time to talk about an aspect of johnny's lore I haven't talked about here yet woooo (okay this one might genuinely require content warnings so: CW: Pedophilia, CSA, self harm, SA, suicide)
johnny has some form/variation of pedophilic disorder, albeit it's not diagnosable - he doesn't feel attraction to children (hence the non diagnosable part) however they do frequently experience erotic fantasies involving children (in most of which, him being the one who identifies with the child in the scenario) - they also don't feel distress because of these thoughts (due to inability to feel remorse, guilt or shame) but he also doesn't go out of his way to assault children either (while I personally feel repulsed by this train of thought, it would also make sense for his character to NOT feel bad about committing a sexual crime, however sexual crimes, first degree murders, high profile robberies and drug dealing are all the crimes they draw a hard line at, since they consider them to be stupid, unnecessary and high effort, and they see people who commit those as "weak willed" and "subhuman". due to his pretty successful socialization (or well developed masking) as a child, they have a pretty good grasp on the "severity" and harm done by crimes (in crimes only, though, he struggles to differentiate between right and wrong in everyday life hence why he became an abuser) so if he DOES feel an urge to "act out" and "do something wrong", he tries to substitute it with a low profile/low harm crime such as petty theft or masturbating in public something dumb like that)
he would not consume csam (and likely thinks of people who DO as subhuman) but I am not sure if he would tap into fictional content involving children? it is already somewhat established in my head that they are lenient to fiction and enjoy eroguro comics so I don't know if they'd do the same for this kind of content either, but to be frank I think that this specific thing is too miniscule to try to fit it into the story since all this is a part of a much bigger and prevalent arc and I really don't want to overwhelm his character because if I DO write a comic, I want it to be cohesive
either way his relationship with real children is generally hostile. they don't feel attraction to children in any capacity (even the fantasies they have fulfill something in him on an emotional level, rather than an erotic one) however they're also noticably hostile and unwelcoming of children. the reason for this is because he's a victim of longterm (non-rape) CoCSA and other forms of CoC violence, which severely traumatized him. over the course of the story they do learn how to not be fucking evil to kids tho which is fine I guess. he will also not be straight up violent to kids either, just very wary and avoiding them at all costs
okay so - this specific aspect of johnny's character is actually the first stage of a multi stage arc that occurs over the course of the main story, as well as the pre-canon backstory: johnny is a victim of long term (non rape) sexual abuse, ages 5-15 all had child perpetrators and the experiences were constant (sometimes they'd be daily, for months at a time) however in their teenage years, the perpetrators would be both peers and adults. later in their early adulthood, the perpetrators would be solely adults. either way, during this period (well not "this period", more like their entire life) johnny would have no one to talk to about this, they would sometimes open up about it, however every time they'd be met with aggression, victim blaming, threats of violence or laughter. (yes, even by their parents) - after a specific conversation he had, these aforementioned thoughts and fantasies would start appearing in his head, where he would be wishing that he was younger when he was abused and that he was abused "more severely" and "by adults" so they would be taken at least a little more seriously, but overall these fantasies would get a lot more extreme over time. the responses by other people made him get irrationally violent (verbally) towards SA and CSA victims, and the aforementioned irrational hatred towards children
all this would eventually lead into johnny starting to self harm by purposefully putting himself into situations where he'd be sexually assaulted (usually by men, since due to his lack of attraction towards them, he felt even more hurt and humiliated in each of these instances) as well as other, more "common" forms of self harm such as cutting and beating. obviously none of this helps, and in fact each character who found this out during the backstory segment or the main story would even further victim blame johnny, some going as far as cutting them off for their "vile behavior"
while none of these elements were a direct cause of johnny committing suicide at the very start of the story, they contributed to it. (the suicide was out of spite after being cut off by a person they fixated on, the person cut him off for being abusive, however she was also one of the people who victim blamed johnny and insisted that they're evil for experiencing this or having these thoughts, urges and methods). I am frankly unsure how this arc concludes, although it is ever present in the main story and is possibly one of the most relevant arcs. the thing is, it's WAY too personal for me, and I still havent worked through my own trauma responses and stuff so I definitely won't be able to not only know how the healing concludes for johnny, but also how would a person with their specific mental state conclude this so... yeah. um... that's it, what a long yap session am I right
