#jpe.p

backslides and makes mistakes and breaks my ankles in holes i didnt see, stumbles down cliffs, gets consumed by the ocean that is the pit of my soul that pressurizes me until i am nothing but an open wound inside a wound inside one big scar

watches as nothing but sheer impulse grabs hold of me, iron clad grip, and then try to convince myself those few seconds dont define me for the rest of my life

i want to take up your time in hopes that the labor of love will get me through anything

i want to be around but only if you want me to be

the moment i feel unwanted i am simply not there

i am on my way out the door

i am the worst friend

i want to hear your thoughts, every single one of them

but when i hear the truth between the lines, about what you think of me, i remember

i repeat it to myself over and over when i find myself alone

rubbing salt i made from your sea water into my wounds

i am the worst friend

i will drop every hideous thing that has ever occured in my life on you

ill grimace when there is nothing to say

only the doubts or if im even all there

and i will run away

again

and again

and again

i am the worst friend

because even when you say im not

i dont believe it

because im not your first pick

maybe not even the top three

of people you'd choose to be alone with

i am a choice when there aren't any others

when im not: i am here, and you are over there

they haunt you during the glow of the sun

i keep asking myself

am i real am i here or am i a phantom of my own making