#journal .

              today i saw a tree sway in the wind ,  and for a minute i thought it was you .  and maybe it was ,  somehow .  was that you there --  caught in the boughs and the branches ,  waving goodbye to me one last time ?  i hate to think about that .  come back soon then ,  if the winds are carrying you now like they carried me .  come back to the tree outside our window and wave to me from time to time .

6 days clean .

              i have been quiet all my life .  i think it is about time i consider my rage ,  and begin to scream .

              i am a bird in flight ,  and you are a net that has ensnared me .  and ,  you see ,  while others may be angry --  i cannot help but sing as you pull me into your hands .  for i think my wings have been broken for years ,  and i have been at the mercy of the winds ,  and only the winds .  no other has ever been able to drag me down ,  to give me stability ,  until you .  why is that ?  you must be a special kind of net ,  made for catching birds like me .  that’s why each time i can ,  i lay kisses on your skin as thanks .  i am so tired of flight ,  i just want to rest in your arms now .  thank you for loving me .

a day will come ,  and i will lay myself in the dirt beside you .  a willingness overcoming me to decay --  to decompose  .  i will dig myself into the dirt and the moss ,  wrap my skin with lichen and press my lips to the tree roots .  after all ,  you won’t be there to pull me out then ,  will you ?  no ,  i am laying myself in the earth to be beside you ,  to feel the grass sprout in our joints and the flowers bloom between our ribs --  together  .   we will become a harbinger of life ,  a home ,  a provider  .  does death scare you ,  my love ?  it shouldn’t .  i’ve died before ,  and i’ll be there beside you even in the dark .  before you go i’ll ask you to plant a seed in my heart ,  to wrap your roots around me --  anywhere you can reach .  hold as tightly as you will ,  even in death you’ll keep me here ,  my mighty oak tree .  even if you are uprooted and you fall ,  i will still linger in the bark and the overturned soil of your life .  even if you rot ,  i will still make a home within the decay .

                  a grim reaper stood outside our door today with your name in it’s mouth .  i shut the door and locked it .  i was playing a game with myself ,  that if by locking the door i could deny the existence of death itself .  that if by keeping it out i could protect you ,  wherever you are .  wherever you were ?  i’m in a fog ,  nothing makes sense .  i won’t allow what i think to be true .  death and permanence ,  life and mortality ,  a never-ending cycle ,  spinning -  spinning -  spinning ,  a god disproving the existence of god ,  worlds on fire and worlds collapsing in tandem though they are galaxies apart . you’ve left ,  and i feel like dying .  i’m losing my mind without you already .  please come back . we’re two sparrows chasing each other around the trunk of a willow ,  ever out of site ,  ever prevailed by the mere thought of the other’s existence .  i think that’s why i’m afraid to stop this meaningless flight now --  because what happens if i stop ?  you won’t be there ,  behind me .