#josh writes

“ This is Engineer Joshua Beckett of the Big Fucking Ship, or the Space Corps exploration ship G-1867b, the most luxury vessel model in space exploration. Can you sense the sarcasm? It’s a nice ship but it’s faulty as fuck. Anyway what’s up kids guess who got back from my leave. *there is some clicking and high pitched squeaking sounds in the back of this recording, later confirmed to be Engineer Zlark* I know, I missed you too buddy. Anyway today we will be recording the other weird things humans do, because somehow we haven’t documented them all.

“ H-Hello? Is this thing working?. . .I hope so. . .This is junior engineer Joshua Beckett of the G-1867b Space Corps Exploration Ship. . .Is anyone out there? I uh. . .I don’t know what happened to the crew. I don’t know what happened to the ship either. . .Oh god I don’t know if my sister is okay. . .*there’s the sound of clicking in the background of the recording and the sound of Josh clearing his throat and sniffling* I’m here with junior engineer Zlark, we were out doing repairs to the exterior to of the ship when our pod began to experience technical difficulties and then the ship was gone. The Big Fucking Ship somehow managed to disappear. We’ve been out here for months, we ran out of fuel last week and we’ve only got a few days left of food. . .If anyone at the Space Corps hears this then we’re in Maintenance Pod Aurora 5, serial number is 115b12, we’re not sure how long we can keep the generators going. 

AN: Hi look I’m writing again, uhh this one isn’t going to be all that nice if you don’t enjoy reading about blood, spit and all that beautiful human body stuff, this is your warning lads.

To humans, our spit is not venomous our blood is not acidic, the oil on our skin only wears things over time.  Well, on Earth. On other planets, the crew has realized that they aren’t has biologically harmless than they thought. 

Human Josh accidentally almost single-handedly wiped out half of a Primitive Alien race when he was sent to explore their planet with an exploration team when he was still suffering from a cold, however the Humans felt so bad about it that a cure was quickly developed and Human Josh refuses to return to that planet.

The Arranites were the ones who discovered that human blood is quite a useful corrosive in their solar system, Human Josh and Human Luke were not paying attention and had managed to hurt themselves, not too badly but they had punctured the skin ad were bleeding, the blood had corroded through some plant life and at first it was thought that it was just some bio fluid from Human Luke’s cyborg components, but tests revealed it was just blood and that’s why when visiting Arrostophia, Humans, especially Josh and Mick, are required to wear bio hazard suits.

Humans were aware that the oil on their skin could also be corrosive, because it’s an issue on their own planet, however, as you can imagine, in some places their skin’s natural oils causes a lot more damage a lot quicker, there is now a tree somewhere with the crew’s initials on it because of them realizing this. 

The Humans aren’t aware that currently their bodily functions are being documented and unfortunately weaponized by the Drexan race.

The Drexans are unaware that Human Finn and Rachael are working on undoing their work.

AN: I’m surprised I haven’t done this one before honestly, when Scottish people get angry, most of the time we don’t make sense.

Brork was on his way to assist Dr Thoras with her research having returned to the ship a few days ago. He was unsure what he would be helping with until he turned the corner and seen the Humans and realized that Josh seemed rather angry and was being held back by Human Finn and Human Mick, between them and the Drexan was a broken ‘Roomba’. Brork managed to piece together what had happened quite quickly. Someone broke one of Josh’s toys. 

“C’mere ya reject crocodile, A promise Ah willnae hit ye, actually that’s pure and utter bullshit Am gonnae release the fury of a thousand suns upon your sorry excuse of an existence ya fuckin’ ugly gecko.” Brork noticed the light on Josh’s translator was flashing yellow, even the translator was having a hard time figuring out what the Human was saying, but it sounded like a threat. 

Dr Thoras was right, the humans were strange, interesting and hostile when they felt angered, Brork had been fortunate enough not to experience an angry human. 

“Josh, calm down, we’ll get you a new Roomba or you can just rebuild that one? You don’t need to get into another fight because someone broke your Roomba, please for the love of all that’s holy don’t do it.” Mick said trying to drag Josh away. 

“Am no gonnae fight them, am gonnae beat them wae ma shoe!” Josh replied. 

“I only understood something about a shoe, alright, everyone move along, nothing to see here.” Then, Josh got lifted up by the other humans and forcefully removed from the situation, still spurting out more threats and his translator bleeping out what it understood to be swear words, which is only ever seemed to do when the Humans spoke ‘their native tongues.’

AN: This might be bad because I have a severe case of writers block but I wanted to post something, so here we are.

By now, most species who know about the existence of Humans are aware of soemthing the humans have created, a dangerous floor cleaning device known as Stabby. Why is it dangerous? Well, there’s a knife attached to it. 

Engineer Joshua Becket of the G-1867b Exploration Ship is one of the few humans who knows how to create these torture devices, of varying shapes and sizes but they were always some sort of harmless android that wasn’t initially created with the intent of doing harm. 

There are Roombas, obviously, the favourite among the humans is ‘Vlad The Impaler.’ a Roomba with a knife attached and some googly eyes; Despite all humans with the exception of Human Luke having to seek medical aid after forgetting to remove the knife from Vlad after activating him. The Humans only have two Roombas active at a time without their weapon, however there have been reports of all six Roombas being activated and armed when the ship was under attack, the small pin pricks on the legs of the enemies only further proves this. 

Recently however there have been rumours around the ship that Human Josh is creating his own multipurpose cleaning device now, when asked about this he just shrugged his shoulders and said. ‘Well, there’s a worrying amount of attacks on this ship and an equally worrying lack of weapons.’ When pressed further about his ‘project.’ Human Josh just blinked one eye and continued about his day’s work quota. 

The Kryntur sat in the infirmary on board his ship, wondering just how he managed to underestimate the creatures of the Milky Way galaxy so much, what was originally planned to be an attack on the Martians, turned into a war. On the side of the Kryntur, The Drexan, Brosomites and Langarians, on the side of the Martians, The Saturn-Jupiter Elites, Neptunians and, regrettably the Earthlings. 

At first, when the Kryntur moved in to take Mars as their own, they thought it would be simple, Martians do not like war and even their most war hardened, battle ready soldiers would be easy to deal with, but the Kryntur didn’t know that those who resided in this part of the Milky Way were at peace with each other and would work together, especially as the Earthlings were constantly at war with themselves, at the very least they were not expecting the Earthlings.

The Kryntur called for help when they recieved word that the Saturn-Jupiter Elites were coming to provide aid, and asked for more help when the Neptunians called in a favour from Mars’s neighbouring blue planet.

The Kryntur, Davri, was the leader of this attack, he had fought many wars and survived, he was responsible for the Planet Krynt redeeming it’s title as ‘Iron Rulers.’ and all his hard work now meant nothing. 

The humans were coming, the Drexan had gotten cocky and tried to take over Earth and the humans doubled down on their efforts in this war in return, almost wiping out the Drexan in the process and causing the rest of them to flee; and now the Humans were on their way to the Kryntur’s last remaining base. 

Davri found himself brought back to reality when he heard an unfamiliar voice wander into the infirmary, everyone else had fled in one more attempt to survive but he had chosen his fate, death at the hands of a worthy adversary. The human was a male, he was humming something as he sat down across from the Kryntur, there was black blood on his uniform and a blue flag with a white cross going through it, Davri had learned that that was a flag from the human’s country of origin and above the flag was writing ‘S.Beckett.’ The human stopped humming. 

“It doesn’t have to be this way you know.” He spoke with a strange accent, Davri looked out the porthole next to his bed. 

“I would rather die at the hands of a worthy foe than return home and admit defeat.” He spoke, the human nodded, then started talking and Davri talked back. 

They spoke freely, as if they were friends for about an hour, Davri had learned that this human was a father to one daughter and had a son on the way, and the human had learned that though Davri wanted to have his own young, his career had gotten in the way of that and now he regretted letting that happen. 

The human stood up, removing his weapon from his belt and checking to see if it was loaded. It was. He let out a sigh. 

“Davri D’rouz of the planet Krynt, I will give you one more chance, I won’t kill you, if I’m honest I don’t want to, but I was sent here with the order to bring you in dead or alive, now I see that perhaps if you were presented with a different path then this wouldn’t have happened and I would be back home, living my life and you would perhaps have a family of your own. If I am leaving here with you then you will be dead, however if I turn my back and you were to escape then I will not chase you.” The Human spoke, Davri didn’t move and repeated his first sentence upon meeting the human. 

Davri was no longer a threat, died during the Siege of Mars, killed by Stuart Beckett who returned home to raise his two children, Rachael and Josh and teach them to never forget compassion.

On the way out of the infirmary, Stuart started humming a song that would become known as a fierce Earthling Battle Song. 

“ Human language is complex, there are a lot of languages on the planet and a lot of different ways to spell, write and pronounce some words in the same language. 

And then there’s The Beckett Siblings. 

They live in a country that uses British English however does have it’s own language known as ‘Gaelic.’ similar to the Irish but again, strange languages but speak their own language. ‘Scottish.’ is only an accent to my understanding, however most days it seems like a foreign language that our translators do not understand. 

However, their vocal tuning isn’t the only thing that is strange, it seems like humans from this particular place use curse words a lot, but not to curse, words just get intertwined to a sentence and certain swear words that could be seen as insults just mean ‘That being over there.’ 

There is a lot to understand about swearing on Earth.