#jqtthoughts

I’m starting to fall back into that dark place again where I feel so alone and at any moment I’ll just end it all.

Today, I had a great night of sleep, woke up next to her, and had my day planned out. I wanted to get things done before the deadline because that is just how I am as a person and want to get things done early so that I don’t stress over it. That being said because if I get stressed out and then I start to over think and cause more stress so to combat that I do anything to avoid it.

I’m also thinking about therapy again because I feel like at this point I’m to scared to reach out to anyone and even talking to my gf she makes me feel like shit... I just honestly feel like I don’t have anyone to talk to and give me solid advice on how to figure out this situation i’m in.

The gf. She is amazing, caring, and loving. I just feel like that she just doesn’t seem to let me do things that I want to do and is always, and i mean ALWAYS has to say something about me doing something and everything. idk if that is a red flag to leave or not. So also makes me feel like shit whenever I want to hangout with my friends online or play games. I guess I don’t have my own time anymore.

So, yesterday (Wednesday - Dec 25, 2019) my ex from Texas were together with a group of friends and we were all hanging out with each other and playing board games. I didn’t know she was gonna be hanging out with us at all so when I walked in to my friend’s house she was already there chilling with everyone and It kinda threw me off. So I said hi to everyone including her and she didn’t even reply to me and idk it kinda hurt me. Idk know why it did either because we broke up back in 2017 and she has a boyfriend now. Me, being the over thinker I started to think that she still hated me and stuff but I didn’t wanna kill the vibe so I kinda put on a face to make sure I didn’t kill the vibe. Honestly my thoughts where running all over the place and I kept saying in my head that I fucked up with her and she was the one that got away. Like hanging out with her it felt like old times before we broke up and I remembered how happy I was with her and how much fun we always had together. It’s kinda sad. Idk if I’m missing the fact that I was happy with her or I’m missing the fact of being HAPPY with her. Idk. I also asked her yesterday to see if we can meet somewhere and talk about some stuff. 

(Thurs- Dec 26,2019)  Then she agreed to talk today and we literally talk earlier. I completely said everything that I’ve had built up over the past couple of years while even being with the other girl which is sad. I told her that I was completely trash of a person towards the end of our 5y relationship but and kept saying sorry to her because of how I was. We started to catch on life and talking about our lives after the break up she started to tear up. At then end of talking we both agreed that it was probably best for us to have this talk to have the closure.   

These were just small things i wanted to talk to you about... 

Sorry for being such a dick and hopeless trash

How I was towards the end of the relationship

I was stupid af with you

DMT was a mistake but I learned from it

Karma got me back (Divorce)

I’m happy for you

——Maybe say stuff ——

I honestly haven’t stopped thinking about you since we broke up

I had dreams of ya hanging out and eating dinner with the fams

I was stupid for leaving you and thinking that there was someone better for me

When we DMT got together I even call her your name a lot.