familiar feelings đđââË
summary â tensions are high in yours and spencer's apartment as you argue again and he finds comfort in the team, more specifically someone on the team you've voiced your insecurities about to him before.
genre â a lotttt of angst ( iâm sorry )
cw â reader is insecure, jj is kind of not great in this ( love her tho ) , arguments , reader gets hearing aids , spencer is drinking and gets a little tipsy , spencer talks about prison + mexico very briefly, reader is kinda mean to spencer, theyâre lowkey toxic in this oops, implied intimacy
previous part â next part
Spencer wasnât exactly sure how he ended up in a bar.
Thatâs a lie. He knows exactly how.
Youâd finally got your hearing aids fitted earlier in the week. After your semi-breakdown in the bathroom, things had slowly gotten better between you and Spencer. Not great, but better. Youâd started to use sign language more and had even met up for coffee with Tara once.
It finally felt like youâd started to get used to your new reality.
Until you got your hearing aids.
They were uncomfortable, itchy and you hated them. Hearing Spencerâs voice for the first time in weeks made it better, but only for a moment. Then the happiness of it all wore off and you were left falling back into the depression you were in before.
This particular argument broke out between the two of you after Spencer got home from work.
Heâd been cleared to work and the mandatory six weeks the team were ordered to have off came to an end. Youâd had a meeting with Emily earlier that day, to which she decided you werenât in a good mental state to return to work.
âHey, baby,â Spencer greeted you, hanging his suit jacket up. âHow was your meeting?â
When you didnât reply, Spencer looked to you. Your back was to him in the kitchen. When Spencer looked down at the kitchen island, he couldnât hide his annoyance.
He stomped over to you, making sure to walk with power to let you know he was there. You turned to face him and smiled.
Spencer ignored your sign and picked up your discarded hearing aids off the kitchen side.
Why arenât you wearing them?
You sighed. This had been an ongoing topic that was causing issues for you two. You hated the hearing aids, whilst Spencer begged for you to wear them.
Theyâre itchy. I hate them.
Spencer gave them to you and waited for you to put them in like a mother waiting to scold their child. Reluctantly, you placed them on, trying to ignore the uncomfortable feeling crawling through your ears.
âHappy?â You sighed, turning back to make your tea.
Spencer ran a hand through his hair. âNo. Dr. Enid said you need to be wearing them all the time to get used to them. She said theyâll feelââ
âI get it, Spencer, jeez.â
He frowned. âWhy are you angry at me?â
âIâm not,â You deflected, turning to face him. âYouâre the one being angry.â
âBecause you arenât listening to me!â Spencer exclaimed, flailing his hands around. âWeâve had this conversation so many times and you wonât just keep them in.â
âFor Godâs sakes, Spencer. You arenât my doctor, so please stop acting like you are!â You argued.
He scoffed. âSorry that I love you and I want you to get better. These,â He gestured to your ears, âwill help you get better. You have the opportunity to hear again, to go back to work, to live again. I donât understand why you arenât trying to take it?â
You couldnât hide the subtle furrow your brows did when he mentioned work.
Of course, Spencer noticed. âDid Emily say something in your meeting today?â
âI canât go back to work,â You mumbled, looking away from him. Spencer tilted your face back to him with his fingertips.
You chewed your lip. âShe said that Iâm not in a good place . . . mentally. And I have to wear the hearing aids if I want to go back.â
âOkay,â Spencer sighed, âSo, we find you a good therapist to talk to andââ
Spencer shook his head. âWhat do you mean, no?â
âIâm not seeing a therapist. Iâm fine!â You exclaimed.
âYou went through something extremely traumatic, thereâs no shame in talking to someone,â He explained, âAnd if you want to go back to the team then youâll have to at least try.â
âSpencer, just because the bureau made you talk to someone because they were worried you were going to freak out on everyone mid-case doesnât mean I will. Iâm not you, I didnât go to prison.â
Spencer felt his face drop. The two of you hadnât spoke too much in detail about his time in prison yet. However, for you to throw it in his face was low.
You didnât know why you were taking your anger out on Spencer. Truthfully, you were angry at everyone but him. Heâd been nothing but patient throughout this whole situation and because you didnât know how to express how youâre actually feeling, youâre taking it out on him.
You decided to fill the silence. âI, uhâI didnât meanââ
âYou did. Thatâs why you said it,â Spencer spoke calmly. He turned to grab his suit jacket.
âW-Where are you going?â You asked him, suddenly feeling small.
âIâm going to go out for a while. Maybe once Iâve come back we can talk like two people who love each other and want to be with one another,â He said, making his way for the door.
âSpencer, Iâm sorââ
The door slammed in your face.
Spencer somehow ended up in a bar down the street. He hadnât drank alcohol since before his arrest in Mexico, but right now, he was desperate to have a release.
After a while, he didnât want to drink alone anymore.
âHey, you free to grab a drink?â He asked on the phone. âGreat, see you in 10.â
He ordered another drink as he waited for her to arrive. Soon after he called, she walked in the bar.
âHey, Spence,â JJ greeted him. âWhatâs the occasion?â
JJ sat on the barstool next to him and ordered a drink.
âUh, just needed a break,â Spencer laughed. âThat sounds wrong. I just meant I needed, uh, Iââ
âI know what you mean,â JJ cut him off. âThings arenât going well at home?â
Spencer sighed. âIt just feels like weâre going backwards. Everythingâs an argument between us and I donât know what to do anymore.â
JJ sat for a moment. When Spencer called, she had just been leaving the office thanks to the extra paperwork she had to do. Truthfully, she was desperate to be home, but when Spencer suggested a drink . . . she was worried.
Spencer hadnât ever been a huge drinker, especially after his kidnapping eleven years ago. JJ knew something serious had to be happening to make him go and seek out alcohol.
âMaybe you guys need some time apart,â She suggested.
You and JJ were friends since you joined the team and she ( along with Penelope ) were the most persistent of the team to be with you after Spencerâs arrest. However, sheâd known Spencer longer and after all, her loyalties lied with him.
Spencer hummed. âMaybe.â
He couldnât believe what he was saying. Time apart was the last thing he wanted.
âDoes she still have the apartment she was leasing whilst you were in prison?â JJ asked, sipping on her drink.
âIâm not sure,â Spencer sighed, âWe havenât really talked about that time yet.â
JJ couldnât hide her shock. âYou havenât talked about anything? Not Mexico, not prison, not Caââ
Spencer turned to face her. JJ sighed.
âShe does know it was Cat that set you up, right?â
âWell, the, uhâthe opportunity just never came up,â He stuttered.
âOh, Spence. You have to talk to someone about it all,â JJ told him, âPlus, she deserves to know too.â
Spencer ran a hand through his tousled hair. âItâs just with everything thatâs happened, I donât want to be a burden. Sheâs struggling to accept the fact she has to wear the hearing aids if she wants to go back to work.â
âThat doesnât mean you shouldnât talk to her about your issues as well, Spence. Relationships go both ways,â JJ reminded him.
âI know, I know,â He sighed, âItâs not her fault, but seeing her lose her hearing kind of made me feel like my problems arenât that bad.â
âSpencer, you went to prison for something you didnât do. If thatâs not bad I donât know what is. You know I love her, but if you arenât happy then maybe itâs time to think aboutââ
ââAbout what?â Spencer asked, shocked that JJ was suggesting what he thought she was suggesting. âBreaking up?â
âIâI donât know!â She said, surrendering her hands. âIt was just a suggestion.â
âNo! I love her even after everything thatâs happened.â
âOkay,â JJ said, âIâm sorry I even suggested it.â
Just as Spencer was about to reply, his phone started ringing. It was you. He looked to the time on his phone, 8pm. Shit. Heâd been gone nearly three hours.
He picked up the phone. âHey, baby.â
âAre you okay? I-I know youâre mad at me, but youâve been gone a really long time and you didnât say where you wereââ You paused for a moment, listening to the background noise. âAre you at a bar?â
âUh, yeah. OâKeifs down the road.â
JJ decided to give you two some privacy.
âIâm just going to the bathroom,â She whispered, placing a hand on his shoulder as she passed.
You scoffed on the other side of the phone. âWas that JJ?â
It was then that Spencer realised what he had done. In the start of your relationship, youâd voiced your insecurities about Spencerâs relationship with JJ. You knew you were being silly. After all, JJ had already had Henry by the time you met her. Derek had made a comment about how Spencer used to have a thing for JJ years ago and theyâd even been on a date.
Now, Spencer couldnât help but wonder if a part of his subconscious had invited JJ out of everyone on the team because he was angry at you.
âI just wanted someone to talk to. Listen, Iâm coming home nowââ
Spencer knew he royally fucked up. In a frantic state, he gathered all his belongings and turned to the bartender.
âCan you let the woman I was here with know I left?â Spencer rushed out his words. âJust tell her I had an emergency. Great, thanks.â
Without seeing if the bartender even heard him, Spencer made a break for the back door, hoping to get home to you before you got angry enough to storm out the apartment or worse, leave him for good.
You were reading the book Spencer had bought you about the origin of sign language when he came bursting through the door.
Spencer looked around frantically until he set his eyes on you, sat snuggled in a blanket on the sofa. Once he realised you were here, his eyes softened.
âYouâre here,â He sighed, stood rigid by the door.
You nodded. âWhere else would I be?â
âI-I thought you mightâve left again like the last time we argued badly,â He mumbled.
He took a deep breath, trying to build up the courage to say what he was feeling. Okay, this is it. The talk.
âYeah, yâknow before . . . Mexico. Weâd been arguing about my mom and I came home one day and you werenât there,â Spencer said, sitting awkwardly at the end of the sofa.
You took in what he said. Was this how he was feeling every time you argued since?
âSpencer, I left because I couldnât do it anymore and I was madââ
âYou were mad on the phone and earlier.â
You shot him a glare. âThatâs different, Spence.â
âOkay . . .â He wondered off. Right about now would be when heâd leave the conversation there and move on, but not this time. âCan you explain why?â
You shut the book in front of you and positioned yourself to face him. âWhen everything with your mother was happening it felt like I you didnât care about how it was effecting meâand I know thatâs selfish, but itâs how it felt. It went on for months Spencer and I just . . . just needed a minute. What happened earlier was wrong too, I was lashing out, but couples have arguments like that all the time.â
âA minute?â He scoffed, âAll of your stuff was gone like you hadnât even been there. It took you, what? A few hours to pack up and move your shit like we didnât even matter!â
You werenât used to Spencer yellingâin fact you werenât even sure if this was his version of yelling. It was then that youâd remembered heâd been at a bar, drinking for hours.
âSpence, I think youâre a little tipsy. Maybe we shouldââ
âNo!â He exploded, âNo, weâre going to talk about this for once. Weâre not going to just walk away from it like your hearing aids, work, Mexico, Prison. Iâm not doing it.â
âIs this what this is all about? That we donât talk about your arrest?â Your voice started getting louder, more defensive. âI didnât bring it up because I didnât want to push, Spencer. I figured youâd talk to me about it when you were ready.â
âWell, Iâm ready! Iâve been ready for months! Instead, Iâve been trying to help you get better and if you werenât so goddamn stubborn, then we could get over this part and move on from it. Not to mention, you threw it in my face earlier anyway!â
He was flailing his arms about randomly, placing his head in his hands at the end of his rant. Youâd tried to be understanding, but now you were downright annoyed at what he was insinuating.
âSo itâs my fault that you havenât talked to me about prison?â You scoffed.
âIâNo, thatâs not whatââ
âBecause I didnât ask you to do any of this for me, Spencer,â You laughed, standing up and walking over to the cabinet in the corner of the room. âI didnât ask you to pay for that fancy fucking doctor,â You exclaimed, pulling out the invoice youâd seen weeks ago. âI didnât ask you to talk to Emily for meâyeah, I know about that. And I certainly didnât ask you to be here with me.â
Spencer watched your outburst as you stood on the other side of the table.
You scoffed, wiping away your fallen tears. âSo, go! Iâm sorry that losing my hearing has been hard on you, Spencer. But imagine being the one who actually lost it.â
He walked over to you, placing his hands on your shoulders. âThatâs what the hearing aids are for, baby. And I did all of those things because I love you and it killed me to see you in pain.â
âI hate the fucking hearing aids!â You yelled, âThey just remind me that iâm useless to everyone if I donât have them in. What good is an agent who canât hear if an unsub is behind her? Or a girlfriend who canât listen to her boyfriendâs problems unless she has things stuck to her ears!â
Your crying had become more hysterical. Spencer wrapped his arms around you. It felt like deja vu, except this time you were actually making progress. Spencer was just thankful to finally hear what youâre feeling instead of having to guess.
âShh,â He comforted, âItâs okay, baby. Weâll work it out, I promise.â
âN-No,â You persisted, moving away from his chest. âIâm fine now, okay? Letâs talk about you.â
Spencer shook his head. âLetâs leave it for another time, okay?â
âNo, youâre right, Spence. Itâs what we doâwe avoid. If you want to talk about everything that happened we should and iâm sorry iâve made you feel like you canât.â
âI do want to talk about it,â He told you, âBut itâs not going to be easy for me to talk about or for you to hear, my love. I want us both to be okay when we get into the ins and outs of what happened and you are not okay right now.â
You sniffled in response.
Spencer smiled at the red flush your nose had now taken on. âSo, letâs go relax for tonight. Do you want me to run you a bath?â
âOkay then, Iâll light some candles and put some bath salts in just how you like it.â
He pecked your forehead before turning to head for the bathroom. Spencer got about half way there when you and an idea.
âDo you want to join me?â
Intimacy had been a rough topic the last few months. In the sense that you hadnât had any. Besides kissing and the cuddles in bed, you and Spencer hadnât been close in that way since before he went to prison and even then, it was sparse since his mother was living with you.
He turned to face you, his face now the same colour as yours a minute ago. âY-Yeah, okay.â
After an awkward start, you and Spencer had settled in the bath. Your back was to his chest and if you truly relaxed every bone in your body, you could feel his heartbeat against your back.
You could stay here forever.