#joostposting

I felt the thunderstorm erupting in the center of my chest, feeling lightening keep shocking my brain; trying to calm myself. I knew I should’ve said no to this nights outing; my best friend’s boyfriends birthday party. It started with a dinner last weekend, her practically begging me to come so she could have somebody she considered ‘family’ there and ‘wouldn’t feel so alone’, plus throwing in ‘he said he misses you too and you were also his friend, ya know?’ and I stupidly, half heartedly agreed. I couldn’t be that mad anyways, I only met her because of the man who plagued my thoughts for the last five months; that beautiful blonde boy with bright blue eyes that ruined my perception of love. He was lifelong friends with her boyfriend, forcing us to be close but it ended up with our friendship instantly clicking and realizing i genuinely liked her and she just wasn’t ’one of my boyfriends friends girlfriends.’ And that’s what friends do, show up for each other at the end of the day, unfortunately.

It’d been five months since I’ve seen joost in person, him clearing his things from our shared flat with the help of a few friends as I sat on the couch; crying, embarrassing myself even more when I yelled a few choice words at him.

I told everybody the breakup was mutual but it wasn’t, he sprang it on me by surprise. He came home one day and told me that he’d been thinking about for the past month and that maybe both of us needed room to grow, experience life away from each other; all while I sat in a ball on the floor, sobbing, trying to combat a panic attack while he sat in front of me, trying to soothe me while simultaneously hurting me.

There had been a few drunk texts and calls here and there; mostly him texting me how he ‘needed to come over and sink his cock into me’ or me sobbing into the phone about how much I loved him and nobody could ever compare, that usually happened around one in the morning, with nothing ever coming to frutition.

But those stopped around a month and half ago, around the time I noticed him in the likes and comments of the same girl who kept popping up on my Instagram ‘people you may know’ tab. It took everything in me not to reach out to him, or even embarrassingly enough; her. I eventually blocked his number and socials, but pathetically that only lasted a week before I sneakily unblocked him after boasting about it to all my friends.

But tonight, I felt the most pathetic I have felt in the last five months; making my way up to the front door of my best friend’s, Sofia, shared condo with her boyfriend. I decided on a pair of uncomfortable heels that my ex had help me pick out a few months before we ended things, him telling me how sexy they made my legs look while I was trying them on at the store, paired with a black short dress that he also always complimented me on; telling me how great it made my figure look how it always ‘drove him wild’ when I wore it. I chose each piece of my outfit carefully tonight, with the thought of him in the back of my head, coming to terms that I might just be the most genuinely saddest person there is in the world, or maybe at least top ten.

I made my way to the front door, pulling my hand back and letting my finger hit the doorbell; hearing it go off on the other side while hearing music and loud conversation drone on the other side of the door. It was a few seconds of me gnawing on the skin around my fingers before the door slowly creeped open, Sofia’s face coming into view before her eyes widened, flinging the door open and taking me into a hug that I half heartedly reciprocated back. “Thank you so much for coming, it means the world to me. Its mostly his friends and some of their girlfriends, truly makes me notice how much I miss you in these situations.” She said before stopping, realizing her mistake, “wait- no, I’m sorry.” She blushed, pulling away as I shook my head, “it’s no big deal, we’re all adults, yeah?” I gave a small smile and she nodded, pulling me into her warm house from the coldness of the fall air outside.

“Of course, I mean, I’m not the happiest to be here… but you know, I’d do anything for you.” I gave her a small, tight lipped smile and pushed my arm out forward; handing her small gift bag, thankful that it was relatively easy to shop for her boyfriend’s birthday present. She took it from hands, going on about she’s so glad and grateful I came but frankly, I was slightly tuning her out with the knot of anxiety growing in my chest and brain, I kept telling myself ‘how I could do this’ and tonight wasn’t going to be a disaster. I followed after her through the front hallway that connected the living and kitchen area to the front of the of the house, taking deep breathes and chewing harshly on my lower lip. Keeping my arms loosely crossed over my chest, we emerged to the living room, a a few familiar faces waving at me and me giving them a polite smile. I definitely overdressed for this, but at the end of the day, does anybody wanna see their ex-partner dressed stupidly? I didn’t think so.

I heard a voice that I knew all too well come out from behind me, in the kitchen area; letting out a loud laugh and I slowly tired to give a nonchalant peak over that area, getting a glimpse of him for the first time in five months. He looked angelic almost, he let his hair grow out a bit and was keeping the clean shaven with a mustache look; something that I told him I loved and he looked incredibly well with. He was standing around the island counter with Sofia’s boyfriend, Willem and a couple of their other close knit friends from their group. He was taking sips off his bottle of beer, before looking over to where I stood; awkwardly with my hip jutted out, and small frown almost on my lips.

He nearly looked as if he seen a ghost and I quickly turned my head away from him, dropping my arms to my side and turning my body away, facing my back towards him as another one of my acquaintances came up; a girlfriend of one of their friends, that barely started dating a month before we broke up, giving her a hug and taking her invitation to come sit ‘with the girls’ over in the den area, thankful to get out of that situation. I was already cursing Sofia out in my head, but also cursing myself out for thinking I’d be okay.

───

An hour and half later, I was only slightly thankful that I came after all; talking with the small group of girls here, mostly catching up on our day to day lives. Until the last shot came into equation and I realized, the burning in my chest was trying to claw its way out; I began trying to pathetically dig for information as they all tried to keep a tight lip, giving each other side eyes and deflecting the situation. Making my pathetic meter ‘ding’ again in my head, realizing I needed to learn how to shut up.

Sofia was going between us and the kitchen, mostly trying to play girlfriend of the year; she always tried to make everybody happy, it was one of the qualities I loved about her. before she stood at the door of the den; letting us know happy birthday was about to be sung and she wanted everybody in there, because she wanted to ‘make the night perfect’ as we all nodded and got up from our positions; filing into the kitchen after her.

The lights were already dimmed as she quickly lit the candles and started up on the song, us following suit as I took a sip of the drink in my hand, leaning against the back of her couch, trying to sit away from the crowd around the counter; singing along lowly. Picking my eyes up from my shoes, looking forward; noticing a pair of blue eyes already trained on me from across the room. I licked my lower lip and took it between my teeth, suddenly not feeling up to finishing the rest of the song and wanting to escape the situation, as soon as possible.

I watched as willem blew out the candles, Sofia giving him a kiss and thanking all of us for coming and I suddenly felt sick to my stomach with the situation, feeling the knot that was in my stomach begin to unravel. Realizing it was my time to make my way out, I’ve over stayed my welcome on this outing. I reluctantly made my way over to Sofia, getting closer to joost in proximity; thanking her for inviting me but making up an excuse about how I ‘had an early morning tomorrow and that I needed to get up early’ and how I’ll text her when I get home, and that we’re still on for dinner next week. I said bye to a few more people quickly, making promises that I’ll be better about replying and making plans with them; trying to make it out the door before I felt the tears spill over onto my cheeks.

Getting to the front door and grabbing my bag from the the pile of coats that had gathered on the bench and quickly making my way back out into the night. I was stupid for thinking I could do this and make it away unscathed, I needed to be scolded like a child who just got a caught with their hand in the cookie jar.

I made it down their front steps and half way down the block before I heard my name being called, and footsteps frantically following. I stopped in my tracks, turning around; noticing joost pushing past a few people running at me, full speed like he was trying to win a marathon. He reached me and let out a hard breath; me instinctively taking a step back and crossing my arms over my chest, trying to look tougher than I was. “What do the fuck do you want?” I let out, him standing up straight and looking at me, “can we talk, please?”

I saw red before I realized my mouth was moving, letting out cries and yells; pushing against his chest as he tried to contain my anger, apologizing to a couple passing us on the street, staring at me like I was crazy. “You’re making a scene.” He hissed at me, grabbing onto my wrists to keep me from pushing into his shoulder again, “so? I have so much anger right now that I could make it worse, this is light work.” I spat out, trying to pull his hands off my wrist.

He dropped my wrists, and I looked up at him; taking his face up close and personal, realizing that all that trash talking I’ve done over the last couple of months maybe wasn’t real, truly not how I actually felt. Knowing, deep down he made me so angry that night he left but also, how many nights I cried over bottle, stalking his social media in the hopes he’d call me.

Looking into his eyes brought something back to me, something I’ve been desperately pushing down inside me; beating it with a bat to ignore it. I still loved and cared for him; I still wanted him to chose me at the end of the day, I would always take him back.

I stood there for a second, going back and forth in my head before I took a drunken step forward and brought my arm up to grab onto his shoulder, snaking my arm around the back of his neck and reached up to press my lips against his; moving them softly against his, noticing his body slightly tense up before bringing his arm around my waist, pushing my body into his, resting his palm against my back. He moved his lips against mine, moving his other hand to hip and softly pulling away, “schat….” He whispered out before I sushed him, “please, just for tonight. Please… come back home. I need you.”

───

We drunkly stumbled into our old shared apartment, it looking a lot more barren lately with his things moved out; feverishly pressing our lips on eachothers exposed flesh. Getting the door closed, we made our way to the couch where we use to stay up, watching movies and cuddling. He laid me down, standing up over me as I pushed my body up onto my elbows; looking up at him through my eyelashes. He got down to his knees and grabbed my leg, pressing a soft kiss to my shin and slowly taking my heel off, following suit with my other heel. “I did always say I like the way your legs looked in these, huh?” He whispered before pressing a quick kiss to my knee and placing his hand on it, signaling to spread my legs apart.

I sat up fully, resting my back against the back of the couch and sunk down slightly; moving my legs apart as I watched him place himself infront of me, pushing my dress up to my stomach. Leaning back, biting his lip as he moved his hand forward, rubbing my already senstive clit through my underwear. I let out a sharp breath, and stiffened my muscles; we hadn’t been intimate in the months leading up to our breakup, mostly due to our schedules and the fighting, meaning it’s been well over eight months since I’ve last had sex.

He let out a chuckle and moved his hands up to the elastic of my underwear, hooking his fingers into it and began to pull them down my legs and I tried to relax my mind and body. As he got them off, I noticed he stuffed them into his back pocket and I swear that alone made me more turned on than I ever had been for him; he always knew how to surprise me.

He placed his hands on my thighs and pushed them even more apart, looking down at my sensitive and dripping core; looking like a predator about to go in for the kill. He brought his hand up and moved his thumb against my swollen nub, illiciting a whine from me as he pushed down softly and started rubbing it in small circles. Bringing his pointer and middle finger down to push into my hole, keeping his other hand planted on my thigh; squeezing it softly. He began to slowly push his fingers in and out of me, while I brought my hands up above my head, grasping onto the couch while I let out soft pathetic whines and moans. Keeping my eyes pressed shut, tightly; I couldn’t bring myself to look him in the eye while he was doing this to me, some form of hatred and feeling sorry about the situation still lurking in my brain.

He kept at for a few minutes, whispering how he was going to make ‘make me cum all over his fingers’ and then finally letting out a, “I missed your pussy so fucking much, leifde.” In a husky tone that made me tip right over the edge, unraveling on his fingers as I let out a strangled cry. He removed his fingers from me as I reopened my eyes, watching him bring them up to my mouth; pushing his fingers into my mouth, letting me taste myself on him. “You were always such a freak, I missed that.” He said, with a heavy look of lust in his eyes as he watched me suck on his fingers.

He pulled away as softly grabbed onto my chin and leaned down, pressing a sloppy wet kiss to my lips before quickly pulling back, moving to take off his shirt and start to unbuckle his pants, “Joost?” I called out from my sitting position, “ja?” I stood up letting out a shaky breath, “can we fuck in the bed? For old times sake? Please?” He looked up to me from his kneeling position, noticing a look of pain flashed over his eyes before nodding a few times.

I started making my way to our old shared bedroom, bringing my fingers to the zipper on my dress; tugging it down and letting the dress hit the floor, moving my hands to the clasp of my bra and undoing it; throwing it over to the pile of laundry that overtaken the corner of the room.

I turned around and sat on the edge of the bed, watching him take in the dark space where we use to sleep together, side by side, every night. I could tell he was slightly nervous and so I leaned forward and began to unbuckle his belt for him, unbuttoning his pants after and pushing them down his thighs. He quickly stepped out of them, pushing them off to the side before leaning forward, putting his hands on either side of on the bed and gave me a deep kiss, pulling away to trail his lips down to my neck and sucking softly at the flesh.

I brought my hand up to the hem of his underwear, pushing my fingers past the elastic as I brushed my fingertips against his stiffened length. He pulled away before grabbing my arm and pulling it away from him; directing to me lay down. I scrambled to get into position, as pathetic as it was; I was excited for this, I spent most nights dreaming about this.

I laid on my back as I watched him remove his boxers and crawl onto the bed, making his way to hover over me before leaning down and pressing a tender kiss to my forehead. “This’ okay?” He whispered and I nodded my head, moving my thighs apart as he reached down to give himself a few swipes at his dick, rubbing it through my folds and finally finding the entrance; pushing the head in as I let out a soft groan. I picked my hips off the bed, in a desperate plea for him to fuck me as he began to push himself down into me, going agonizingly slow; making sure I felt every inch of him.

I moaned out his name as he bottom out inside me, our body’s pressed against eachother as he pressed another kiss to my cheek. He began to thrust his hips in and out, very slowly as if he was punishing me, almost. I let out a few cries as grabbed onto his biceps, him leaning down to take one of my nipples in his mouth; sucking and biting on it softly, making me let out even more desperate cries and pleas. He moved up to push his head into my neck, whispering in my ear, “bring your leg up, baby.” I nodded, knowing exactly what he meant; our old favorite position.

I swung my leg out and brought up over his shoulder, l him helping me by placing his hand on the bed, keeping my leg in place and I fully felt myself stretch around him; feeling him even deeper than before. That’s when he let out a guttural moan, drilling down into me, now with a sense of ergency. He brought his free hand up to begin playing with my nipple, twisting it as I let out a small cry of pleasure.

He let out a chuckle as I looked up at him, his eyes meeting mine as he was pounding into me, “please…” I trailed off, “please what, baby?” He asked me and I blushed, dropping my voice, “please put your hand around my neck. Like old times.” He smiled and nodded, bringing his hand up from my breast to my neck; taking in between his fingers, giving it a slight squeeze on either side of it. I closed my eyes, letting out a cry as I could feel my brain getting lightheaded, finally realizing I was reaching my orgasm, the first organic one I’ve had in ages.

He noticed as my walls clenched around him, squeezing tighter as his thrusts began to get more erratic and sloppy before I finally felt him rut down into my cervix, knowing the face he made when he came; all too well. Mine following shortly afterwards, making my leg twitch as it fell from his shoulder and onto the bed.

He leaned forward and pressed a small kiss to the area beside my lip and sat there for a second, slowly pulling himself out of me before flopping onto the bed next to me. I let out a couple of deep breaths, recollecting myself before I heard him call out my name, turning towards him and he motioned for me to come closer; moving into his chest as he wrapped his arms around me, pulling me into his chest and rubbing my shoulder.

We sat there for an hour saying nothing as he rubbed my back and pressed kisses to the top of my head every once and a while, finally relaxing against each others touch as I slowly felt myself drift off into a restless slumber.

───

I awoke about three hours later, noticing the sun coming up and looked over to the space next to me, that was just being occupied by my ex boyfriend only to notice it empty. I sat up quickly and noticed his frame sitting at the edge of our once shared bed, fully clothed and pulling his shoes on. I called out his name, pulling the sheet up over my exposed body only for him to let out a exasperated sigh and stand up, “I shouldn’t have come over here last night, this was a mistake. For both of us.” He said in a flat tone, turning around to face me.

I looked up to him and noticed that he had his phone in his hand, pinging a couple times; signaling an incoming text. I hurriedly got off the bed and reached for a shirt from the floor, one of the ones he left that I’ve worn almost every night since and pulled it over my head, grabbing some underwear and slipping it on; trying to at least defend some of my dignity while looking at the fully clothed man in my bedroom.

I watched him walk into the living room, crossing my arms across my chest and followed after him. “Wait, what’s going on? I mean, I know this probably wasn’t good for both of us but-“ I started rambling as he stopped in the middle of the living room, turning towards me, saying my name softly to get me to shut up. “That’s what I wanted to talk about actually, I uh, actually been hanging out with somebody.” His eyes caught mine and I backed up slightly, feeling my world start being torn apart as I thought I was gonna start dry heaving. “W-what?” Was all I choke out as I moved to the couch, sitting on the arm of it. “I needed to tell you because she was suppose to be there last night, and I didn’t know you were going to be there. I mean, I should’ve guessed since you and Sofia are close and willem mentioned in passing but… I wanted to talk about it since it’s bound to happen again.” He stood there awkwardly, shoving his hands in his pocket.

I suddently felt a pang of anger hit my chest as I looked up at him, shaking my head, “are you fucking serious right now?” His eyes widened and I stood up, “we were together for 3 years and it only took you four months?” I took a shaky breath and threw my hands up in the air, moving over to him and pushing against his arm, “this isn’t fucking fair to me, Joost.” I almost wailed out as he grabbed onto my wrists for the second time tonight, locking them into place.

“I know, schat. I know.” He murmured as I let the tears well up in my eyes, “no you don’t fucking know because all you ever do is put yourself fucking first. You always did.” I cried out as I pulled my arms away from him sinking down into the floor as I pulled my knees into my chest and buried my head in my arms, letting out strangled sobs. He sat down next to me and wrapped his arm around my shoulder and pulled my body into his, wrapping his other arm infront to hug me into his body; now I felt truly pathetic.

We sat like that for another fourty minutes as he pressed kisses onto my head and tried soothing me, before picking me up and moving me back to, what he called ‘your bed’; that comment breaking me even more as I curled into a ball and told him to get, ‘the fuck out of my flat’ before he let out a sigh, tapping my thigh a few times before I heard him shuffle out of the room and out of the once shared flat, shutting the door behind him.

I spent a couple more hours crying in bed and feeling sorry for myself until I decided I needed water and pulled myself out of the bed, stabilizing myself and making my way to the kitchen and pouring myself a glass of water and taking small sips, noticing my hand shaking when I tried to pick the glass up. I decided that maybe trying to pick up my mess would help distract my mind even just for five minutes, knowing I needed those five minutes.

As I went to grab my discarded dress and bra from last night, crumpling them up and pulling them into my chest before looking for my underwear last night. I moved around the front room as I checked on the floor, leaning down to check under the coffee table and couch; even between the cushions and in my bedroom, maybe thinking I forgot where they got discarded. I threw my dirty clothes in my over flowing hamper, as I sat up quickly, in horror remembering watching my ex boyfriend pocket my underwear last night.

I hurriedly made my way to grab my cellphone, noticing I had a new incoming text message from “joost DO NOT ANSWER” that came in and hour ago. I quickly unlocked my phone, pulling up the first text message I’ve gotten from him in almost two months. It was a picture, from what I assumed was his new bedroom in his new flat, holding my underwear in his hands, around his hardened cock, with the text following it; ‘hopefully u don’t miss these because ur not getting them back.’