#josephtate

-

Aaron wakes up with a bangingheadache and a mouth that feels filled with cotton.

He opens one eye, slowly, andwhen he’s not assaulted by the daylight as he feared, he opens the other one aswell. He notices gladly that the curtains are shut, allowing him some reprieve.Then he remembers that he doesn’t have curtains in his bedroom and a wave ofnausea hits him.

He’s on a bed, diagonally,mercifully alone and fully clothed, shoes included. It’s not his bed though.

Aaron gets up, gingerly, andas he does some of the memories from the night before flood back to him. Heremembers getting drunk, he remembers getting annoyed with Robert aboutsomething but he can’t quite remember what, he remembers wandering onto thesecond floor and into a guest bedroom and then suddenly not reallyunderstanding how locks and doors and handles work anymore.

Not one of his finest moments,admittedly.

So, he’s still at Robert’s, inone of his bedrooms. He takes his phone out of his jeans pocket and looks atthe time, it’s only 10.30 on a Sunday, he’s sure Robert’s still asleep. He canprobably get out of there without even having to see him.

This is fine. This is allfine.

-

Aaron’s trip downstairs is assilent as he can make it, which, given his current state, is not very silent atall. At one point he even trips on the carpet and barely manages not to fall onhis face, releasing however a string of curses. He sends up a silent prayerthat Robert’s room is very far away and Robert is a very sound sleeper.

“Aaron? Are you trying to giveme a heart attack?” Robert half yells, suddenly and inexplicably at the bottomof the stairs. He’s clutching his chest with a hand in a way that Aaron feelsis way too dramatic for the situation.

He’s wearing an open robe, apair of pajama bottoms and nothing else. Aaron is man enough and hung-overenough to admit that it’s distracting and that’s why it’s taking him forever toanswer. Not that he’s going to let Robert in on that.

“I fell asleep.” Aaron says,crossing his arms. “Why are you already up?” Aaron asks, with way moreaccusation in his tone than is warranted, all things considered.

Robert gestures towards theliving room. Aaron comes down the last few steps and peers into the largeliving room, where a cleaning crew is eliminating every trace of last night’sparty and studiously ignoring them.

“You look like you’re about tothrow up.” Robert says, wrinkling his nose. “Please not on the carpet.”

Aaron grunts at him. He canrecognize a hint when he gets thrown one.

“Fine. I’ll leave you to it.”He says, rushing towards the door, Robert right behind him.

“What?” Aaron asks.

“Last time you tried to leaveyou ended up in my guest bedroom. I’m just making sure you don’t end up in myattic.” Robert says. He looks weird. Sleepy, maybe. Soft. His bare feet barelymaking a sound on the plush carpet and his hair still a mess from the nightbefore.

Aaron idly wonders if there’sanyone upstairs, still in Robert’s bed, waiting for him to be done and get backunder the covers. He shakes the thoughts off. He might still be drunk.

He opens the front door andsteps into the fresh air. It’s cold, but at least it’s making his nausea goaway.

“Aren’t you forgettingsomething?” Robert asks from the door. Aaron turns around and finds himselfface to face with Robert, who’s leaning on the doorframe, robe open in a waythat’s too artful to be casual. It’s a little thing but it reminds Aaron why hedislikes Robert so much. Everything about him is studied and fake.

“What?” Aaron barks out, backon familiar emotional territory.

Robert blinks at him a coupleof times. “Didn’t you have a coat last night? It’s cold.” Robert asks, finallyclosing his robe, as if his words had conjured the chill.

Aaron shrugs. He’s not goingback in.

Robert sighs. He disappearsinside for a few seconds before reappearing with a bundle in his arms.

“Here, take this.” He says,thrusting the thing at Aaron. “You can bring it back to me next time.” Andbefore Aaron can protest or speak, really, he closes the door.

Aaron unfolds the coat, it’sone of those posh ones that cost hundreds of dollars. He shrugs it on.

-

Aaron does throw up on the wayhome. He’s not sure he can blame Robert for it but he definitely makes avaliant effort.

-

Aaron manages to drag himselfout of bed on Monday morning, held together by determination, a prayer, and thepromise of coffee.

In hindsight he should havestayed in bed.

It starts with Adam sendinghim a text with an incoherent string of emojis and a link to one of thosegossip sites that he hates. He’s about to ignore the whole thing when he seesthe name ‘Robert Sugden’ in the link. He must still be half-asleep because hejust taps on it, opening a new page.

Aaron’s greeted by pictures ofRebecca White leaving Robert’s house. They’re from the morning before and Aaronquashes the spark of something ugly in his stomach that flares at therealization. She looks okay, surely more put together than Aaron looked in thesame situation. Robert’s robe is mercifully closed.

He’s scrolling through thepictures and asking himself why Adam would ever think he’s interested in themwhen he sees the back of his own head. A picture of it, to be precise. He’sstanding close to Robert, who somehow looks even more naked in the picturesthan he was in real life yesterday morning. He doesn’t remember standing thatclose either, but the angle makes it look like they were only a few inchesapart.

Aaron skims the article, buteven calling it an article feels too much of a concession. It’s a bunch of baselessspeculations about their relationship, Robert’s relationship with Rebecca, andwhat might have gone down the night before. They have even embedded a few ofthe tweets he and Robert have exchanged during the years in for good measure. Thearticle calls them ‘foreplay’ and Aaron doesn’t know whether to laugh or cry.

-

Robert calls him. Of course,Robert calls him. Tragedies always strike in threes.

It’s five pm and Aaron isabout to call it a night, earlier than usual, just so he can escape the circusthose pictures have created. His co-workers, who are usually to scared to eventalk to him, are openly laughing at him. Well, not so openly anymore after healmost bit Tracy’s head off earlier, but still. There’s definitely somelaughing at his expense happening. His own motherhas called him to laugh at him about it.

He’s just about ready to gohome, drink one or seven beers and go to bed when his phone rings. It flasheswith Vic’s number. He’s seriously tempted to let it go to voicemail, but in theend, he answers it.

He shouldn’t have.

“I’m going to be at your apartmentin half an hour, meet me there.” Robert says, in a tone Aaron can’t quitedecipher, then he hangs up.

Aaron is so incredibly temptedto stand Robert up. He could go to a pub and get his one to seven beers there,go back home once he’s sure Robert’s gone or even crash at Adam’s.

He sighs.

He goes home.

-

Robert is standing next toAaron’s apartment complex, leaning casually against the wall, a foot proppedback against it. He’s wearing a pair of stupid fake hipster glasses and a hat,trying to blend in. Aaron wants to punch him in the mouth.

He doesn’t even acknowledgeRobert as he goes inside, but he can feel him following. Aaron suddenly remembershe’s still wearing the coat Robert had given him yesterday and feels caughtout, but he’s not sure why. His own winter coat, the only one he has, is stillsomewhere inside Robert’s sprawling mansion, and it’s not like Robert can’tafford a new one if he really needs it.

“I’ll be right back.” Aaronsays before Robert can even open his mouth. He even manages to make it soundlike a warning.

He comes back with a case ofbeer and half a bottle of whiskey. Whatever it is Robert wants, Aaron isresolutely not listening to it sober.

-

Turns out, Robert wants themto date.

They are both so incredibly,stupidly drunk. They’re on Aaron’s couch and they’ve managed to demolish thealcohol and the meager contents of Aaron’s fridge, which mostly consisted of oldtake-away and a solitary carton of eggs. This is fine. It’s fine.

“So, you want me to, what, beyour reverse beard?” Aaron asks. He’s put Robert’s glasses on, and it turns outthey’re actually prescription glasses and it’s giving him nausea, but it’sbetter than the glasses being on Robert’s stupid face, so he’s keeping them.

Robert shrugs.

“Because between the pressthinking you shagged your ex-wife’s sister and a bloke the latter is… better?”Aaron asks, unsure. He’s, again, extremely drunk, but he’s pretty sure this won’tmake sense even once he sobers up.

“I didn’t.” Robert says,adamant, his eyes glassy from the booze, but intent. “Sleep with her.” Heclarifies.

“I don’t care who you shag,mate.” Aaron says, taking a swig of his beer, but something in his chest feelslooser.

“People do. The Daily Mailcalled me ‘a closet hopping groundhog gay.’” Robert says, finishing off therest of his whiskey. He looks so offended and sad, his hair sticking up indifferent directions from where he’s carded his fingers through it, his shirtrumpled.

Aaron laughs. He doesn’tbother to point out that only idiots read The Daily Mail.

“It’s not funny!” Robertprotests, but he’s laughing too. “I don’t even know what that means.” He continues,more to himself than to Aaron.

Aaron knows it hasn’t beeneasy for Robert to come out. He’s had to put up with his fair share of bullshitand Aaron can relate. Still. This is insane.

“I still don’t get why yougotta date me.” Aaron says with a grimace.

“Haven’t you read thecomments? People like us.” Robertreplies. “The idea of us.” He amends.

Aaron rolls his eyes. Robert’sobsession with what people think of him will lead him to an early grave.Probably by Aaron’s hands.

“Come with me to an event ortwo. A couple of dates. Then we can tell people we split amicably.” Robert says.Aaron gives him a look. “Or with a lot of animosity, whatever works for you.”

The crazy thing is, Aaron isconsidering it. He’s drunk enough to at least admit that to himself, and topreemptively give himself an excuse when he’ll wake up sore and regretfultomorrow.

“You’ll have full access. I’llmake sure you get the exclusive on any new project of the people I know.”Robert continues. He’s blurry and earnest seen through his own glasses. Aaronwants to throw up.

“Fine.”

-

Aaron wakes up with a crick inhis neck for having slept sitting on the couch and a banging headache, sunlightstreaming in from the windows. He wants to die and throw up. In that order. Hereally needs to stop doing this.

Why did he even do this?

“Would it kill you to buy aset of curtains?” Robert asks, his voice scratchy from sleep and what Aaronhopes is the mother of all hangovers.

Right. That.

-

Aaron takes two aspirins andstands in the shower for as long as there is hot water. He towels himself dryand puts on some clean clothes. He even manages not to throw up. He takes it asa win.

When he goes back to theliving room Robert is still there, looking intently at Aaron’s recordcollection. There’s not much in the living room, his favorite ones taking upevery available bit of space in his bedroom, these are mostly the spillovers.Still, he figures it must be an interesting collection by the look ofconcentration on Robert’s face.

He’s wearing his glasses again,as well as his stupidly expensive coat and his hat. Despite the hangover, helooks good. Aaron hates him just a little bit more for it.

“Why are you still here?”Aaron asks, weary, but lacking the usual bite. It’s been a long day already andit’s not even nine am.

“You break for lunch, right?”Robert asks, completely ignoring Aaron’s question. Aaron nods. “Okay, Leylasaid we should go for lunch. Seafood.” Robert continues, whipping up his phonefrom his jeans pocket and looking at the screen.

“Did she?” Aaron asks, lookingaround the room trying to locate his own phone in an attempt to not look atRobert anymore. This is insane. In the harsh, cold light of day, this is positivelyinsane.

“She says ‘right now lunch says this relationship is new and lowkey and we’re having fun but within thebounds of respectability politics because we live in a heteronormative society.’I’m quoting.” Robert shrugs. “That must be some fresh fish if it’s saying allthat.”

Aaron groans. “Jokes like that’swhy you need a PR boyfriend instead of having a real one, mate.”

-

Robert is late. Not that Aaronis surprised. There are many a-Twitter rants from Aaron about Robert’stardiness. Honestly, he’s revising his stance on this, their feud is all Robert’sfault.

Not that there is a feudanymore, not publicly at least. Or privately, Aaron has to grudgingly admit. He’salmost getting used to Robert. It’s disconcerting.

He’s just about to get back insidewhen a sleek silver car parks in front of him. Aaron would recognize that caranywhere. He gets inside.

Robert’s showered and changedclothes. He’s still wearing jeans, but now he’s also wearing a button-downshirt and a blazer. If Aaron were anyone else, he’d probably be feelingunderdressed, but thankfully, he’s Aaron Dingle.

“It’s lunch.” He says pointedly.

“There’ll be paparazzi.” Robert replies just aspointedly, looking Aaron over. It sends something like a spark down Aaron’sspine, he squashes it down. Not in a million years.

-

The food is good at least. Hecan’t say the same for the company. Robert’s spent the entire time subtlyworking his angles so the paparazzi can get good shots while trying to looknatural.

Every time Aaron thinks hemight actually like Robert, Robert gives him a stark reminder of why he doesn’t.It’s like clockwork.

“Why do you even care?” Aaronasks, brusquely. He’s tired of being ignored, but he hadn’t meant to say it outloud. Still, at least it startles Robert out of his daze.

“What?”

“About all this. It’s mental.”Aaron says. Robert looks like he’s waiting for Aaron to elaborate, but Aarondoesn’t.

“It’s sort of my job.” Robert replies,and to his credit he doesn’t say it like he thinks Aaron is stupid for notgetting it, which must be a struggle for him.

“Making music is your job.”Aaron says, defiant.

Aaron would rather die thanadmit any of this, but Robert has a good voice. He even has the classictraining and the rags to riches story to back it up. Farm boy turned pop star. Ifit were anyone else, Aaron could see the appeal. The fact is, Robert seems toobusy constantly obsessing over his image to actually sing anything worthlistening to and it makes Aaron want to shake him.  

“Did you remember when peoplefound out?” Robert asks, and intense look on his face, and he doesn’t have tospecify what, Aaron knows he’s talking about his sexuality.

Aaron does remember. He’s theone who had to break the news to Robert that there were pictures of him with abloke circulating around various gossip magazines. He remembers threatening toquit if the newspaper bought any of the pictures. They had been one of the fewoutlets to not even run a story about it. The fallout hadn’t been great.

Aaron nods.

“How much work do you think ittook to make sure I still had a career after that?” Robert asks, but it’s a rhetoricalquestion.

Aaron gets it, he really does.Music journalism is a difficult world for a gay man to break into, he’s had toadapt, toughen up. It’s messed up that he’s had to do that, but he knew thescore going in. He doesn’t think Robert did. Or maybe he did and had decided along time ago to kill that part of himself was a viable solution. Aaron’s notsure which option would make him sadder.

Then something happens. Robertseems to remember they’re in a public place and there’s people taking theirpictures and he plasters a smile on his face. It’s a good enough imitation ofthe real thing, Aaron will give him that. Aaron knows better, still, he lets itgo.

“When we get out, I’m puttingmy arm around your shoulders.” Robert says, but Aaron knows it’s his way ofasking. Aaron shrugs.

-

“This is mental, mate.” Adamsays. They’re at work, huddled around Aaron’s phone, looking at the picturesfrom the day before.

Adam knows, because Adam isAaron’s best mate and because Aaron needed to share the insanity with someone andAdam was the best bet. Adam’s sworn not to tell anyone and that’s good enoughfor him. Not that he’s telling Robert that Adam knows. Compared to how Robertfeels about Adam, Aaron and Robert’s relationship is a picnic in the park.

Aaron looks at the picturesand he feels something hot flutter in his stomach. He looks at them and he canfeel Robert’s warmth through their two thick coats and the smell of hisaftershave. Robert’s smiling his real smile at him.

“It’s alright.” Aaron concedes.

-

After a week or so they manageto graduate to dinner dates, and hey, at least Aaron’s getting free meals outof this. It could be worse.

Tonight, they’re ending theirdate at Robert’s to unwind. Robert is barefoot in the kitchen, cooking, theradio is playing a pop song Aaron would never admit to liking, but he does. It’soddly domestic and it’s making Aaron feel weird. He wants to say he doesn’t likeit, but in the privacy of his own head he has to admit it’s not true.

It’s nice.

“I need the loo.” Aaron says,suddenly overwhelmed.

“Use the one upstairs.” Robertreplies without even turning around. “Try not to get lost again.” Aaron flipshim the bird.

Aaron does get lost again. Inhis defense, Robert’s house his huge. How many bedrooms and bathrooms andbarely used offices does one person need? That’s how he ends up in what he’spretty sure is Robert’s bedroom.

It’s the only one that seemslived in. There are pictures of Robert’s family on the dresser and a few bookslying around, bookmarks sticking out. There are also a few vinyls and a recordplayer. They all look brand new. Intrigued, Aaron picks them up. They’re alltitles from the collection he keeps in his living room. A lot of Fleetwood Mac.

Aaron’s just about to leavewhen he notices a leather notebook on Robert’s nightstand. He picks it up, itlooks expensive and well-loved. He can see post-its sticking from the sides,but it otherwise looks carefully maintained.

“You can open it.” Robert saysfrom the doorway, making Aaron jump.

“I got lost.” Aaron replies,caught out.

“It’s okay.” Robert shrugs,but he seems tense, nervous. Maybe he does want Aaron to open the journal. Aarondoes.

Inside, in Robert’s neathandwriting are songs. Lyrics and music. They’re all dated, some going back towhen Robert first started out. Aaron jumped to the last page, Robert had apparentlystarted working on the last one the day before.

“I didn’t know you actuallywrote your songs.” Aaron says. Robert’s stuff tends to be over-produced garbage,earworms designed to be catchy and meaningless, that’s the kind of stuff that’susually cranked out by over-paid teams of producers.

“I don’t. Not the ones I singanyways.” Robert replies. He sprawls on the bed, facing Aaron. He puts hishands behind his head, exposing a silver of skin between his shirt and hisjeans and wow isn’t that a sight.

Except.

Aaron’s gotten pretty good atreading Robert by now and he can see the tense line of his shoulders, the way he’slooking at Aaron with fake confidence. He’s waiting for Aaron to judge him. Aaronthinks Robert might always be waiting for others to judge him.

Aaron goes back to the journal.He takes his time, reading a few of the lyrics, singing the melodies under hisbreath. They’re unpolished, some of them unfinished, but they’re good. Aaron’sheart feels like it’s going to explode in his chest. They’re good.

“This is the stuff you shouldbe singing.” Aaron says, reverently closing the journal and putting it back onthe nightstand. “It’s great.”

Robert breathes and thetension seems to leave his body completely. Aaron thinks it might have beensome kind of test and he’s irrationally elated he seems to have passed it.

“I’ve been thinking about it.”Robert admits, and the way he says it makes Aaron think it’s probably his firsttime saying it out loud. “Going full Cher.” Robert jokes.

“It might even earn you thefirst good review of your career.” Aaron says deadpan.

Robert throws a pillow at hisface.

-

They eat dinner, they watch amovie, they drink beer, they sit close, closer than most people do, and then Aaronleaves.

They’re on Robert’s dooragain, shivering against the cold night air, Robert framed by the light comingfrom inside the house.

“I had a good time.” Robertsays.

“I’ve had worse.” Aaronreplies because Aaron is an asshole, but Robert doesn’t seem to mind because hesmiles at him. “You never gave me my coat back.”

“I think the maid threw itout.” Robert says, wrinkling his nose.

Robert reaches towards Aaronand does the zip of Aaron’s coat up higher, well, Robert’s coat really. He patsAaron on the chest once, resting his hand for a second right on Aaron’s heart.

“You can keep this one.”Robert continues.

That’s when Aaron sees theflash go off in the corner of his eye.

Right.

This is fake.

-

So. Aaron might be in lovewith his fake boyfriend, which is fine and not at all disconcerting. Also, definitelynot as hilarious as Adam seems to think it is.

-

The thing is: Robert is all action,even when he shouldn’t be. He and Aaron tend to have that in common. Robert’sbeen driving so far. He’s been taking all the first steps. If he had wantedAaron, he would have made it happen by now.

Adam thinks Aaron is an idiot,but Adam doesn’t know anything and he can shut his stupid mouth.

-

Aaron’s wearing a suit, thenicest item of clothing he’s ever owned, courtesy of Robert’s tailor. They’regoing to the MTV Music People’s Choice whatever – Aaron’s been preoccupied withother matters lately and he usually never covers this stuff anyways – and they’rewearing matching suits. Aaron’s wearing blue and even he has to admit that helooks good.

Robert, however, looks on awhole other level. He’s wearing a color he’s insisting Aaron call “maroon” (it’sdark red), and he looks every bit the star he is. Not that Aaron is evertelling him that.

That said, someone tonight isgoing to test whether people can actually cry from sexual frustration and thatperson is Aaron.

-

The night is a blur ofperformances and awards and speeches and Aaron finds himself enjoying the experience.Especially whenever Robert leans into him to whisper something mean andsarcastic in his ear. By the time they’re ready to announce Robert’s category,Aaron’s about ready to kiss him or kill him. Whichever option becomes availablefirst, really.

An overly tanned blonde manAaron doesn’t recognize is on stage, opening the envelope with what he mightthink is panache but it’s mostly just making Aaron’s hands itch.

“And the award for maleperformer of the year goes to…”

A beat.

“Robert Sugden!”

Aaron jumps up his seat, theentire room roaring into applause and cheers. It might have been his abuse of theopen bar, or his genuine happiness, or maybe just the fact that he’s been wantingto do this for a while. He grabs Robert by the lapels of his jacket and kisseshim for all he’s worth.

Robert kisses him back.

It only lasts a few secondsbefore Robert has to go accept his awards, but it leaves Aaron’s mouth tinglingand his spine shivering. Aaron can’t hear a word of Robert’s speech, theroaring in his ears too loud.

-

The after is a blur of congratulationsand drinks and there’s an afterparty to attend, but Robert holds Aaron’s handthe entire time.

-

The thing is: Robert is allaction, it’s just that sometimes those actions aren’t obvious to the uninitiated.Like buying someone a coat without telling them about it, or asking them to behis fake boyfriend, or opening up to and being vulnerable with them.

-

“I’ve been trying to date youfor months!” Robert insists, the two of them tangled in bed.

-