#joke dump

- the scenery is always a beautiful dreamy garden where no pain, death or the slightest distress can enter

- Krishna and Radha are always in flirtatious, loving mood

- Krishna shows himself as the supreme shelter of all beings always being surrounded by animals, plants and people

- Krishna is either with his fav gal Radha or hooking up with other thousands of gopikas

- the most painful thing that can happen is when Krishna leaves Radha and she cries

- Krishna calls the attention of all beings by either dancing or playing flute sweetly

- Radha shows herself as the compassionate mother by interceding in favor of all beings

- Krishna steals items and gives them as gifs for their devotees

- Krishna and Radha usually get on the first base, exchanging flirtatious looks and courtship

- Radha shows her power over Krishna by dancing for him

- Symbols of Radha-Krishna are flutes, peacock feathers, veils, flowers

- Radha shows service to Krishna by giving him pleasure through dance and cuddling

- Radha's adornments are jewels, flowers and her lovely smile. Her hair is braided and her dress is elegant and modest. She's covered in a veil.

- Radha is the embodiment of devotion and service 🙏

Shiva and Shakti get like:

- the scenery is either a hidden, boring, cold mountain or cremation grounds

- Shiva and Shakti are always engaging in epic discussions that sometimes end up putting the whole fucking universe in danger

- Shiva shows himself as the supreme shelter of all beings by always being surrounded by ghosts, ghouls, corpses and weird and dirty devotees who like to roam around cemiteries

- Shakti shows herself as the compassionate mother by engaging in gore and ferocious battles with demons to save her devotees from their ego

- Shiva gets pissed and burns up someone alive because yes

- shiva and shakti engage in wild, savage sex because yes

- shakti ends up dying somehow

- shiva gets all beings attention by hollowing and setting fire on everything

- Shakti shows her power over Shiva by dancing ON him

- Symbols of ShivaShakti are ashes, corpses, cremation grounds and severed limbs.

- Shakti shows her devotion to shiva by stepping on his chest, using him as a couch or a sex slave

- Shakti's adornments are severed limbs, bones and her beast-like fangs. Her hair is untamed and...clothes? LOL. She's covered in blood.

Didn't have much time to write jokes last week.  Boooooooooo.

Elwood, the 2007 winner of the World's Ugliest Dog Competition, died last week.  He's expected to win the competition again next year.

An unknown Los Angeles man had his entire life upstaged yesterday after accidentally killing a celebrity in a car crash.

With Paul Walker's death this weekend filming of Fast and the Furious 7 has been delayed, but they still plan on continuing with production.  And here Paul Walker's stand-in thought he was having a BAD week!

A woman in Colorado, who gave haircuts while topless, is facing criminal charges for, surprisingly, operating without a barber's license.  Said one sad customer, "Great, guess it's back to never cutting my hair."

As per tradition, President Obama saved two Turkeys from the table by pardoning them the day before Thanksgiving.  Said Uncles everywhere, "Yeah, probably a couple of jive turkeys if you know what I mean." 

UK citizen Neil Harbisson, who uses an eye-piece that allows his to see color, became the first government-recognized cyborg. 

Which also makes me the first cyborg bigot.  I fucking hate them with their stupid eye-things, goofy noses, and dumb bowl-cuts.

The National Zoo celebrated the first 100 days of their newest baby Panda's life by naming her,"Bao Bao."  Which is short for "Bao Bao, CHICK... CHICKA CHIKA!"

Cyber Monday sales were up 17.5% this year, setting new records for hundreds of websites.  Even healthcare.gov had a good day by offering plans to 10 whole people! Wowie zowie!

After the Auburn's amazing last second touchdown return against Alabama this weekend, a woman was shot to death by an angry Crimson Tide fan.  It's too bad the women couldn't catch the bullet and run it right back at the Alabama fan.

Police in Iceland shot and killed a criminal for the first time in their country's history.  And fun fact: a criminal shot a Police Officer in Greenland for the first time ever.

Vacation all I ever wanted! Vacation wrote less jokes this week!

In Pennsylvania Amish country yesterday, a horse pulling a buggy was shot to death in a drive-by shooting.  Police say to be on the lookout for notorious criminals, Pony & Clydesdale. 

Former Vice President Al Gore switched to a vegan diet this week.  Um, Mr. Vice President, your vegan farts are not going to help global warming. 

San Francisco's Make-A-Wish superstar, Batkid, has been making the talk show rounds this week.  Of all the Batmans, Batkid seems to be the most like Christian Bale’s Batman.  Mostly because people are gonna feel ripped-off when he doesn't die.

Tickets for the long awaited Monty Python reunion show sold out in a record 43.5 seconds.  Which is 42.5 seconds slower than the time it took Python member Eric Idle to sell out.

On March 24, 2016, Scotland will finally gain its independence from the United Kingdom.  The 24th of March... Boy that date is going to just roll right off their Scottish tongues.  "Habby Twendy Fooorth of Marsh!"

Clint Eastwood's daughter married Jonah Hill's brother in Las Vegas last weekend.  Said me in the future, "Oh THAT'S why Jonah Hill is in a Clint Eastwood movie."

Actress Jennifer Love Hewitt gave birth to a baby girl yesterday.  "Dibs on that baby!" cried baby boys everywhere.

Authorities discovered a a woman in Belgium had been sleeping beside the corpse of her dead husband for over a year.  Explained the widow, "It was his job to take out the garbage!"

Scientists want everyone to know that tryptophan in turkey is not what makes you tired on Thanksgiving.  Said one Scientist, "Listening to family members with different opinions is what really makes you tired."

A "suspicious package" that put an Oklahoma police station on high alert yesterday, turned out to be a burrito wrapped in foil.  While it was harmless, the police did stop a potential bomb from being dropped in the station bathroom.

A op-ed by former ESPN vice president, Roxanne Jones says that men should get text message proof of consent before intercourse to avoid false rape charges... Or at least grab her phone while she's passed-out and text yourself.

Lebron James hosted a Thanksgiving dinner for all of his fellow teammates in Cleveland.  Well, everyone except for Chris Bosh who got Lebron and Dwayne Wade's leftovers. 

You know, these Joke Dumps are the closest thing I've ever had to a journal/diary.   Dear, Joke Dump... the news makes me depressed... byee!

A Florida woman responsible for causing a car accident that claimed the lives of two people reportedly tweeted "2 drunk 2 care" a few hours before the crash.  Luckily a Judge promptly replied, "2 years 2 life #GavelSlam"

Starfish all along the west coast are contracting a mysterious disease that causes their bodies to disintegrate.  I've said it before; these two should not be mating!

The Clinton family will visit the grave site of President John F Kennedy for the 50th anniversary of his assassination. To show his respect, President Clinton plans to leave a bouquet of stained black dresses on the grave.

Two Civil War museums in Richmond, Virginia, one that focuses on Southern history and the other on Northern and Slavery History, are teaming up to form a brand new museum.  The only stipulation being that the confederate-centric museum must start paying their volunteers.

U.S. Sen. Chuck Schumer is trying to extend a law that banned the 3D printing of guns before it expires this December.  It's looking like their inability to make this law permanent in the first place is backfiring quicker than a 3D printed gun.

A family in New York was saved from a burning building by a man with one arm and one leg.  The man says he owes his life saving skills to the "hop, drop, and roll"  technique.

Sanitation workers went back to work in Madrid, Spain today after after a 13 day strike that left the city littered with garbage.  Clean up sounds like a real, Spain in the trash.

A Dolphin that was found in a creek in Brooklyn, New York last week, has died.  Said the Dolphin, "Just so all y'all Dolphins know, I beached myself in Brooklyn before it was cool. Eek."

A Walmart in Ohio is holding a food drive so that their employees can "enjoy a thanksgiving dinner."  But not on Thanksgiving Day of course, because they should be working.

A Philadelphia man was charged with reckless endangerment after he drove his car on the Philadelphia Museum of Art's steps like in the movie "Rocky."  Police explained that the problem wasn't driving his car up the steps like Rocky, it was the hundreds of children in cars driving up behind him.

A Pennsylvania man was arrested for stealing a backhoe and driving it to Philadelphia.  Said the man, "It was a backhoe?! No wonder I never made it to Pittsburgh!"  

Also, the man's name was William Michael Pusey.  No joke here.  Just a funny name.

Actor Hugh Jackman revealed this week that he was diagnosed with skin cancer.  Man, I bet he wishes he had the skin of his character in the movie Swordfish!  You know, because he would have been a computer hacker who stayed inside all day.  Yup, definitely that character.

BOOK NEWS!!!!

According to toxicology tests done on the 10 most popular library books, researchers found that "Fifty Shades of Grey" tested positive for herpes.  Explained the book's publisher, "It's one of our Choose-Your-Own-Adventure features."

The researchers also discovered that ALL of the top 10 books tested positive for trace amounts of cocaine.  I believe it.  The best way to understand a book is to read between the lines.

A library in Chicago is allowing the viewing of pornography, but only on certain "adults only" computers.  Explained one Librarian, "We obviously want to protect minors, so the child pornography will be in a different section."

A transgender student in La Faeira, Texas, who identifies as male, was removed from his school's yearbook for dressing as a boy in his photo.  This is terrible!  How is he going to know to have a great summer?!

BOOK NEWS OVER!!!!

A Florida man who was arrested for flashing his genitals earlier this month claims he was merely "airing out" his penis.  Explained the man, "SEE!"

George Zimmerman is at it again!  Zimmerman was arrested yesterday for allegedly pointing a gun at his girlfriend.  She's gotta get outta there!   I'm worried he's going to give her a BLACK eye just to have an excuse to shoot her in the face.

After decades of separation due to creative differences, famed British comedy group, Monty Python told the BBC this week that they'll be reuniting for a stage show... And now for something completely indifferent.

Specially trained Beagles used to smell if a Polar Bear is pregnant or not have predicted that there will be fewer cubs born in American Zoos next year.  They also predicted that more beagles would be eaten by Polar Bears.

On the top deck of the Celebrity Solstice cruise ship, crew members have been growing a half-acre lawn for the guests they call, "the backyard."  Said the ship's captain, "It's so easy to maintain! With a boat full of Fathers looking to get away from their families, there's no shortage of help."

Charles Manson, who is behind bars for the brutal murders 9 people including actress Sharon Tate and her unborn child, recently got engaged to a 25 year old woman.  Because you can't spell, "A Sad Freak Show Tied The Knot," without, "Hot Forehead Swastika Dent"... and an extra ‘K’ of course. The anagram was close, so sue me!   

Entree options for their wedding reception include pork, pork, or pork.

TMZ reports a handyman stole sex photos of actor Nic Cage and his girlfriend from her house.  "My career is over!" said Cage before any of this even happened.

A poultry farm in Henniker, New Hampshire has been plumping up their turkeys by feeding them beer. Because why eat a plain old turkey on Thanksgiving, when you can eat a date-raped turkey.

A man in Russia was arrested after he nailed his testicles to the ground in protest of the Government.  And that, children, is how Russian babies are born.

A 13 year old boy in Garnett, Kansas was suspended after he refused to stop wearing his Vera Bradley purse.  "It's not the type of thing a boy should be wearing in my school." said Principal Michael Kors. 

Starting tomorrow, troops from Communist China's People's Liberation Army will touch ground in Hawaii which marks the first time this has ever happened in American history.  Great, now even our troops are made in China.

Disney Theatrical Productions announced yesterday that they're turning "The Princes Bride" into a stage production.  Well, classic-film-adored-by-everyone... prepare to die.

According to recent data, fewer than 50,000 people have enrolled for Obamacare at HealthCare.gov.  That may sound low, but if everyone is like me, they're holding out for the Cyber Monday deals!

Instagram is implementing a new series of filters to block the sale of illegal drugs that has started on their website.  I bet it's the "1977" filter.

Scientists from the Bristol Robotics Laboratory have created a self-sustaining robot called the EcoBot that has a small robot heart powered by human urine.  Yes!  We've finally reached the point where sex-robots will NEED to suck our dicks.

The FDA announced that they will be banning Trans Fats.  Oh man, obese LGBT groups are gonna be mad.

An Animal rights activist in Ohio took her own life and the lives of her 31 rescue dogs by loading them all into her car and leaving it running in her garage.  Official cause of death: hearing the most horrific sound in the world.

A woman named Linda Ducharme and her husband Bruce recently renewed their marriage vows, but get this, her husband is a Ferris Wheel.  It's amazing she stayed faithful though their relationship's ups and downs.

Residents of a predominately Black neighborhood in Florida were shocked to find Klu Klux Klan flyers all over their yards.  They were outraged until they signed up for reasonably priced guitar lessons with KKK Kenny.

A school board in Florida is considering changing the name of a predominantly black high school named after the first grand wizard of the KKK.  Said the former grand wizard's family, "Ugh yuck, please get his name off that school."

A controversial new worker safety bill in California would require pornstars to wear goggles to protect them from STDs.  I'd say take it a step further and make some of them wear bags over their heads to protect us from their faces.  Woof.

A man in Southern California was arrested after he attacked a cab driver with a didgeridoo.  Said the cab driver while getting attacked, "Owwwowowowowowwowowwowowowowowowowowowowowow." You know, like a didgeridoo noise.  

Two Secret Service members were removed from the Presidential Detail after they allegedly sexually harassed a woman and tried to enter her hotel room by saying they accidentally left a bullet in her room.  I can't tell if that' the dumbest pick-up line in the world, or the dumbest threat.

Ming the Clam, the 507 year old, oldest living animal on Earth, died this week after scientist opened it up to test its age.  Which means Betty White now has the oldest clam on Earth.

To promote the 2014 Sochi Winter Olympics in Moscow, Russia, Subway Stations are giving out free train ticket to anyone who can do 30 squats in 2 minutes.  I'm coining a new phrase everyone!  Ooo that girl's got a butt like a homeless Russian.

A man in Florida was arrested for masturbating while waiting in line at the DMV. And yet, he still wasn't the rudest person there.

Scientists at the University of Texas at Austin have made strides in perfecting an invisibility cloak by making the electronics thinner and lighter. Said one of the scientists, "It works so well that we feel like we're in high school again."

A company called CB-X is selling a line of plastic Chastity Belts for men that lock down over your member to restrict you from touching yourself.  They sound just like those boxes used to grow square watermelons.

Chris Kirkpatrick of NSync tied the knot with girlfriend Karly Skladany in Florida this weekend.  Skladany finally fulfilled a childhood dream of marrying her 4th favorite member of NSync.

As of last week, Germany became the first European country to offer a third option when specifying the gender of your newborn baby.  You can choose male, female, or NEIN!

Researchers have discovered that babies can recognize songs that were played to them in the womb a few days after birth.  And a word of warning to parents, they also discovered that 100% of babies knew all the lyrics to "Let's Get It On."

According to a recent survey, couples who frequently text each other as a primary means of communication, aren't as in love as they appear.  But according to their phone's auto-correct, they are in "live" with each other.

An NYU student was rescued by firefighters last night after getting stuck in a space between his dorm and an adjacent building.  Said the student, "I'm forever in your debt... NYU. Also, thanks, firefighters!"

A group of thieves dressed as Zombies robbed a jewelry store in Mexico City this weekend.  The authorities are still searching for the brains of the operation.

An ice-cream company in the UK is making a glow-in-the-dark flavor that runs $220 a scoop.  Or if you're lactose intolerant, for $220 you can have glow-in-the-dark vomit and diarrhea.

India is looking to demonstrate the competence of their space program by sending a probe to Mars.  And if space travel in India is anything like their train travel, I'm looking forward to seeing astronauts hanging off the sides of their spaceships.

Pamela Anderson completed the New York City marathon this week, finishing with a time of 5:41:03, just 5 seconds behind her breasts.

A Dutch organization has caught over 1000 sexual predators online using the virtual image of a little girl they call, "Sweetie."

They claim that the image is computer-generated, but we all know it's boxer Manny Pacquiao in little girl drag. 

According to new research, the pig population in Israel came from Europe some 3,000 years ago.  That makes sense. The first rule of survival is to live in a place where you won't get eaten.

1400 paintings that were looted by the Nazis, including priceless pieces from artists like Renoir and Picasso, were recently discovered in a German apartment.  But really, how priceless can they be if the thief was still living in an apartment?

Toronto Mayor Rob Ford recently admitted that he smoked crack cocaine while drunk.  You can't blame him though; Canada's anti-drug campaign slogan is, "Just Say No, well, if you really want to, whatever makes you happy, I don't want to sound pushy."

A New Mexico man is suing authorities after they conducted three enemas and a colonoscopy on him after they suspected he was hiding drugs and found nothing. However they did find a few extremely malicious farts.

Science Fiction fans have started a campaign on indiegogo.com to raise money for the creation of a Science Fiction Museum.  The 9/11 Memorial Museum is scheduled to open next spring.

An 18 year old woman in Siberia, Russia successfully auctioned off her virginity for $27,000. I hope that's the big, final episode reveal of "How I Met Your Mother."

A homeless man was found sleeping in the Presidential Suite of the Omni William Penn Hotel in Pittsburgh, PA.  I hope they kicked him out because everyone knows the President of Pittsburgh is a different homeless man.

Environmental activists are asking the U.S. Fish & Wildlife service rethink their decision to remove Gray Wolves from the endangered species list.  Because once they're not endangered anymore, then WE become endangered.  

After being cancelled 20 years ago, it's looking like the show Full House is returning to television.  What a perfect job for the Olsen Twins; only one of them has to show up for work every day.

McDonald's CEO Mark Fabes is looking to put a 3D printer in every restaurant so that they can print new Happy Meal toys if they run out.  Finally!  Crappy toys will be made by under paid kids here in America!

A thief in California was arrested for stealing multiple Chick-fil-A cow costumes.  The suspect is a Big Gay Chicken. 

A Las Vegas man is selling one of his testicles to a clinical study for $35,000 dollars.  I bet he doesn't have the balls to sell the other one. 

An technical glitch on WalMart's website yesterday rolled back prices a bit too far and offered items at a fraction of the actual price.  On the plus side, the glitch also signed every shopper up for Obamacare.

A professional tomahawk thrower in Hemet, California chased two would be burglars out of her house this past weekend.  Apparently, she just AXED them to leave.  (www.InstantRimshot.com)

The last remaining Blockbuster video stores are closing their doors this week.  The company's CEO of has issued one final plea to the world saying, "Please be kind, rewind time."

A man in California celebrated his 100th birthday by skydiving.  Said the man, "I wanted to remember what it was like to have an excuse for shitting my pants."

Earlier this week, a woman gave birth outside of the New Jersey entrance to the Holland Tunnel.  Said the Mother, "If only I'd have made it into New York, then I could have loved this child."

Scientists recently discovered that biochemicals could have originally formed within clay, which would make clay the possible birthplace of life on Earth... as well as life NOT of this Earth: