#jqtplusdrt

Why is it whenever I think that I’m getting better I always relapse and my thoughts just take over me completely. I’m gonna be honest with you, just imagine you yelling at me triggered so many painful and horrific memories of when we first started talking about the divorce. The lawyer sent me the email stating that we need to correct everything and us having to expedite everything with the little time that we had... but all I could do even when it wasn’t my fault was just to keep saying “I'm sorry” to you repeatedly because I’m so fucking scared of you. Like why does it have to be like that? Why am I so fucking scared of you? Why did this have to happen to me? Like DRT, seeing your signature on those papers was bittersweet feeling honestly. I just wanna be happy again! I really just wanna be happy again. 

The only thoughts that were running through my mind were... 

“Why? Why couldn’t it be someone else? Why me?” 

“I’m not good enough that's why no one loves me.” 

“I’m not ready, I’m not ready” 

To me, myself, and I DRT

I don’t even know what is really going on right now. My mind is constantly trying to avoid the feeling that you’ve left me with. You left me in such a dark and terrible place, you promised me to many things together, you promised that you’d be there for me through everything, you said you’d be there for our future kids, you said you’d grow old with me and have a nice little house somewhere and grow old together. All of that meant nothing to you because all you wanted to do was have fun and leave me. I really still miss you to this day. There isn’t a single day where I’m not thinking about you and wishing that you’d make the move to reach out to me. My pride and everything I’ve learned to this point are, that I can’t keep hanging on to someone who has hurt you so much and I shouldn’t ever reach out to you... DRT, I gave you my last name thinking you’d be mine forever and pass those names that we thought of together for our future kids. I’m sorry Sophia and Zadel that you’ll just forever be just a figment of imagination for me. I had so much hope and plans for us when DRT and I planned to have you guys. I think I will have to actually start today to start making moves to move forward away from the thought of us ever happening again. Dec 4, 2019... I’m closing our chapter in my mind and will finally be making advances forward away from us. One last time DRT, I love you.  Sincerely,