i took an extended leave. it isn't something i would usually do - considering how i have an extreme case of FOMO - especially when it comes to classes and work. it's not that i don't think i could catch up (i definitely could), it's just that i hate not being present, not being 10/10 with everything?
did i make the right decision? i find myself thinking. the variables that come to my head is other people's reaction to my little extended holiday. and also the fact that i would be associated with one of my other friends who has done the same thing (and i would rather not be associated with her because i am not like her).
when did i become this work obsessed little monster? i take a leave (a decision that was reckless, i'll admit) and i think of how other people would react to it first, and what consequences it would hold and then i think about whether it was worth it at all.
my friend recently told me that he couldn't imagine me as a person who loved life at all, as someone who could be optimistic about things. it sounds cruel, but he mentioned it as an offhand comment like it was something i would already know and that is what hurt more. knowing him, i know that it was probably a challenge for me to disagree to it - to tell him it wasn't true or acknowledge how cynical i'd become.
i hate people who move in slow-motion, but i think i should learn how to do it more. i should also probably stop viewing all my friendships as a chess match, as something with ulterior motive.
idk. i just realized i dont like the person i am anymore (which is surreal because i am not insecure i am so self assured of myself) but i took a wrong turn somewhere. maybe its time for some introspection.