#ji: journal

Why did I have to follow the script that only cast me as a supporting character? When I was in the first years of middle school, a girl noted how fat my neck was. From that day onward, I never wore my hair up. It was because I cared so much about fitting in. Every kid wants to be cool and beautiful, yet there was never a chance I could be. My father was my father. They were who they were. I had found myself trying so hard to be a duck, but I’m not a duck. I’m a swan.

He made me realize that. My first kiss walked by shunning me blah blah blah, but this is not a story about him. I’ve written that time and time again. This story is about the swan being a swan. This is my history. 

I had always been good at school, but I got better. I divulged in education and cunning. Mornings were pre-workout skincare, sport, shower, post-shower skincare, breakfast, and off to school. I liked tennis and swimming, but that was replaced with running. Days were: days classes, lunch, post-lunch skincare, afternoon classes, and off to tutors. I was unbeatable. Even when others paid the teachers, I was unbeatable. Nights were: tutors, home, dinner, personal studies, shower, post-shower skin care, and sleep. During one of those late nights, I tied my hair up. Regardless whether they thought my neck was fat or not, I did not care. I was not to be looked down on.

Then it happened. I wasn’t to be looked down on. Apparently, the fat on my neck wasn’t what made me so hideous. It was my family’s stock price. By the time my third classmate called me so pretty, I felt angry. All this time, I was beautiful, yet I allowed myself to believe I was worth nothing? Was I not my father’s daughter, a man that made something from nothing and further on and on and onto me and all those he partnered with.

The Empress: 75%

“Celebrate life’s grandeur…its brilliance…its magnificence…”

The Empress represents motherly, prosperity, creativity, sexuality, abundance, fertility and comfort which most often observed in maintaining peace.

Often belongs to people of authority or wise and motherly figures.

The Fortune: 75%

“Alongside time exists fate, the bearer of cruelty.“

The Fortune Arcana symbolizes Fate and varying luck, fortunes, and opportunities. What goes up will go down, what goes down will go up.

You are aware of your fate, and attempt to seize your own destiny in spite of your seemingly-locked fate. Thus, you are typically involved with making important choices and decisions.

The Priestess: 75%

“The silent voice within one’s heart whispers the most profound wisdom.“

The Priestess is a symbol of hidden knowledge or other untapped power, wisdom, mystery, and patience.

Usually quiet, reserved, and very intelligent. Often modest and shy, and won’t open up easily to others.

Love Reading: 89%

The Lovers 80%

The Arcana is the means by which all is revealed. “There is both joy and wonder in coming to understand another…” The Lovers represents two paths life could lead to, and thus a symbol of standing at a crossroad and needing to make a decision. It is also portrayed as a symbol of love and romantic relationships, although it can also be a symbol of finding agreement with an ordinary friend or even two conflicting elements within. You are popular and their emphasizes on social interaction.

The Judgement 67%

The Arcana is the means by which all is revealed. At the end of his journey there was nothing but an empty space, a vast land with emptiness. And he finally understood that the journey was himself, his life and how he lived." The Judgment Arcana, in tarot, is associated with realizing one's calling, gaining a deep understanding of life, and a feeling of acceptance and absolution.

The Empress 67%

The Arcana is the means by which all is revealed. “Celebrate life’s grandeur…its brilliance…its magnificence…“ The Empress represents motherly, prosperity, creativity, sexuality, abundance, fertility and comfort which most often observed in maintaining peace. Often belongs to people of authority or wise and motherly figures.

The Hierophant 66%