#jinki angst

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After five days of radio silence, you finally texted Jinki so you could meet, inviting him to your place to talk since Tiffany was gone for the weekend. You weren't sure he was going to agree, but he replied faster than he's ever had.

Three hours later you are placing the kettle on the stove to make some coffee when you hear your phone buzz, a signal that he's downstairs. Your stomach twists, you are so nervous there's isn't one nail on your hands you haven't bitten. Grabbing your keys, you open your door and go down the stairs quickly, seeing him fumbling with his hands through the glass door. You'd usually greet him with a wave and wide smile, but you only managed to smile briefly before letting him in. He would have said anything by now, usually about the weather or your clothes or whatever, but there's no small talk either.

You go up the two sets of stairs in silence, still, and it's not until you are both inside your apartment that you talk.

"I'm making coffee" you say as you get the cups, your back to him.

"Great"

You turn around and he's standing in the middle of the kitchen with his eyes open wide like a lost puppy, and you can't help to smile.

"I've never seen you so uncomfortable before" you lightly joke

He bits the inside of his mouth and nods. "I'm sorry"

"You don't have to apologize" you roll your eyes "I was just saying..."

He nods again, looking down. He's so awkward you don't know what to do; instinctively, you reach out, taking two steps in his direction to stand right in front of him. He looks up at you, his eyes piercing yours, and you are pretty sure neither of you is breathing.

You grab his hands and his features soften, he's almost shaking at this point and you can't stand to see him like this.

"Jinki-"

"No, let me go first" he cuts you off and lets go of your hands "if I don't speak I'll go insane"

You purse your lips and nod, taken aback at his words. This is definitely not the Jinki you are used to, usually shy and never this blunt.

He takes a big breath. "I care for you and I don't want to lose you, and if that means I'm gonna have to see you with Minho, then I'll deal with it. I don't know how yet, but I'll do it"

He pauses, waiting on your reaction, but you are frozen in your place. It sounded like he's practiced this and it breaks your heart.

"I shouldn't have said anything the other day, I'm sorry"

You can't speak, a knot in your throat threatening to make you cry any second now. You look up and blink fast, and it's your turn to breathe deeply.

"Believe it or not, I'm actually glad we talked about the kiss... because I thought I've moved on but clearly, I haven't" you admit, letting out a breath you didn't know you were holding "I couldn't stop thinking about you all these days, and it made me realize that I like you a lot more than I thought"

You've practiced, too, ever since you woke up this morning you knew what you wanted to say to him. Even if he ended up rejecting you, you knew in your heart you had to confess your feelings to Jinki, no matter the outcome. That's why last night you talked with Minho to politely end things; it was the right thing to do. He was beyond understanding and even wished you good luck, such a sweetheart.

Jinki opened his eyes wider than before. "What... What does it mean?"

"It means I want you. Only you. If you wanna give it a try"

He doesn't say anything but the way he smiles, wide and with crinkles on the side of his eyes, is the answer you need.

"I need you to be honest though, really honest" you implore, taking his hands again. "Do you think we can move past this whole Minho thing?"

"Yes" he nods fervently and you do the same, relieved; you feel like you can actually breathe now.

"Can we have a proper kiss then?" you barely finish the sentence and he practically launches towards you, letting go of your hands to grab you by the side of your neck with both hands, connecting your lips in a much-awaited kiss.

You hum, smiling; god it feels so right. He smiles too and moves one hand to your lower back, flushing your bodies together. The kiss feels urgent but somehow it's still soft, your lips desperately tasting each other and making up for lost time. Your hands on his chest are eager to grab a fistful of his shirt as your kiss grows passionate, moaning in his mouth at the blissful sensation of having him so close.

The forgotten water on the kettle starts boiling, and the sudden and loud whistle startles both of you. You stretch your arm to turn it off, not wanting to break your embrace with him, but when you face him again he had tilted his head to the side with a questioning look.

"What? Oh, wait, do you still want coffee?" you chuckle, so focused on your kiss you threw your manners out the window.

He grins and whispers a soft "no" while leaning in again, kissing your cheek and hugging you tight from your waist. You wrap your hands around his neck while searching for his lips again, still nowhere near satisfied.

"You've no idea how much I wanted this" he mumbles in between kisses.

"I really don't"

He stops to stare at you, a hand on the side of your face. "A lot. I promise"

You smile wide, wider than ever. "Come" you whisper, pointing to your right with your head to make him follow you. He looks down and smirks, and by the time he's looking at you again you've already taken a couple of steps in the direction of your bedroom. He rushes to you, hugging you from behind, clumsily walking through the hall like that until you breach the door.

Turning around to face him, your hands creep underneath his shirt to trace the expanse of his back with your nails while he takes your cheeks into his hands and kisses you again, deeply, almost devouring you. You hook your fingers on the waistband of his jeans and walk both of you to the bed, mouths still attached while carefully laying down until his body is on top of yours.

He takes a break from your mouth, his lips immediately drawn to your neck and leaving fleeting kisses on his way down to your collarbones. You whine his name, bucking your hips to get some sort of friction and it only seems to fuel something inside of him, one of his hands moving to massage your breast over your shirt while his lips are now sucking hickeys on your skin.

Groaning, you sit up and hastily tug on his shirt to take it off. He quickly obeys and before he can do anything, you are leaving a trail of kisses down his chest and stomach, your hands playing with the button of his jeans. You hear him sigh and look up to see him staring at you, smiling.

"What?" you smile back

"I can't believe this is happening... I'm so happy"

You smirk as he leans in for an awfully sweet kiss, your heart melting in your chest. This is exactly why you fell for him.

"I swear I love it when you are this sweet, but if you don't get naked soon I'm gonna lose my mind" you tease as you finally unbutton his jeans.

He giggles, his cheeks burning red while he stands up and removes his trousers, meanwhile you are taking the rest of your clothes off so you're both in your underwear. He jumps to the bed again, going straight to your lips, one of his hands glued to your breast. You wrap your legs around his waist and push on his lower back with the heels of your toes so his clothed cock makes contact with your core.

Fuck, he's so hard already. He's nibbling on your neck now, slowly rubbing himself against your body, your pussy throbbing with need. One particular sway of his hips makes you moan as you dig your nails on his back, and that's when you feel him stiffening. He stops and quickly removes himself from you, sitting on the edge of bed and turning his head away from yours.

"What's wrong?" you sit up straight as soon as you see him get up, extending your arm in an attempt to stop him "Jinki"

"I can't... I can't, I'm sorry"

"Why? What happened..."

"I can't do this, I can't..." he sits back down on the bed, still not looking at you "I heard you with Minho that other night and... that sound you made... you..." he covers his face with his hands and takes a big breath.

You don't know what to do, unsure if approaching him is the right thing. He lets out a sigh and lowers his hands, turning his head at you but looking at the floor. "You moaned for him. Exactly like that... and now all I can think about is you two... together"

You feel a knot in your stomach as you try to process what he just said, your heart pounding. You can't look away and, as he faces the floor again, you feel tears forming in your eyes.

What have you done?

"I'm sorry" you barely whisper, looking at him getting up and quickly putting on his clothes. He rubs his eyes and leaves the bedroom; you put on your clothes too and go after him, only to see him barge right into the room again, making you stop on your tracks.

"I want to go. Open the door"

"Jinki, please..."

He eagerly shakes his head "Let me go... I'm-" he sighs "open the door, please"

You stand there, unable to move. If he goes, you lose him; shit, no, you can't lose him, not like this.

"Don't go..." you take a step in his direction as he takes a step back.

"Why did you do that?" he snaps, angry, almost to the point of yelling "why did you have to fuck my friend? There are millions of people in the world and you go and fuck him, in my house, and you even stay the night?!? To rub it on my face?"

"It was not like that! I thought you didn't like me! I didn't do it on purpose, you know that-"

"It doesn't matter! You fucked him! He was inside of you and you moaned! You enjoyed it and now I can't stop picturing you two fucking and it's... it fucking hurts" his voice cracks and you feel a tear rolling down your cheek, devastated at seeing him like this.

"Please... you said we could move past this..."

He looks at you with tears in his eyes. "I don't know if I will ever forget that, Y/N"

"I never meant to hurt you" you sigh, defeated

He bites his lip as he rubs his eyes with the back of his hands. "It's too late now. Open the door" he mutters as he leaves the room.

It takes you a good 10 seconds to be able to move. Your vision is blurred with tears but you see him at the front door, his back to you, waiting. As soon as you open it, he is sprinting down the stairs; you drag your feet as you make your way down and meet him at the bottom. As you stop next to him, you take a deep breath, fumbling with the keys.

"Jinki..." you don't even know what to say, you just need him not to leave. You find his eyes and it only makes your heart ache even more; you've hurt the one person you cared for the most and you feel like shit.

"I need to leave. Please."

Trembling, you finally open the door and see him disappear into the street.

**

3 am. You are laying in bed, you've cried all afternoon and now you feel numb. You can't sleep but you also don't want to be awake anymore, wishing this day would fucking end already. You can't find a way to fix this and it is maddening. The only way would be for you to go back in time and tell Jinki you like him at the bar instead of letting him go and avoid this whole thing from the beginning. But you can't, and you can't make him not see you with Minho; worst, hear you with Minho. You can't stop him from feeling how he feels and you feel helpless.

For instance, in transfiguration class. Jinki never could seem to do exactly as his professor said. Professor McGonagall hated it, considering Jinki was so smart at his written tests. His practical tests, however, were a different story. He never seemed to be able to transfigure things the way he was instructed to. Need Jinki to turn a matchstick into a needle? He'll turn it into a pencil. Need him to turn a sandwich into a lunchbox? He'll turn it into a book. Today in particular seemed to fall out of his favor, since Professor McGonagall had decided to put them into pairs. Normally it would've been fine; Jinki could've grabbed his fellow Hufflepuff, Jonghyun, and it would be less embarrassing when he accidentally turned a loaf of bread into a pillow. But no, that would be too easy, Jinki assumed. Instead he was paired with you, a random Ravenclaw who seemed far too excited about this project for Jinki's taste.

Normally, he would be excited about learning new things. However, constantly messing things up since first year had made him a bit numb to that ecstatic feeling. He studied you for awhile as you listened intently to Professor McGonagall's instructions, gripping a golden goblet in your nimble fingers and shooting a smile at him. He started only for a moment at the way your eyes flickered with something of eagerness and childlike mirth. Jinki snapped out of it quickly in fear of being caught and scrambled for his own goblet to turn into a ... rat, was it? Yes, that had to be it, Jinki concluded as his fellow students began to wave their wands at their partner's goblets and turn them into small rodents. You faced him, offering a curious curl in your lips as you asked, "Aren't you going to go first?" Jinki could already feel beads of sweat sprouting against his hairline. He stuttered for a moment and got his wand out, clearing his throat before pointing it at the goblet. He spoke the words he vaguely remembered, although his mind was cluttered with images of you and whether or not you would think him stupid for not being able to perfect the spell. He muttered the spell and flicked his wand at the goblet. Nothing happened. "Huh, that's strange," you muttered. You reached for the goblet, only centimeters away before it transformed with a loud pop that echoed across the classroom. Suddenly the goblet was a spider, large and hairy like a monster with far, far too many legs. The creature darted forward, ignoring your shouts of protest, and latched onto your wrist. "Mr. Lee!" McGonagall barked. With a flick of her wand, she instantly transformed the spider back to it's cup form before turning to the shaken Hufflepuff once again. "What is going on here?" Jinki shrugged, his mouth hung open. He stared at you, holding your wrist with your face twisted in pain. "I-I'm sorry — I didn't mean to — " "You never mean to, do you?" Another Ravenclaw, presumedly your friend, snapped, causing Jinki to jump slightly. "C'mon, Y/n, let's go see Madam Pomfrey." Jinki watched you go, wondering how on earth he was ever going to make up for this one. "Stay behind class today, Mr. Lee," McGonagall said, "I have a few things to discuss with you." Jinki waited until the last student cleared out before making his way to McGonagall's desk, although every bone in his body told him to stay away. This was the moment where he would be kicked out of Hogwarts forever. He knew this day would come, however not now. He only had the rest of his seventh year left; he could graduate and then his professors would never have to worry about him again.

McGonagall had never looked as intimidating as she did just then, her narrow, cat-like eyes peering down at him from behind her half-moon glasses. "You're a very bright student, Lee. It never fails to amaze me how you manage to get perfect marks on all your written tests. However, I must remind you that you will take your N.E.W.Ts at the end of this year. Many of which are not written tests, but practical. If you can't get high marks in those tests, you could fail and repeat seventh year all over again. "I say this because I believe you have enough potential to complete the practical exams: get a tutor. If that doesn't work, get a new wand. Because right now you're likely to be sitting right at your desk this same time next year, while your classmates have all moved up and out. Think about it. Good day, Mr. Lee." "Thanks, Professor," Jinki managed to say despite his worry-clouded mind. How was he ever going to find someone who would want to tutor a seventh year? Tossing his newfound worries behind him, he quickly made his way to the hospital wing after a quick trip to his dormitory. Upon entering, he found you sitting on a hospital bed, your wrist freshly bandaged and your fingers slightly purple and swollen. "I'm so sorry," he blurted, running to your side. "I'm horrible at spells and I really don't know how this one happened but I promise it wasn't on purpose — Look! I brought chocolate frogs!" You laughed as Jinki nervously dropped the candies onto your lap. "You didn't have to do that, Jinki. I know you didn't mean to. Besides, I get today off of lessons, so I have to thank you." Jinki couldn't help but feel flustered when you winked at him, your playful aura surprising him in all the best ways. He watched you open all the chocolate frogs and check the cards. When you found one you didn't have yet, you patted the blankets in a gesture for Jinki to sit. "I wanted too," he assured you. "It's my fault you're in here, after all." "You can't help that you suck at magic," you said, and Jinki's gaze snapped to yours quickly, wondering if you were joking or not. When he saw the twinkle in your eye, he simply shook his head at your attempt to joke with him. "That isn't funny," he muttered. He changed the subject quickly after that, in the hopes of learning more about you, "So your name is Y/n?"

"Yep," you said, "Captain of the dueling club, and top in all my classes. I could help you, you know." Jinki bit his lip. He hated to admit that he needed the help, but at the same time he desperately needed it. "It's practical exams," he said, "If I have to use a wand, I'm going to fail my N.E.W.Ts." "That's not good," you said, your words coated in sympathy. "Tell you what, meet me in the empty classroom in the fourth floor corridor after class tomorrow and I'll teach you a few things, okay?" Jinki nodded, keeping a mental note to cancel tea with Jonghyun. "Okay. Thanks, Y/n and I'm really sorry again for everything. I hope your wrist feels better." - You took a deep breath as you stood before the door of the classroom you told Jinki to meet you in. This was it. One step in and you would be alone with your crush again. You had been watching Jinki from afar since your fifth year, and it was sheer coincidence alone that the two of you had been paired up for a lesson. Even if that lesson ended with you getting bitten by a venomous spider, you couldn't help but think it was an act of fate. The more you thought about it, the more stupid you felt, which would be the reason you never thought too much about your feelings for the cute Hufflepuff. Because when you did, you felt like a lovesick idiot. You wondered how long you could stay out here before Jinki would think you had left him.

With no time like the present, you braced your palms against the wooden surface of the door. A third hand appeared in the equation, pressing against the small of your back and eliciting a shout of surprise from you, whose nerves were already shot. Jinki apologized profusely for scaring you, his hand still on your back but now rubbing comforting circles into your skin. "I was just going to tell you to let me open the door — you know, because of your wrist and all." "Oh," you eyed your nearly healed wrist, still bandaged. "Thank you. I think I can open a door, though." Jinki ignored you and pushed he door open. "We can't take any chances." "Aw, do you care about me?" you cooed, looking up just in time to see Jinki's flustered face. "No," he shot back, "it'd just be a shame for my tutor to get hurt before she taught me anything." You laughed at his comeback, happy that he was playing along with you. "Okay, I'm going to bring out the practice dummies. I need you to be prepared to cast whatever spell I shout at you." "Like a speed drill?" Jinki, who could already feel sweat dripping down his back, asked. "Exactly," you said, pulling a train of practice dummies out in front of him. "It'll be a good drill to get you warmed up for the lesson. Diffindo!" Jinki caught on immediately and cast whichever spell you dictated to him. Still, although he seemed to be doing everything right, he couldn't get the complete spell out. "Your form is excellent and your diction is even better than mine," you told him, confused, "Do you remember what Ollivander said the day you got that wand?" Jinki stared at the stick of wood in his hand for a moment, recalling the memory to you. "He said it was tricky and had its own way of doing things. He said I must feel what the wand feels." Usually you took Ollivander's words as a load of bull, but this was really all you could think of that might be his problem. "Okay. So feel your wand as you cast. Ready? Incendio!" Jinki obeyed your instructions, but still nothing more than a sliver of fire sprouted from the tip of his wand. He groaned at the small wisp of smoke, almost as if it had done him harm. "I really am the worst at spells." "Not necessarily," you said, studying the way his face twisted. "What were you thinking about when you casted that spell?" "I was thinking of how much I wanted to be able to cast a spell."

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Jinki sighs as he closes the door to his room. He should have seen it coming, honestly; he knew Minho liked you and that something had happened between you two the other day, but he still wasn't prepared for this whole thing to be right on his face.

He chooses a song and turns up the volume right as he hears Minho's bedroom door close, taking a deep breath while doing so. He has no reason to be this upset -and he definitely wishes he wasn't-, but what was he supposed to do, when all he's ever wanted was what Minho was having right now?

He can't forget the after-party of his musical's opening night and that breaks his heart. The show was a success, so logically everyone was cheerful and happy, but the way you praised his performance had him feeling weirdly proud of himself, your words filling his heart like no one else's. He could blame it on the booze but really, deep down, he already knew he liked you, although he couldn't bring himself to make any move, afraid that you'd turn him down.

But the night went on and suddenly you were there, smiling at him and asking for the nth time to dance; he had turned you down every time, and every time you had pouted, but this time you laughed and stayed by his side. The place was so loud he could barely make out what you were saying, so you leaned closer to his ear, once again congratulating him on his excellent singing. He smiled shyly and turned his head to thank you, only to find you turned yours too and now your faces were incredibly close. You stared at each other for a moment, both your breaths stuck in your throats, but when he leaned in and kissed you he felt you tense up, so he took a step back and mumbled an apology, quickly leaving and getting lost in the crowd. He left the bar soon after, embarrassed, not sure he'll be able to face you again that night.

Talking to you the next day, you admitted you had drunk a lot and didn't really remember much about the previous night, so before doing anything stupid, he decided to let it go... although the memory of the kiss -of finally kissing you, even if it was under those circumstances- still lingered on his brain.

But the truth is, you've lied. You remember; god, you remember everything. The issue with bars is that alcohol plus dim lights plus loud music do not make a good match, because based on your recollection of the facts, it was you who leaned in for the kiss -not him-, only for him to break it and take a step back apologizing. You remember clearly how he disappeared and how you stood there, a sudden and poignant ache in the middle of your chest you didn't know how to handle.

To you, opening night was when you realized you liked him more than just a friend. Watching him singing about love and acting out a romance made you yearn for that kind of affection, but soon you realized it wasn't the abstract idea of love you craved, it was with him, specifically, that you wanted to experience it. You were surprised at your own thoughts, when did that happen? You couldn't deny his good looks even if he wasn't your type, and on top of that, he was one of the best friends you've ever had, so sweet and caring. You spent the whole play daydreaming, going back to every time you've interacted and picking your brain to see if he showed any signs of wanting something more than friendship (and if you've been too blind to see it). Was he just as nice to you as he was to everyone else, or was there something different about your relationship? You didn't have to wait long to get your answer though, him fleeting the bar after that fateful kiss was enough proof of how wrong you were.

So now here you both are, tangled in a complete misunderstanding that resulted in you forcing yourself to move on and having sex with non-other than his roommate while he is trying to drown any sound from the room next to his and stop the tears in the corner of his eyes from falling down.

It is just his luck to hear a moan from you right when one song faded and the next one was about to start, his jaw clenching and his eyes closing shut. It isn't fair, what does Minho have that he doesn't? You barely even know him. He turns around in his bed and covers his head with the bedspread, groaning, hoping the night would end already.

**

He wakes up and the first thing he hears is you giggling. Great, you spent the night. He considers feigning a cold or anything that would make him not leave his room, but he's too hungry to skip breakfast. Soft footsteps approach his door but they stop, and seconds later he gets a text from Minho. "Hyung are you awake? There's food"

He groans, sitting up on his bed and ruffling his hair. "I'll be there in a sec" he sends back, against his better judgment. He gets dressed and leaves his room, and the first thing he sees when he enters the kitchen is you sitting on the table.

"Hey Jinks" you greet him, looking up from your phone and flashing a sleepy smile "there's coffee over there" you signal behind your back with your head. You are dressed in Minho's clothes and he bets you even smell like him. Fucking great.

"Great, thanks" he mumbles, walking past you with his head hanging low. He gets a cup out of the cupboard and hears Minho entering the room while he's pouring his coffee.

"Morning hyung!" he yells, but lowers his voice before speaking again "Babe, I'm gonna shower real quick, ok?"

You hum in agreement and you kiss, or at least that's what he hears. He puts the cup down a little too forcefully and some hot coffee spills on his hand, making him curse out loud.

"Are you ok?" you ask

"Yeah yeah, spilled some coffee" he says, turning around to face you. Minho's gone and it's only the two of you now. His heart skips a beat and he realizes he definitely can't be in the same room as you, not when you are looking so radiant. He darts past you but you are quick to grab his wrist, making him stop.

"What's up with you?"

"What do you mean?"

"You've been avoiding me the whole week" you tug at his wrist to make him face you "You can't even look at me right now"

"I'm just tired" he lies

"Sure" you reply, scrunching your eyes. "Is this making you uncomfortable? Me being here?" you ask, and he can tell you are worried by the tone of your voice.

He takes a deep breath. He can't think of what to say without admitting his feelings for you, and the more he delays his answer, the more anxious he gets.

"It's ok, I'll leave" you spit out, collecting your phone from the table and getting up.

"I- I don't-" he sighs. Fuck, you're angry now. "I'm sorry I've been avoiding you"

"That's not what I asked, but ok" you take a couple of steps but stop, turning around "I thought you'd be happy for me. We are friends, and friends are supposed to be happy for each other"

"You're right"

"Then what's wrong?" you ask softly.

He can feel himself starting to shake, and closes his hands in fists to control it. You notice, and insist "Jinki, talk to me"

He hesitates for a moment, but finally speaks. "I can't be happy for you when I wish you'd be with me instead" he blurts out, looking down to avoid your eyes.

You open your mouth, a confused look on your face. It only lasts for a second before you let out an exasperated scoff.

"Really? Now you like me? When I'm dating someone else?"

He raises his eyebrows. "You are dating?"

"That- ugh, that's not the point, don't dodge the question"

"I've always liked you, Y/N" he sighs

"Yeah, right, you've always liked me, that's why you ran away that night after we kissed"

"You said-" he purses his lips, lowering his voice "you said you didn't remember!"

"Of course I remember, but what did you want me to say? You literally disappeared after I kissed you"

"YOU? You kissed me?" he whispers, pointing at his chest "I kissed you!"

"What? That's not how it happened!"

"What do you mean 'that's not how it happened?' I was there!"

"So was I!"

You look at each other with furrowed brows, dumbfounded. He pinches the bridge of his nose, letting out a breath before speaking again.

"Y/N, I kissed you but you... you froze" he shrugs "I said I was sorry and left because I didn't know what else to do... I thought you rejected me"

"That's... Jinki... that's not..."

He's getting dizzy and can feel his heart beating out of his chest, and by the look on your face, you must be feeling the same.

"Please tell me it's not too late" he begs

"Are you kidding me?" you whisper, pointing to the bathroom door, just when you both hear Minho stepping out of the shower "We can't do this right now. I can't-"

"I know. I'm sorry" he apologized, turning around and scurrying to his room.

You stand there, unable to do anything but stare at the empty space where he used to be, until Minho shows up, towel wrapped around his waist.

"Hey... everything ok? Where's Jinki?"

"He...uhm, he went to his room" you shrug

He nods, grabbing your hands; before he can say anything, you pull him closer and hug him tightly. He hugs you back, kissing the top of your head.

You look up at him, resting your chin on his chest "I have to go home now" you pout

He pouts back. "I know. Let me change and I'll drive you"

"Sure" you smile.

He kisses your cheek and leaves. You stand there, breathing deeply and biting your lip.