Stef’s head snapped up toward the rearview mirror.

“What did you say?” Just the mention of Lena’s name had her heart beating faster.

“Sorry, I mean, um, Miss Adams?” he said, his face scrunching with confusion.

“No, baby, I didn’t mean…” Stef shook her head, impatient to get more out of her son. “You saw Lena at school today?”

“Uh huh,” Brandon confirmed, nodding his head and grinning.

“What, uh… When did you see her?”

“At recess! I asked if she was having recess, too, but she said no. She said she just came to say hi to me.”

“Oh. That was very nice of her,” Stef said, trying to keep her tone neutral despite the pounding in her chest. “Did she, um, say anything else?”

“She wanted to know if I was having fun at school. I said yes because I got to do art. She said she loves art.”

“Art certainly is a lot of fun. Anything else?” she prompted again.

“She said if I ever need help at school to tell her. Do you think she will help me write my ABCs? Mrs. Atkins had us do five letters and it was so hard!”

“I think she probably means if you get lost in the hall or something happens that upsets you,” Stef said, a hint of laughter coloring her words. “That was a very nice thing for her to offer.” She felt a twinge in her chest, grateful that Lena would look out for her son that way. “Was that it? Was that all she said?” Stef felt a little uncomfortable grilling her five-year-old for info but she was desperate to get everything about Lena she could out of him.

Brandon looked down at his lap, a crease forming between his eyebrows.

“What is it, love?”

“Um…” Brandon picked at the hem of his shorts. “She said another thing but…” he trailed off and glanced up toward the front seat.

“Brandon?”

“Well, um, she told me not to tell you… But you said if a grown up ever tells me to keep a secret that I should tell you, right?” His face was contorted with confusion and Stef felt just as conflicted. She knew just as well as Brandon’s intuition did that Lena’s secret wasn’t one he needed to tell so making him tell her felt like an invasion of privacy. But she also knew consistency was important and she would rather Brandon overshare now than under-share in different circumstances. Never mind that she was desperate to know what Lena had said.

“That’s right,” she said after a moment, ignoring the inkling of guilt already nagging at her. Brandon stayed quiet, his eyes drifting up toward the rearview mirror. Stef smiled at him. “It’s okay, love. Lena’s not gonna be mad at you for telling me. I promise.”

When Brandon spoke again, his words came slowly.

“Um… First I said, ’When are you gonna come over again?’ and she said, ‘I’m not sure.’”

“Mhmm,” Stef encouraged when he paused.

“Then I said, ‘I miss you,’ and she said, ‘I miss you, too.’” Brandon stopped and looked down again.

Stef looked back at him, confused.

“Was that… Was that it?”

Brandon shook his head.

“What, baby?”

Brandon took a deep breath, then continued. “Then I said, ‘Mommy misses you, too’ and she said, ‘I miss her, too,’ and that’s the part I wasn’t s’posed to tell you.”

“It’s okay, bud. You did the right thing, okay?” Even as she soothed her son’s worries, Stef couldn’t ignore the way her in stomach danced. Lena missed her!

“How come she said not to tell you?”

“Uh, well, sweetie, I think she just probably, y’know, didn’t want me to feel bad.”

“Are you guys in a fight?”

“Wh– uh, what? No, we’re not– Why would you ask that?”

“Because Lena doesn’t come over anymore. You and Daddy used to be in fights a lot and now Daddy doesn’t live with us anymore.”

Stef sighed to herself. How had her little boy ended up with so many grown-up worries? She wanted nothing more than to uncomplicate his life but it seemed the adults in his world, herself most of all, were making that impossible. Part of her wanted to be angry at Lena for putting Brandon in the middle. It seemed so unlike her. She had always been so good with Brandon, so conscious of what she said and how she said it. It was so unlike her to tell him something like that and expect him to keep it a secret. In fact, the more she thought about it, the more Stef started to wonder… Was it possible that Lena had wanted him to tell her? Was she banking on his honest nature to make sure Stef knew? It seemed impossible and yet… Her heart started to skip.

“No, baby, Lena and I aren’t in a fight.” She didn’t make it a habit of lying outright to her son but maybe… Maybe it didn’t have to be a lie. Not if…

“Then how come she never comes over anymore?”

“We’ve just… Well, we’ve been busy, I guess.” Stef glanced back at him in the mirror. “You miss her a lot, huh, bud?”

“Uh huh.” He nodded for emphasis.

“Me, too.” She tapped her thumb against the steering wheel, her mind racing. “How would you feel about seeing her more often?”

“That would be awesome! Lena’s the best!”

A slow grin spread across Stef’s face.

“Yes, she is,” she said quietly.

There was a voice telling her to shut up, that she shouldn’t even be entertaining any ideas right now because Lena had told her it was over. But she couldn’t hear that voice over the chorus of possibilities that were running through her mind. Now she was convinced that Lena had been watching her that morning. What if it didn’t have to be over? What if that wasn’t what Lena wanted? If Lena really wanted the clean break she said she did, why would she seek Brandon out to check on him at school, to make sure he was okay on his first day? Why would she tell him that she misses not just him but Stef, too. Obviously, she still cared about him. About them. And they both loved her.

Adrenaline surged through Stef as she pushed away any nagging doubts and grabbed back on to the last shred of hope she had thought was long gone.

“I have a couple of things I have to do first and I have to talk to Lena but… I’m going to do everything I can to make sure we get to see Lena a lot more.”