#johnlockff

Sherlock knew.

Mycroft  had warned him.

“This is gonna be the hardest thing you have ever done in your life, brother mine.”

Sherlock knew it. He knew how hard it would have been, better than Mycroft did. But he was ready. After all, it was the only way to save John’s life and that’s was the only thing he cared for; John’s health and happiness.  He couldn’t believe he was still capable of feeling  the way he felt for John, not after Victor. But then, he knew that with John it was different. John was not Victor and he would  never been. Victor was his first love and he would never forgot him, but he was only a distant memory. He had John now, even if not in the way he would have wanted. But he had John nonetheless, and that was enough for him. That’s why it was clear that leaving him behind would have been the hardest thing he have ever done in his life, and for all the times he repeated himself that he had to do this in order to save John,  and that he was ready, the truth was he would have never been ready for this. But there was no way out. That’s why he went on that roof, ringed John, cause the thought of not hearing his voice one last time was unbearable, and then he jumped, with the cry of John yelling out  his name in his ears, under his skin and in his heart, streaking him like a spear. He had never felt something so painful.

 Walking away from the incident scene, watching John crying his heart out, holding desperately *his* hand, as if it was his life anchor, was even worst. He couldn’t stayed there a minute longer. He needed to get out as soon as possible. One minute more and he would have run back to John.

 He called Mycroft and begged him to pick him up as soon as possible. In less than thirty seconds a car was already approaching him.  

 Two days later, all was ready for his departure, Mycroft had already organize it all. The only thing that was missing was Sherlock. He locked himself up in Mycroft’s room since the day he jumped, he never left the bed, not even for eating or drinking. Eating was not his problem right now, and without John he didn’t care either.  He was not ready. He didn’t expect to feel this way, but he knew that he couldn’t just leave john without an explanation and a proper goodbye. John deserved it.

He knew that Mycroft wouldn’t  permit him to see John, but he had to try.  He couldn’t waste his only chance. Not again. Not this time.

 “Mycroft..?”

“Yes, bother mine?”

“I want to see John one last time, to explain myself..”

“No! absolutely not!”

“Mycroft, please… I know the plan was different, but I can’t – I can’t leave …”

“But Sherlock, you know that if we do this John’s life would be put at risk.”

“I know. But we can work this out. I know you can. You can find a way. No one will suspect anything.”

“ Sherlock, I –“

“Mycroft, please… let me say goodbye… please..”

“It’s too dangerous. Wait – are you begging me?”

“I guess I am.”

“You never begged me, never .. this must be really important to you.”

“Yes. Yes it is. Extremely.”

“Ah…”

“What?”

“You love him.”

And for once, Sherlock did not replied. There was no need for that, not anymore.

 All was arranged perfectly. No one would have suspect anything. Mycroft had texted john explaining that he needed to see him to arranged the funeral, so a car would have waited for him outside 221B and he would have been taken to Mycroft’s office. But of course, john would have not found Mycroft at his arrival.

 “…John”

“oh my god!”

“Hi..”

“S-Sherlock..”

“yes John. It’s me.”

“Oh my god! What the fuck is going on?! You are supposed to be dead. YOU WERE DEAD! I SAW YOU JUMPING FROM THAT FUCKIN ROOF THE OTHER DAY! I SAW YOU DIYNG!”

“John, please.. calm-“

“clam down?!  YOU ARE ASKING ME TO CALM DOWN??!! DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW IT WAS FOR ME THESE LAST TWO DAYS! You were dead, and I- I had no more reason to live. Do you have any idea how i had felt?!”

“Yeah john, I have.”

“Explain. Explain it now! I want to know how and more importantly why. Now. Explain.”

“John, I don’t have  enough time to tell how, Mycroft could fill you in another day. But the why.. John I had to. I had no other choice. I had to do what I had done in order to save your life.”

“My life?”

“Moriarty was on that roof with me and he had shooters ready to shot you if I had not jumped. I couldn’t – I couldn’t let them kill you.”

“So, you jumped to save my life?”

“Yes. Yes, of course I did and I would have done it again and again..”

“My god.. Sherlock I-“

“John, listen. I do not have much time left, I had to leave in less than an hour..”

“But- what? No! No! No, you can’t! you can’t leave now! Not now that you just came back to me! Sherlock please you can’t – I won’t be able to – I can’t live – “

“John, this is bigger than me and you. I can’t stay here. I have to go. I have to take down Moriarty’s web, and then I will be back. Them I will be back home to you. I promise.”

“But… How long?”

“Mycroft said two years, and he is rarely wrong.”

“Oh god. Two years?! How can I live – I can’t.”

“John you can and you will. You are the strongest and bravest man I have ever known and everything will be fine I promise. I’ll get back and things will be back to how they were before.”

“I don’t want thing to be back how they are now….”

“What? John, what are you talking about?!”

“Sherlock, I had never have the courage to tell you – I was so alone and you saved me in so many ways, you can’t even understand…”

“John, I know. You saved me too.”

“No, Sherlock, please, let me finish. if I do not tell you now I don’t know when I will and I can’t live knowing that I had this chance and waste it. I had already wasted so many chances with you, and I can’t do it anymore..”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean  -  I love you, Sherlock. I have loved you since day one and I have never stopped. I love you more and more every day. Now you can understand how difficult and heart shattering it was for me watching you jumping off that roof. I wanted to die. Really, Sherlock.. these last two days were hell. Everything came back to me. I had felt just like I had felt when I came back from Afghanistan all those years ago. Only difference was that back then I had you. I really was in a bad place, Sherlock, and I thought of killing myself-“

“John-“

“I didn’t want to came here earlier when Mycroft called. I couldn’t leave the house. But he insisted.. and I’m so fucking grateful that he did.”

“John. i’m –“

“Yeah, I know you’re sorry, but know you’re here and I couldn’t waste this opportunity to tell you how I feel. I couldn’t stand the idea of watching you leave today and not telling you that I love you. I love you, Sherlock. And I don’t care if you do not love me back. I only wanted to tell. I had to.”

“John, come here. I love you too, John Hamish Watson.”

“Wh- what?”

“I love you. I loved you since the first time my eyes locked with yours, that day at the lab. You limping into that lab with your silly cane and military haircut was the best thing that’s ever happened to me. I have never stopped loving you, not even once since that day. You stole my heart and soul, John and jumping from that roof was the hardest thing I have ever done. But, something tells me that leaving today would be harder.”

“We are so stupid..”

“Yeah, we are. Even I.”

“Right. Even you. So many wasted opportunities ..”

“I know, but now we have each other and I know I have to leave but now I have one more reason to come back to you in two years’ time..”

“My god, Sherlock… how can I let you go now that I know-“

“Sshh, please.  Do not think of that right now…”

“You are leaving in an hour, how can I not think of that?!”

“I know John.. just. Please. Kiss me.”

And he did.

 Sherlock was wrong.

Mycroft was wrong, too.

Jumping off the roof was not the hardest thing Sherlock had done in his life.

Breaking off the kiss, removing himself from john’s embrace and turning around, leaving him behind in Mycroft’s office: that  was the hardest thing he has ever done.

His heart was tore in two.

But, even if it was the most difficult thing he had ever done and the pain was unbearable, he would never regret begging Mycroft to let him see John one last time. That was the best choice he had ever done.