#joylog

Goodness, things have been ROUGH! I did not get to go to any social outings the last few days. I've had an AWFUL cold and have been stuck in bed basically since my last post! Plus a bunch of new administrative work, job applications, doctor billing, government hooplah... woof, it has not been easy. I've been getting easily overwhelmed and discouraged.

Today, though, was fantastic. I'm so happy with how today has gone. Didn't have the best start, but I went outside today and got coffee! A frappe, actually, but it counts for this hahaha. I've been hand making cute coffees at home and that's making me smile, but this was a real treat.

Then while I was out I thought, "Hmm, I want to do something nice for S.". So I walked to a crepe shop (about 20 min walk) and got her favorite, then went to her work (another 20 minutes...) to surprise her. She saw me from the window and ran out for a hug before I could even get inside! I thought I would just drop it off and leave her to work, but she took her lunch break so we could chat while she ate. I think my suprise visit really, really made her happy. Tomorrow is our 5-year friend anniversary! I'm so lucky to have her in my life.

After that I didn't quite want to go home yet. The weather was nice, I was feeling okay and hadn't been out of the house in days (a week? maybe less...?), so I went to this small izakaya (another...20 minute walk...). I like it there because the food is cheap, the owner recognizes me, and he will take my order and kind of just vanish. I have really great memories there. And, get this -- I had a BEER. It's been amost a year since I could stomach alcohol without severe pain or sickness. I've missed it soooo so so much. I got a light beer and that first sip almost made me cry. (It wouldn't be the first time I cried there. The first time I could eat seasoned food after falling ill was there, and I definitely teared up in joy).

So I sat and rested, texted with some friends and watched FuwaMoco stream, and just slowly enjoyed some cheap food and a beer. It was so good. I don't even particularly love light beer, but when you haven't had the luxury of it in a year... And so far, my stomach is mostly okay! A few pangs, but we will see how it goes. I'll try not to push it too much. (Update after writing: very persistant pangs, ow, please wish me luck.)

Then I went home via Uber, because it was far and dark out, and saw that my package had arrived. I ordered ring resizers because my finger is WEIRD and my engagement ring cannot be fit properly. My fiance had actually picked it up this morning before I was awake and, nope, still wouldn't fit right. So I spent a while getting it fit better and it's a lot more comfortable. That motivated me to clean my room more. You can see like 95% of the desk now!!! And a lot more of the floor. It was just a little, but it's better than nothing.

So despite last week not going so well, today was overall good. Tomorrow S. and I are actualy going back to the izakaya together to celebrate our 5-year friend-iversary. It is so tempting to say I'll have a drink again, but I know I have to take it slow!

I should start with yesterday first. My friend S. needed to stay over at my apartment suddenly because of construction in her building. I love her to the moon and back, so I made some things guest-ready and washed bedding. Earlier in the day I was doing chores but was super scatterbrained. I guess I was exhausted, because I didn't even boil water right... it was scary. I think maybe before that my fiance and I went out for an errand, and I had a phone call too...? That may have been the day before. It's hard to remember.

But after my friend came, I was able to make rice and orange chicken. We chatted and played Osu! together for a while. I also made coffee with that fluffed up airated milk! I just pumped it with my french press a ton haha. It was really nice having that aesthetic to my coffee, almost like a cafe latte. Next up is making some sort of drizzle to go on it! Maybe a caramel syrup? I also got some admin work done and sent out important emails. After my friend went to bed, I played Persona 4 and watched some anime until it was time to sleep.

Today was pretty good. I woke up super early (basically the middle of the night for me, since I sleep ~5am - 12:30pm) to make sure my friend was awake and ready for her interview. She said it went well! Then I went back to sleep and slept REALLY well. I don't think I had any nightmares at all! When I got up I reheated that orange chicken and made coffee again, and put the extra in a ice tray so I can chill my coffee without diluting it.

A neighbor dropped off some flower paintings, and they are way bigger than I anticipated! But I have an idea of where to hang them. I cleaned all the dishes (I left all the ones last night since my friend was over, but it gets a bit easier each day) and then spent about an hour and a half cleaning my room. Still have a LONG way to go, but you can see most of the desk surface now! My fiance got us ice cream so I had chocolate ice cream. It did make my stomach hurt a bit, though. I should go gentler on the food the rest of the week since I've been kind of pushing it lately.

The rest of today, I've been trying to relax and take it easy. I finished the anime I started yesterday and am going to watch more Black Clover tonight (on episode 30 now). I'll try to focus on hydrating. I have a super cute Hololive cup with a straw, so that should help. Straws help a lot. Mochi was super, SUPER cuddly earlier, but now she is a bit rude.

So to sum up SOME of the things I'm grateful for and enjoyed the last two days:

My best friend, S., and getting to spend time with her

Cute coffee at home, because it is cheaper and makes it feel like I'm able to go outside more than I actually can

Being able to cook for myself

Being able to do admin work, chores, AND socialize all in one day (yesterday)

The energy and ability to clean today

Chocolate ice cream, and my fiance who went to get it for us <3

A nice neighbor who gave me (expensive) flower paintings for free

Cute items in my house -- little pink rice cooker, hololive cup, pink toaster, cute hand towels, etc.

My sweet kitty actually wanting hugs and pets while purring <3

Toay was up and down. I guess I'm still recovering from pushing too hard a couple days ago. I had a bagel and coffee for breakfast, but one of them had my stomach in cramps. I think it was the cream cheese. I sipped the coffee through the day and had to keep reheating it.

I got some administrative work done! There is so much to do, and I've been totally frozen in place even thinking about it. But I sent out some emails, did some resume-related things, and went through some important steps for unemployment. Apparently I missed one last week... So I'll have to be SUPER diligent about that. The point, though, is that I got a lot done! I was super focused!

Then my fiance came home and was on the phone with his mom, and they tried to get me in conversation. I love them both, but it was too much for my brain since I was already using all my energy to get work done. I got overwhelmed and couldn't do anything the rest of the day. I couldn't talk, focus, or even handle any sound or light :( I had just run the dishwasher, though, so I had to endure that noise. I spent most of the rest of the day under a blanket in the dark to try and calm down.

Eventually I did, thankfully, and I'm feeling better enough to look at a screen. I played some WuWa (it has been forever!) and ate some sweets, which didn't hurt at all.

Last night I wrote 474 words! Slowly, bit by bit, I am doing it again.

I'm so tired today. I have no energy and my mind is all fuzzy. I definitely overdid it yesterday... But I knew today would need to be a rest day. Thankfully I remembered to text my friend happy birthday. I have an awful headache, but managed to make and eat a sandwich. So far it isn't hurting my stomach, either. Thats a win! Coffee is too much work though... I might go back to bed.

I spent some time chatting with friends online. The chat gets pretty lively sometimes, so it took a lot out of me to keep up. But we had fun and they all said how much they loved me (umprompted, haha), and it made me smile.

Whew! Yesterday I was really sleepy and didn't make a post. I sent out some emails yesterday and did research on wedding planning. My fiance and I also went out to get his wedding band and we brought in my ring to be resized (again!). It was crazy hot out, and we walked about 30-40 minutes both there and back. But my good friend S. saw us walking from her bus and texted me, haha! And my fiance seemed to find a simple band he liked. I can't believe I managed to be outside so long, that's great.

As for today, I've done some things to be proud of! I made myself coffee again! Getting back into this habit is definitely going to be hit and miss, but today I did it. I also made and ate breakfast while on the phone with S. So that was coffee and food -- success! I love my friend so, so very much. I called her to ask if she had cocoa powder and then an hour and fourty five minutes had passed. I'm lucky to have her in my life, and I'm so grateful to be able to talk with her <3

Then I started on cleaning and oh my gosh....

I started with my room, which is way worse than "oh it's so messy!" It's been so bad that I sleep on the couch...for like two years. I'm not proud of that :( But that is my reality, and it's because I was working constantly the whole two years AND have struggles with it from one of my disabilities. But today I did some work in there. I brought in a trash bag and filled it up, and I hung up clothes that were laying around and in a hamper (clean clothes). Then I could put DIRTY clothes in the hamper. And get this -- I both washed AND DRIED some of those dirty clothes (they're defo staying in the dryer overnight though). That's super basic for most people, but it's a HUGE deal for me. So! SUCCESS!!

AND! Wow, I had such a high-energy-points day, because I cleaned the dishes. Thankfully there haven't been dishes stacked up lately because I've done a little here and there, but man there was an entire corner of the counter... water bottles and a cutting board and stuff like that. Sitting there. For months.... one of them maybe even a year at this point? They were rinsed or emptied but they've sat there so long that it's like a poster you stop noticing. But today I managed to get through those. Objectively it wasn't many physical items, but to me it was so daunting and exhausting. I had to sit down for a while afterward. Looking at the clear counter now, though... definitely a HUGE SUCCESS!!!!

The last thing was bringing a chair upstairs. It's been downstairs for a couple months instead of upstairs at the kitchen table. I'm really small and not strong at all, so I've just left it downstairs. But today I managed to get it up! Success! That definitely used the last of my energy points though. I've flopped onto the couch and will stay here.

Tomorrow will probably be a lay-down day while my body recovers. Maybe even the day after. I'll try to be kind to myself in the upcoming days, since I likely overdid it today ^_^; But I can look around my apartment and confidently say that I did things today. I'm really proud of myself. One day at a time, even if I can only do a little bit, my living space will be better. I hope to one day sleep in my bed again. For now I will just be satisified with what I've done, and the two cats that keep laying next to me <3

What a day! Before anything, I want to celebrate myself writing last night! 608 words. Part of me is thinking, "only that many? You used to do thousands." Another part of me is saying, "THAT IS MORE THAN YOU'VE DONE IN LIKE A YEAR, WOOHOO!" So I will call it a win!

Today was kind of a lot, but it was DEFINITELY a success. I agreed to go to a social outing with my fiance and his friends, because they wanted to meet me. I thought it was a 15 minute train ride away, but NO! It was a 15 minute train ride to meet them, then waiting for a bus, then taking the bus thirty minutes (!!) to a restaurant. It was also a much larger group than I expected -- ten people! Not 3 or 4. And none of them called ahead for a reservation. So I was super stressed and overwhelmed. I have sensory issues and forgot to bring my headphones ("it's only a short train ride, I can manage it," I thought, like a fool) but thankfully my fiance had his and I could use them on the bus. But I didn't think to bring or take my anxiety medication either!! Super super super stressful.

But somehow I got through it without any social faux pas or generally awkward moments. Full mask on, really, but I held it steady for like 3 hours. Then my fiance and I went to get cake on the way home <3 He said I did really well in the social setting. THAT is a HUGE win. I also got dressed up and even did some makeup. For a lot of people that's standard, but it takes a lot of effort for me. But!!! I did it.

Today Mochi has been very demanding. Super cuddly (even purring in my arms!) and following me everywhere. I guess she got tired of ignoring me like yesterday. Matcha is the one ignoring me today, but when she wants attention she comes right up and sits on me haha.

Hoping the rest of the night goes okay. I'll try to get an email out. I don't know what mental block is stopping me, but I've had to send out this email for weeks.... oof.

I DID shower! I washed my hair and everything, which is a whole hassle! Haven't managed to brush my teeth yet, but that could still happen! The sadboi hours were really getting their grip on my brain, so thankfully the shower helped with that.

Tonight I also played some rhythm games (LEZ and Pulsus). Keyboard rhthym games are so much harder than mobile and arcade ones, so that was a little frustrating. But still fun. I'll probably play pulsus a few more times in the future.

Today it's felt like I've gotten nothing done, but I actually have done things!

Emptied the dishwasher

Put in dirty dishes

Made food for myself

Opened and washed new french press (it's been months since I bought it!! So it is finally done!!)

Changed the overfull trash bag to a fresh one

Wiped down the counters

Made this blog!

Most of it was within the same hour, but it is better than nothing! I had Black Clover playing while I did it, so I may need to go back and rewatch those episodes. I'm on episode 27 now!

Another cute thing that happened today: Matcha (my cat) has been super clingy. So cuddly, following me around and purring. Mochi has been more standoffish today, but she has come up to me once or twice. Mostly she just seems sleepy on the couch. I want to hug her so bad, but I should respect her autonomy... not like she respects mine, though, around mealtime :/. But she is fluffy and cute and sweet, so she can get away with it.