“You did what?” he asks, his voice deceptively soft, though the heavy drawl in his words gives away his rising anger, and disbelief.

“Well you see, Bones.” Jim starts, and he has absolutely no right to look so comfortable right now. Leonard is anything but comfortable, and seeing as this is all Jim’s fault, he should have the grace to look at least a little put out considering the scene on the view screen behind Leonard.

There’s no need to look back, the image is seared onto his retinas, every unbelievable inch of it.

“It wasn’t my fault, if you think about it. How was I supposed to know that Bezride contains organisms that like to colonize-“

“Don’t say it,” McCoy warns, lowering his hand to glare at Jim. The last place he actually wanted to be having this conversation was on the bridge, but of course Jim hadn’t consulted with him at all, as usual. He’d just acted, and called Leonard to the bridge to witness the glorious consequences of his actions.

“Doctor,” Spock speaks up, and Leonard turns to look at him.

He lifts an eyebrow in silent query, demanding what the hell Spock thinks he’s doing interrupting. Sure this is happening on the bridge, but this is very much between Leonard and Jim.

As usual, Spock ignores him. “This type of organism is hardly unheard of. In fact, there was a similar organism on Earth-“

“Don’t lecture me, Spock. I know all that. What I don’t know is why they were colonizing my mattress in the first place, and why the Captain,” his eyes swing back to Jim accusingly. “Decided that the best course of action was to light it on fire and eject it from an airlock.” There’s no oxygen in space, what the hell had Jim even used to set the fire if it was still burning- No. no he doesn’t want to know that.

Now Jim has the grace to look a little uncomfortable.

“Well I know how much you like to give me a check-up after away missions, Bones.”

At least the half-clothed part makes sense now.

The crew shifts uneasily, finally putting two and two together.

“Yeah, in sick bay,” he shoots back. “Where’s there’s no risk of a colony of Bezridean bed bugs invading my mattress!”

“I thought it would be a nice surprise-“ Jim gives him that look that he knows damn well makes Leonard cave, all big blue eyes and pouty lips.

Well it’s not going to work this time. Not with his flaming mattress falling through space for everyone to see.

“It’s a surprise all right,” Leonard growls. “And here’s your surprise, darlin’.” He crosses his arms over his chest and gives Jim a glare. “You get to sleep on my couch until you find me a new mattress, and I’ll be taking over the captain’s bed.”

Jim’s mouth gapes open, and he splutters some vague protests that Leonard doesn’t even bother to listen to.

“Flaming mattress in space,” he mutters as he stalks to the turbo lift with a snort.