#jjayne

Sleep and other Drugs

Deep down inside I know that you will not be my forever, however, you are my right now. And I’m okay with that. I have shut people out for a long time waiting for the perfect human to come sweep me off my feet. Through years of wondering, I’ve finally learned that the experiences and interactions along the way are just as important as the end goal. So today, I know I am happy with you. And I will live my life, day by day, asking if I am happy in that moment. Should the answer be yes, I will love on. Why fix what isn’t broken? So even if you’re not my forever, you will leave a footprint on my heart that matters - maybe good, maybe bad. But who am I to reject humans that bring me happiness in the present, simply because they may not make it to my future. Face it, some of us may not even have a future after today. Take a step back, breathe, and pursue what excites you now.

“You fit the edges of me into the crevasses of you, like perfect puzzle pieces.”

Goodness mama, I never did tell you how beautiful you are. I never told you of the ways your eyes take shape to the mold of your every mood. I never told you about the warmth I feel when I see beams of happiness from your smile. I never told you how my bones ache as I watch you tip your head back in laughter from your own joke. I never told you that your hands are a bed of silk; and I love that I was held in such delicacy. It's beautiful.  Now I look at pictures lining my bedside, and I can't help but to feel like a child in your arms all over again.

I look for blue birds that watch a playful man tune his voice  to octaves higher than a bird can sing. I gaze at white golfer hats, the ones with the button up front. I watch for the clock to strike one, my favorite time of day.

You would've thought I had 10 beers the way those words slipped my mind. Yesterday I felt something, something so deep, it built a fire in the pit of my chest. That fire must've died that night or escaped to a new place in my mind. It's gone.

My mind, foggy. My heart, raw. My words, slippery.

I met a boy today, Not the type you romanticize, But the type you show Your raw mind to In exchange for his own. I met a boy, That I could see particles of myself in, I met a boy, Who’s voice wavered when explaining His journey in finding himself, The way a sun-lit being, Spends hours chasing his own shadow. I met a boy, Who has so much to say, But clenches his jaw At the thought of being placed in the spotlight of ridicule. I met a boy, Looked into his soul, And for just one second, Saw a girl. I met a girl, That shadows Every motion, Every breath, Every break of silence, Every thought I take. I saw the girl, That only relinquishes Half of what she dreams Because who would understand a mind like that? Today I saw myself No mirror No picture Raw. I saw myself Through my very own eyes And as sad as it was, It sure felt refreshing.