#joostposting

I heard my alarm clock go off as groaned, quickly stirring up out of my deep sleep that I was enjoying. I turned around in my bed and noticed it was seven in the morning, on the dot. I took a deep breathe and started pushing my way out of bed; beginning my morning routine.

Things have gotten a lot better in the last month or so, I finally started to feel at home here. Johannes even offered me a full time position at the shop, he even offered to help me look into applying for some kind of permanent solution to actually stay here. We had dinner last week, after I was struggling at work and I finally opened up to him; much to his horror. He kept telling me, ‘we’re gonna figure out something’ and ‘I’m not sending you back to that environment’

It had been over four weeks since I last saw a certain blonde haired musician, after reading his text message that came in that night; I did something completely deplorable. I snuck into my bedroom as I tried to use his sleeping face for the Face ID on his phone, finally getting it to work after a few tries. An hour later, and scrolling through multiple text threads and finding out there had to be at least three other women. I heard a “what the fuck are doing?” From behind me as I was huntched over, sitting on my knees on my couch.

That lead to at least a three hour fight as he kept throwing words like ‘psycho’ and ‘insane’ towards me as I cried and tried to defend myself, finally ending our fight with a “we’re not even together, this is ridiculous.” As he walked out of my apartment, slamming my door behind him.

After that, I took some deep reflection on my habits and trauma; deciding it was time to turn a new leaf. I needed to try and move on from my past, as much as it was going to hurt; oh boy it hurt despite the strides I was making. I allowed myself to start opening up more and making connections, allowing my coworkers to invite me places and make friends with their friends. Allowing myself to feel my hurt and pain, and crying it out. I even started looking into therapy, once I got my status in place.

And that’s how I met Mark. We’ve been hanging out for the last two weeks or so, nothing serious at all but he’s been making actual efforts to get to know me and make plans with me. I met him at a dinner party that I got invited to by a friend of a friend I met through Maria; he was quiet and shy until he made a sarcastic joke while we were sat next to each other and I piggybacked off his joke, making both of us have to stifle our laughter. He was safe, he worked in IT for a company in the city and had his own condo, two cats and was raised by a single mother and two older sisters.

That’s how I ended up with plans for this Saturday night, he told me to clear my schedule because he absolutely just had to see me and wanted to take me out; even if we had just had dinner at his place the Thursday before, and went to see a movie on Monday.

I made my way through the streets of the city, deciding heels weren’t my best friend tonight. I looked down at the strappy platforms I decided on and cursed myself before moving my handbag strap farther up my shoulder and trucking along before seeing a familiar face in the crowd. “Beautiful!” He called out to me and I hurried my pace up, forming a big smile and threw my arms around Mark as I got near him. “Well, if it isn’t the most beautiful girl here in the Netherlands,” he quipped and gave me a small kiss on my cheek while helping me pull down the back of my dress that had ridden up as I gave him a hug. “And if it isn’t the most sweetest and handsome man in the Netherlands, standing right in front of me.” I replied back, pushing the slight feeling of ‘ick’ that popped into my brain; telling myself this is the new me. The new me doesn’t get the ick with nice men, she welcomes them in her life with open arms.

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Fourty minutes later and we were situated in a bar area that apparently had the best food in Rotterdam, as he put it. It was a nice change of pace not wanting to drink to get absolutely hammered and instead, have a few drinks with dinner.

Mark was telling me something about what was happening in his current workplace drama. When I heard a voice that I knew all too well behind me, enter into the bar area. I swiftly took a sharp breath, and moved my hand to my vodka cran; pulling it up and taking two large gulps of it. I cut Mark off, telling him sorry but I had to go to the bathroom real quick and how I was just dying to hear the rest of his story but I was about to pee myself. He let out a laugh and waved me off in a friendly manor.

I quickly got up from the table; cursing that of course the bathroom was towards the front of the space. I quickly turned around and scanned the area, locking my eyes on my avoided target; a certain blonde boy named Joost Klein, who was accompanied by a few friends and what looked to be a small model-like girl, who was hanging off his arm and letting her head rest against his bicep.

I took a deep breathe and told myself, ‘you’re okay.’ As I tried to duck behind other tables and patrons of the bar, basically crawling on the wall to try and avoid him. Realizing I probably looked like a freak, but I’d rather look like a freak than embarrass myself in any other way. I successfully made it past them as I walked into the women’s restroom and made my way to the sinks; turning the water on and washing my hands, aptly splashing some water onto my face. I looked up into the mirror and tried giving myself a pep talk, about how I was a ‘bad-ass bitch’ and how I deserve to be here as much as anybody else, even if I only half believed my mantras.

Ten minutes had gone by before I doubled checked myself in the mirror one more time after replying my lipgloss and gave myself a nod. Making my way to the door and flinging it open, right as person who I was dreading seeing began walking down the hall to the men’s restroom. He abruptly stopped in his tracks as I stood in the doorway, slightly beginning to panic. He almost looked like he seen a ghost, and I couldn’t imagine my expression was much better.

“Uh… um, hey.” He said and I almost wanted to start backing into the bathroom and spend the rest of my night there, “hi.” Came out of my mouth before realizing it, I made my way out of the door and let it slam behind me before slightly inching toward him; realizing there was realistically only a couple feet between us. “Um… how are you?” He rubbed the back of his neck, “I’m fine. How are you?” I replied lowly, beginning to pick at my cuticle. “Fine….” He trailed off and that’s when I noticed he moved his eyes down my body; specifically my chest. That fucker.

“I actually have to get back to my table, my dates waiting for me.” I started walking forward, trying to push past him. “Date?” He asked, it almost sounding hurt. I nodded and moved my hand to his shoulder, slightly pushin him. “Yeah, date. I kind of, sort’ve, met somebody.” I nodded to myself and finally got past him, “and it looks like you did to. Or at least somebody for the night.” I said over my shoulder and sauntered off before even giving him a chance to reply to my snarky comment.

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After the small set back, the night went really good despite it all. I noticed joost and his friends quickly left after our awkward encounter in that hallway and I had a good dinner and allowed myself to get slightly tipsy. Mark insisted to at least walking me to the metro station, I still wasn’t comfortable letting him in his space yet and he respected that, which in turn made me realize that being truly respected was nice.

I got into my apartment, and started taking my shoes off and gave myself a deep breath and started up my mantras again, hoping they would help whatever feeling I had deep in my stomach at the moment. I decided a shower was much needed, and maybe one of the canned cocktails that Mark had gifted me a four pack of after mentioning I liked it. I grabbed one of the cans from my fridge, opening it and grabbing my small speaker from my counter; going to get myself set up in my bathroom. I walked back out and grabbed my phone from my purse, remembering I had told Mark I’d text him when I got home.

I unlocked my phone as noticed a notification from none other the man I’ve been trying to forget about for the last couple weeks. I furrowed my brow and opened it seeing he sent me his location, followed by a ‘come over.’ I quickly closed out of the thread before moving over to the text thread with Mark and sending him a quick ‘made it home’ text, connecting my phone to the speaker and turning some music on low.

I finally made it into the shower, washing my day off my skin and hair. Twenty minutes later, I finally felt clean enough and got out of the shower; turning it off. Quickly getting my robe on and beginning to dry my hair off, I heard my phone start ringing, without thinking I picked it up and and brought it to my ear. “Hello?” I asked into the microphone, “schat.” I heard come through the phone, and I my eyes snapped open, “what do you want.” I asked in an accusing tone, recognizing that voice all too well.

“I know you saw my text, I want you to come over.” He replied. “Are you drunk? On some type of hard drugs? Have you fallen and hit your head in the last twenty four hours, and could possibly need to go to the emergency room?” I replied, in a rude tone and moved into my living room, sitting on my couch.

“I had a few beers, no and no,” he said, “I just…. I’m thinking about you in that dress. And thinking about whatever nerd had the pleasure of taking it off of you tonight.” I laughed, genuinely let out a guttural laugh and went on, “and even if somebody did get to take it off me tonight, what does that have to do with you?” I heard him take a breath in that sounded like it came through his teeth, “It doesn’t have anything to do with me but that doesn’t stop me getting annoyed about the thought of your pretty, tight pussy around some other’s cock, baby.”

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An hour later on the phone later, I was in the back of a ride share service car, biting my nails. After going back and forth, until he started talking dirty to me in Dutch; I realized I might need to do this, truly the ‘go back till you hate them’ method. I promised that after tonight, I was truly a changed woman. I had a gnawing feeling in the back of my brain and stomach, knowing it had to do with the man I was on a date with just a couple hours ago, I knew I was gonna have to tell him but that’s for me to worry at a later date.

My phone kept going off with pings signaling incoming text messages, mostly telling me what he was gonna do to me and a couple explicit photos of him from what looked like his couch. I thumbed up the pictures and sent a few sexts back, mostly half assing them.

The driver slowly came to a stop, and said something to me softly in dutch, I think about how this was my stop. I gave them a quiet, ‘thank you’ and made my way out of the car; clutching onto my bag as I felt the breeze hit my bare legs. I decided on wearing a pair of sleep shorts and tshirt, he didn’t get anything special out of me. I quickly made my way up to the door and unlocked my phone sending a ‘im here’ text before shoving my phone in my bag; after turning my location off. I crossed my arms over my chest and shifted my weight over to one leg while waiting a few minutes.

I heard fumbling with the lock and the door slowly creeped open, revealing him standing there; shirtless and in a pair of pajama pants hanging low on his waist. He gave me a smirk as he opened the door wider, taking a step back and motioning for me to come in. I rolled my eyes and began to walk into the space, feeling stupid and embarrassed I found myself in this situation but I had nobody to blame but myself at this point.

I took a few steps in, looking around the front entrance of his home while I heard him close and lock the door behind me, slowly creeping up and snaking his arms around my waist; placing his hands on my stomach and pushing the tips of his fingers into the top elastic of my shorts. “I knew you would come,” he said in a low voice and he pressed a kiss to the side of my head, “and I’m so glad you did.”

I bit my lip and decided to play into it, pushing my back up and his chest and leaning my head back into his shoulder, “I’m so glad I came to, hopefully in more than one way tonight.” He let out a chuckle before removing his hands from my waist and walking into the main living area, calling out for me to follow. He motioned to his couch, which I noticed was leads better than mine and asked if I wanted anything to drink. “I’m all out of wine but I have beer,” he teased me as he made his way into what I assumed was the kitchen and I yelled out that should be fine. He returned with two open bottles of beer, handing one down to me as he sat next to me on the couch, picking up his remote and pressing play on whatever he had paused from before. I nervously took a sip of the beer and kept my hand on my knee, staring straight ahead.

“Liefde,” he whispered, and I looked over, “you don’t have to be so scared. Its only me.”

I nodded and took another chug of the beer, moving forward to sit on the coffee table, removing my bag from my shoulder and letting it slip onto the floor; while kicking my shoes off. I could feel his eyes bore into the side of my head before I slowly leaned back into the couch, picking my legs up to tuck them under me and turn towards him. He took a big swig of his beer and followed suit, setting it next to mine on the table. “Come over here, come closer.” He commanded me and I began to lean forward, slightly crawling towards him like scared puppy. He smiled and brought his hand up to my face as soon as I was close enough and rubbed his thumb over my jaw.

“I don’t know what it is about you and driving me nuts, making me think about you all the time. Making me so fucking mad. Making jealous.” He almost spat that last part at me, before grabbing onto my chin and bringing my face forward to crash his lips onto mine, kissing me with force and power. I closed my eyes and let my lips work around his, placing my hands on his thigh and felt his bulge rub up against the side of my fingers. He pulled away and I let my eyes snap back open, he looked at me for a good second, licking his lip and smirking; “But it looks like I won anyways tonight, I have you here right now.”

He let go of my chin and asked me to lay back onto the couch and I followed commands, laying back and resting my head on one of the decorative throw pillows. He sat on the other side of the couch, palming himself through his thin pajama pants and said my name in a low voice that almost made me melt right into the fake leather of his couch. “What?” I asked, “I want you to touch yourself for me.” He threw out into the air and let out a deep breath, as I harshly bit down on my lower lip. “Okay,” I replied, “but only if you do it at the same time.”

He nodded and I stood up, moving my shorts and underwear down my legs and sitting back on the couch, as I watched him shimmy out of his pants; cock springing out. I lazily moved my leg up onto the back of the couch, resting the foot of my other on the floor; giving him a full display. He stopped for a second, staring at me with amazement as I noticed his pupils dilate. I gave him a half nod and moved my hand down my stomach and onto my own clit, slowly moving my fingers in small circles as he moved his hand to his dick; beginning to tug on it slowly.

I leaned my head back and leaned my hips up into my hands, picking up pace before I heard him call out to me, “keep your eyes on me.” I picked up head up lazily and push my fingers down my folds, pushing them in myself, pumping them a few times before bringing them back to up to my most sensitive area. I watched as his lazily jerked his own dick, moving his eyes between my face and my fingers going to work.

This went on for a few more minutes before he let go of himself, and I followed his lead. Dropping my leg back down, resting my foot down on the top of his calf. “Fuck,” he muttered, “come here again. Stand in front of me.” He began to sit up straight on the couch as I stood up, coming to stand in front of him. “On your knees.” He directed me, before I slowly dropped to them; folding my legs under me as he moved his fingertips to the hem of my shirt, helping me take it off; leaving both of us fully naked and exposed.

“I’ve tasted you and now I think it’s my turn to get pleasured.” He leaned back, slightly spreading his legs. I bit my lip and looked up to him through my eyelashes, nodding and moved forward, taking his rock hard length into my hand moving my body up; sitting over it before letting some spit dribble out of my mouth onto the tip of his dick, as he let out a sharp breath and bit his lip. I began moving my hand up and down, opening my mouth open and moving my head down, letting my mouth fully engulf the tip. Flattening my tongue out against the bottom of it and moving down, hearing him let a out a string of ‘fucks’, before quickly moving back up, finding my rhythm for the next couple minutes.

I reached the tip again, circling the tip with my tongue as I bought my hands to his thighs, grabbing onto them as he let out the most pathetic moans into the air. “You keep that up and I’m gonna cum all over your face again.” He let out a sigh and brought his hand down to push some hair off my shoulder. I moved off his dick and set the side of my head on his thigh, looking up to him once again. Taking in how the moonlight hit his skin from the wide windows in his living room, as I watched his chest move up and down rapidly.

“I want to fuck you.” He finally let out as he sat up from his position on the couch and ran the back of his knuckles on my cheek bone, as I nodded in complacency. I moved back and felt my shoulders hit the coffee table, placing my hands on the edge and lifting myself up from my kneeling position. He watched from his position, taking a few swipes at his dick as I decided it was my turn to take command of the situation, moving over to the couch and climbing onto it; setting my knees on the edge and letting my head rest against the back of the couch.

“Then come fuck me.” I said as I closed my eyes, feeling him push himself up from his sitting position. I waited for a few seconds before I felt his hand grab my ass, rubbing his thumb over the skin and quickly letting his core meet mine; slowing pushing his tip into my open and aching hole. He started pushing down into me while I let out a string of whines and moans. “Fuck,” he started, bringing his free hand up to my shoulder, “so tight and warm…. Just like I remembered. I don’t think I can share this pussy with anybody.” He let out an almost whine as he reached my cervix, sitting there for a few minutes.

I folded my arms across the back of the couch and laid my head down, he mumbled something I didn’t catch before pulling his hips away from my ass and began thrusting against me. I bit my lip as I let out small mewls and whines, calling out his name as I could feel his hand sneak up my spine, resting his hand on my shoulder and slightly pulling me back; moving my hands to hold my body weight up. “Fuck, moppie. You feel so good. I don’t know how I’m suppose to last long in you.” He groaned behind me as his hand slowly made its was up my collar bone and rested his fingers on the front of my chest.

I took a shaky breath and moved to pick my hand up, putting it ontop of his as I moved his hand to my throat; encouraging him to grab onto it. “You stretch me out so good, better than anybody could.” I felt his fingers clasp onto the sides of my throat as he let out a strangled cry, I could tell his orgasm was coming so I started moving my hips back to meet his; letting his pelvic bone bounce against my ass.

A few more thrusts and I could feel him come unraveled as I felt the soft liquid of his cum pool inside of me, he let out a string of whispers as he removed his hand from my throat and set it against my shoulder and leaned forward; resting his body against my back. “Holy shit,” was I all I picked up before I felt a pair of lips connect with my shoulder blade. He leaned back up and slowly started pulling out of me, telling me to stay still while he went to go grab something to wipe me up with.

He quickly left the room, as I stayed in my position; feeling completely vulnerable and trying to push back terrible thoughts in my head; I kept telling myself this was exposure therapy and maybe letting him fuck me from behind would help unravel all the trauma behind it. He quickly came back into the room and squatted behind me, pushing what felt like a warm washcloth to my center and wiped me down, moving his hand up to my ass and spreading it slightly; trying to clean me thourougly. I felt him drop his arm as I felt his lips connect with my pussy, giving it a soft kiss before he stood back up.

I took a deep breath and started standing up myself, shaking slightly and moved to grab my shirt and shorts. “What are you doing?” He asked in a puzzled tone, “I’m gonna get dressed so I can head back home… where’s your bathroom?” He raised his eyebrow at me, “well the bathrooms over there if you have to pee or something…. But you know you could stay the night?” I turned around to look up at him, holding my crumpled clothes against my chest and letting out small sniffle, trying to push some tears back from my eyes.

His face softened and he moved forward, grabbing my clothes from my hands and throwing them on his couch. “Are you okay? Was this okay for you?” He asked me and that alone made something in me break as the tears sprung forward, rushing down my cheeks. He pulled me into his chest and started petting the back of my hair, giving the top of my head a kiss. “We don’t have to talk about it.” Was all he mumbled as I nodded, against his chest.

We stood like that for a few more moments as he suddenly leaned down, bringing the back of my thighs into his hands and lifted me up against his body, wrapping my legs around his hips as he kept his hand steady on my back. He slightly wobbled as he started backing up, making his way through the living area and down a hall; into a dimly lit space and I realized it was his bedroom.

He sat me down on the edge and told me to make myself comfortable, I nodded in a submissive nature and laid back; laying my head on the pillow and pulling my knees up slightly towards my chest and moving one of my hands underneath my head. I felt the bed behind me slightly dip and felt his presence behind me, pulling the sheet over our bodies until he he settled in, moving his arm around me and his chin ontop of my head.

“We can’t keep doing this,” I whispered, “it can’t be good for either of us.” I felt him huff slightly and hum out, “I know, schat.” He whispered out into the darkness, “I wish I could’ve met you at a different part of my life, maybe when I wasn’t so broken and not repairable.” I whispered back to him. I felt him press a kiss to the top of my head, “do you actually think that? That you can’t be fixed?”

I closed my eyes and let a deep sigh out, “sometimes. Yeah, I feel like something in me is just… not right and can never be right again. I mean, I just… don’t know.” He tightened the grip on my waist and said, “nobody’s truly evil. We all make mistakes at the end of the day.” I nodded and moved my hand down to his, setting my palm onto the back of his hand, rubbing my fingers over the flesh of his fingers.

“So… that date you were on?” I could tell he was nervous to ask me, almost like he was testing the waters. “It’s just some guy I met at dinner party, nothing serious I guess. I don’t know, I think he likes me more than I like him.” I felt him slightly stir behind me, “is that so?” I let out a soft ‘mhm’ and laced my fingers through his.

A couple moments of silence followed before he broke it, “let me take you on a date. An actual date.” I opened my eyes and whispered, “you want to?” I felt him nod, “yeah, let me make up for this. How I should’ve done it in the first place. Take you to dinner, have a conversation with you… get to know about you, on a deeper level.”

I sleepily agreed and felt his body relax against mine as he nuzzled his face into my neck, slowly letting sleep overtake both of our bodies.