#journaluserambless

OH MY GOD THERE'S SO MUCH TO SAY

WE FINALLY LEARN HIS NAME!! Dr. GRACE RYLAND!!

HE IS SO NERDY I LOVE HIMMM

the way he explains Astrophages is so easy to follow, his teacher skills is paying off

so now we finally talk about the plot: - His name is Grace Ryland. - He is happy as a Junior High Teacher - Eva Stratt comes over and recruits him - Grace Ryland is a microbiologist omg - He believes that life don't necessarily need water - He gets to be the first one to look into the sample taken from the Petrova line - THEY ARE ALIVEEEE and HE NAMED THEM ASTROPHAGES!! - A bit of Astrophages info: they are tiny lil creatures the same size as the Petrova line and they basically eat the energy output of the sun and use it as rocket propelers. adorable!! invasive, but adorable!! - back in the spaceship, our Emperor Comatose tries to measure the sunspots of the sun only to realize it's moving faster than what is common knowledge.

mfw he is in a different solar system.

ok i LOVED this chapter holy cow, the amount of media references in this book is amazing

Grace figures out what the Sun and Venus is to the Astrophages and figures out how to breed them.

His wild goose chase travel around the world is hilarious and his sudden importance to the aircraft is so fun to read!

i love his dynamic with Dimitri and Stratt was basically like a leader in a high school research project.

god i love this chapter. and i'm loving this book.

plot stuff: - Grace finally gets his hands on the Astrophages and NAMES THEM AFTER THE THREE STOOGES - He finally figures out that they react to Venus because of the planet's carbon dioxide frequencies (am i getting that right??) - Basically, Astrophages go to the sun to collect energy. Then go to Venus to reproduce. Child and parent return to sun to collect energy and then the process repeats. - They also just do this until the sun dims for 10% less its original energy. But Earth cannot live with the sun's energy that low. - We also find out that Astrophages can't go beyond 8 light years away (possible foreshadowing??) - There is a star cluster that is in reach of the phages but remains healthy. Why? That's where Project Hail Mary comes in (the title!) - Grace is in charge of making a breeding ground for the phages and he is now officially stuck in the aircraft instead of Stratt's lab. amazing.

If ya ask me, episode 4 of The Amazing Digital Circus makes quite an accurate (but not perfect) demonstration of what Bipolar Disorder looks like. It's not the matter of "can't choose" or "too moody all the time". It's more than that. Just watch the episode and see for yourself.

The character's name who suffered this unfortunate disorder is Gangle, who is portrayed as a female humanoid ribbon who wears a fragile comedy mask in the beginning of the show that breaks before or during their usual adventures, and the gag is that she always ends up being sad because her mask keeps breaking.

But episode 4 was different. Her comedy mask broke too early, and Zooble instead gave her a substitute happy mask that won't break and might help giving her some form of happiness. Once she puts it on though, she says she feels "normal." Which usually signals the start of a manic episode.

Cue the adventure where they work a minimum wage, and a dead end job. Gangle is the shift manager and she is having a big manic episode. She moves left and right- a bright smile on her face that she can't seem to remove. I mean, why would she remove it right? She's happy. And everyone should be happy.

But then... pressure. Jax told her that he liked her better when sad. Ragatha, in an inebriated state, even told her that she liked Gangle better without the happy mask. It hurts her to know that people don't like her when she is feeling great. So she shuts down immediately, feeling discouraged with her manager work and hiding her face from everyone when she gets the chance.

That was, until, she faces Pomni, the main character of the show. Pomni tries to talk it out with someone, or maybe her herself. But Gangle takes none of it. She believes that no one in the circus likes her and even if they do try to act nice... their smile don't always feel genuine.

And thus, ending her manic episode completely. Try re-reading my previous paragraphs and identify which part of the story she starts having a depressive episode. Because at this point, Gangle locks herself in her office. A frown glued to her happy mask despite the name it has. And right when she walks down that kitchen, her world starts to blur as if one single conclusion starts to form inside her mind- and then Pomni intervenes.

She offers to take the closing shift and advises Gangle to go home early. Hesitant, Gangle still takes it. And with the extra time she has... Gangle takes off her mask... and throws it away.

I advise you to watch the episode and go to timestamp 19:35 - 20:30. It's a wonderful sequence.

So... post-adventure. Gangle isolates herself and blames everything that went wrong all on herself. Zooble tries to comfort her, of which she succeeds- But let's take a sec to hear what Gangle tells her first: "I messed everything up. The mask didn't work. And now, I don't think anybody wants to talk to me anymore."

Bipolar Disorder is a mood disorder where an individual enters a "manic state" and they undergo erratic behavior partaking in impulsive thought or risky activities. And when an individual leaves this state... well, kind of imagine it as feeling an entire ocean dropped on you. Or feeling like you're in front of a live audience with no script.

You cringe at yourself, further delving more into a sea of self-loathing and regret. Realizing all of your wrongs and mistakes and how much it hurts the people around you. Take a moment to think about it. You hurt people that you're close with. How dare you.

Those are what you would think of if you have Bipolar Disorder. But, please take note that it is indeed a disorder which means it can be interpreted as something else and you also could be misdiagnosing yourself if you're using this essay as means to self-diagnose so please talk to a professional for that. This essay only uses one example of a manic episode and to see it holistically, make your own research.

first of all, i need y'all to look down on your keyboards and stare at the numbers.

see the number 1? cool. now, look at number 8.

see how far apart the both of them are? try dragging your fingers around the keys or screen of whatever it is you're using. feel the distance.

you guys, it's been two years. that gap between 1 and 8 is astounding.

WE HAVE CONTACT. AN ALIEN SHIP HAS LANDED ON THE HAIL MARY

gosh, where do i even start.

turns out Grace and the crew was supposed to be in a coma in the first place. and it was the better choice too. either have them murder each other or themselves or just make them go eepy for four years.

Grace has a fear of heights. same. I can't imagine the sensation of falling for multiple minutes, much less an HOUR.

there's also this thing called the Petrovascope. It allows you to see a Petrova line. And now that the ship has stopped accelerating, Tau Centi is confirmed to have a Petrova line :D

but before he could see which planet has the perfect carbon dioxide wavelength, something latches onto the ship. uh oh.

plot stuff: - more stuff for the Hail Mary ship, we have a Petrovascope to see a Petrova line but you can only use it when the ship stops moving... in a few days. a numbered one. - Grace finds out he's been in a coma for potentially months, even years. 4 digits for days. 3 years minimum. - The chapter's only flashback reveals that it was either keeping the crew awake the entire 4 years and risk them murdering each other or themselves, OR put them in a coma and hope for the best. - Only a few select people can be put into a coma and Not Die(tm). We can assume that Grace is one of those people and ended up in the Hail Mary and his two other crewmates probably had complications hence their deaths. - Days later, the ship stops and Grace experiences the sensation of falling. Very relatable events. - He uses the Petrovascope and, finally, TAU CENTI HAS A THIN RED LINE!! - But he also finds something else. Something unrelated to his mission. It's latched onto the ship. Oh no.

Like, I can feel the mystery and imposing aura like creatures in the night waiting for the right time to pounce on me in the middle of the forest in the song, "The Rhumba of Death", or the amount of relief and the feel of accomplishment on both "Under a Technicolor Sky" and "Under a Monochromatic Sky" is, like you can tell everyone feels so relieved that an entire day's work is done and the fact that you can feel the sense of nature within it is so well-done! I love this series so much as well as its music. And plot wise? My favorite is absolutely "When Somebody Needs You". I need a guitar cover for it--if not, I'LL BE THE ONE WHO'LL BE MAKING IT!

Anyway, Will Wood being my favorite artist and also being the music producer to my favorite medium which is Audio Drama under my favorite genre (horror/comedy) is such a jackpot for me that I loved every single minute of this show.

I might try to make a guitar cover of When Somebody Needs You, but I'm not sure if I can since I'm five months into learning guitar and that my final exams are a few days away so I might even forget that I'm trying to make a guitar cover. Just remind me in five days in order for me to start lol.

I've forgotten what age I was in at the time but I remembered it was when I was getting old enough to actually remember stuff. And that was the only good thing going for me back then. Why? I was gaining the ability of memory! The downside? I was in the middle of a two-week fever.

It's not surprising that I'm a weak 'lil human when I used to be sick for two weeks straight as a child. And surprisingly, not much fever dreams as well. So what was the earliest thing my feeble mind was able to remember during my fever escapade?

I was hallucinating my sister's stickers were moving. Not kidding. I don't know when she started putting those stickers but I know it meant a lot to her when she put those things on her drawers. She may be a moody person who shoots everyone a glare back in the day but I swear the moment she customizes something, she will get attached to them.

So imagine the dread she felt when our mom told her to remove them because her little brother started hallucinating in his fever about her stickers. I have no idea why it came to be, but I vividly remember the details of how it went.

The night prior of the hallucinations, I had a dream. It wasn't the type of dream where you were walking around and interacting with stuff inside. No, this was more of a documentary style of dream. Everyone and everything was being narrated to me like a conveyor belt full of colors and dialogue that my child mind cannot understand. I know they're speaking English but I don't understand a single word maybe except for "hello" and "look over there". I was getting used to the chaos but something was wrong. My dreams felt like it was doing its best to replicate my favourite cartoon shows but it kept failing. When was the last time I was successful to stand up and watch TV downstairs...? A week ago? My mind tried its best to remember and give me the happiest memories, but all it did was invite me to the cold downward terror known as the Uncanny Valley.

The worst part of the nightmare was that my dreams decided to make Hello Kitty to be the mascot of my terror. I don't even know what gender Hello Kitty is but I'm gonna assume that this fictional 2D character without a mouth is a female cat. Note how I said she doesn't have a mouth. Because if I recalled correctly, she doesn't talk much? Even if she did, I do not remember how she had any trace of talking using her mouth.

My dreams interpreted her talking to me with a human mouth. Some cartoon shows use this visual trick as a funny gag but never Hello Kitty. When she started to talking to me, a human mouth gaped right down below her nose and smiled at me with human teeth that mirrored mine when I look at my reflection. How does a child react when a cartoon character he never liked smiled at him with his exact lips and teeth?

He, of course, wakes up with a cold start. I looked around the room that day. The year was 2012, I think because of how large those four numbers were on the calendar in front of me. And when I saw those Hello Kitty stickers on my sister's cabinet door, I stared those down with a thousand yard stare like a man would stare down a cliff to see what goes under. But the abyss stared back at me and those stickers started to dance.

Those stickers moved ever so slightly like how the air danced around a flame. They moved like those wind powered mascots in car dealerships and I could see the slight smile they have on their faces. Those smiles weren't cartoon smiles. They were my smiles. My portion of my face embedded onto those animated characters.

The moment my mom walked into the room, I told her immediately: "Why are those Hello Kitties dancing?"

sorry for the late post y'all, was busy i had to compile these two chapters together cuz chapter 7 ended on a cliffhanger >:C

anyway- THE ALIENS WANTS TO MEET OUR DOCTOR

I found Chapter 8 cute cuz it featured Ryland going "first time?" to a fellow researcher.

also Eridians :D Ryland's way of giving things a name will a cherry on top.

we also have to talk about their cute way of communication here too. cuz wdym the large alien ship basically sent Ryland a replica of the star system with their solar system highlighted like "we're from here :D" THEY ARE SO CUTE OH MY GODDDD

plot stuff under the fold