#ji: diary

Why did I have to follow the script that only cast me as a supporting character? When I was in the first years of middle school, a girl noted how fat my neck was. From that day onward, I never wore my hair up. It was because I cared so much about fitting in. Every kid wants to be cool and beautiful, yet there was never a chance I could be. My father was my father. They were who they were. I had found myself trying so hard to be a duck, but I’m not a duck. I’m a swan.

He made me realize that. My first kiss walked by shunning me blah blah blah, but this is not a story about him. I’ve written that time and time again. This story is about the swan being a swan. This is my history. 

I had always been good at school, but I got better. I divulged in education and cunning. Mornings were pre-workout skincare, sport, shower, post-shower skincare, breakfast, and off to school. I liked tennis and swimming, but that was replaced with running. Days were: days classes, lunch, post-lunch skincare, afternoon classes, and off to tutors. I was unbeatable. Even when others paid the teachers, I was unbeatable. Nights were: tutors, home, dinner, personal studies, shower, post-shower skin care, and sleep. During one of those late nights, I tied my hair up. Regardless whether they thought my neck was fat or not, I did not care. I was not to be looked down on.

Then it happened. I wasn’t to be looked down on. Apparently, the fat on my neck wasn’t what made me so hideous. It was my family’s stock price. By the time my third classmate called me so pretty, I felt angry. All this time, I was beautiful, yet I allowed myself to believe I was worth nothing? Was I not my father’s daughter, a man that made something from nothing and further on and on and onto me and all those he partnered with.

I’m too dependable. 

You always see it. Those trainwreck relationships were a messy confession leads to rejection then after the confessor pulls away then their crush wants them. As much as I call it a trainwreck, that is what works. That is fun and sexy and passionate. Being distant enough to be missed is so attractive to people. The curse of being a tsundere is once they see how soft I am, it is all over me. 

It isn’t the worst thing ever. I’m intense in everything I do, so seeing someone back away because of that is something I can’t be shocked by. Still, I waited for his phone call. Then at one point, I realized I was always going to be that. I was the dependable girl that would always be ready for him. I don’t want that, so I moved on, but am I falling into that again with someone else?

I am amazing. That may sound egotistical but it took years to actually mean that when I said it. I’m dedicated and romantic and funny and passive (with time and proper care) and flirty. It just isn’t something noticed. And why would you notice me? I’m just the best friend to everyone. Everyone. I’m dependable for all my friends. I’m the riddle or the pillow or the vent or just anything but the person someone has their eye on after a few weeks.

AND I KNOW. I’m not the type of girl who depends on romantic relationships or things like that. I’m a truly happy person because I do what I love and surround myself with great friends, but I’m hormonal and reflecting.

Regardless, I’m not going to change how much I care about people. I love too much and care too much, but that is something one day someone will value and not overlook. I feel so much better now that I vented. Ah, now I can go on in peace. I’m back feeling content with me and my situations. 

My Girls: I made a little club of girls supporting girls. Every day, we kept up on each other. We listen to each other’s complaints. We celebrate each other’s successes. We laugh. We give advice and cuddles. We ask how each other are and actually care. They make every day a little sweeter. I love my babies.

Oda: There is something amazing about meeting someone and them seeing you for who you are. It was a weird feeling. I felt so exposed when he looked at me. He reminded me so much of my dad. He’s someone everyone might write off as simple, but there is so much beauty in him that I think he doesn’t see sometimes too. We often stay up all night talking about philosophies and what ifs. It is so fun. Even when he annoys me, I know he will always be there to an older brother to me. And that is really what he is.

My Sanity: Living in a world of fake smile and people who are focused on themselves gets pretty tiring. Not getting caught up in that, not getting upset and hurt, and not breaking in that has done so much for my mind. I have peace even in the worst of storms.

Texture: I’ve been remembering how beautiful it is to feel. When we are babies, we explore. Our hands learn the feelings of so many different things in amazement. We forget though, but feeling against our palms go unnoticed. He beauty in it goes by with no notice, but I’ve been noticing. And it is not just texture. It is color. It is taste. It is sound. It is all so beautiful. We are all so blessed.

Art: Everything from Botticelli to the latest television show on TVN and past that to the hit song on playing in 2075. It is so amazing how subtle movements in our bodies combined to express feelings in a way that only years of practice can master. We call it dancing, but I think there is no true word to express the amazing ethereal truth of it. It is unbelievable how the canvas can be our bodies as well and a view brush strokes rearrange us completely. Art is amazing.

Choice: I hate blueberries. The flavor is amazing, but the mushy texture after you break the skin reminds me of a spoiled grape. I don’t like blueberries, and I don’t have to eat them. A choice is not something everyone gets. I’m so thankful.

Clarkie: It is hard for me to be open. It is hard for me to even admit to myself I care, but I did with him. I broke down. I stripped back all protection, and I was honest. He didn’t handle it the way I liked, but he did return the favor. He came bear back to me, and I will be forever grateful for that. Though, if he hurts me again, I will skin him alive. I will then feed him to the wolves to ensure he turns into the shit he actually is. Regardless, he’s living right now, and he will be someone I’m happy to get increasingly close to. He’s a special snowflake. He’s really stupid but in a slightly endearing way.

Pallete by IU: I am so happy to be alive in a time where this song can relate so much to me. Live and people and everything are confusing, but I’m going to be alright. No matter how anyone else feels. I’m okay. I love things. I hate things, but I’m so at peace with me.

Crushes: I am emotionally thirteen. I’ve never had sex. I’ve never fallen in love. I’ve had one relationship. Both of the people I kissed before I haven’t seen in almost or over two years. So when I developed a crush, it was nice. Those giddy feelings were so nice to know again but what was even better was realizing that liking someone was not enough for me to be with them. It was nice to realize I deserved more than what that person was able to give and not getting heartbroken because of that. I’m growing up.

Passion: I want to fall in love. I want to be passionate. I want to be weak for someone and be loved so much I get flustered and nervous. It was very hard to admit that to myself.

Strength: I am so much stronger. I’ve been able to cry. I’ve been able to forgive. I’ve been able to say sorry. I’ve been able to move on. I’ve been able to live without caution and be hurt and not dissolve. Even if that seems small or natural for someone else, it is such an accomplishment for me.

My Brother: I was able to face him. I was able to see him and talk to him. I always felt so guilty, but he is my brother. He loves me.Everything he’s done fro me was hard at times for him, but he did it because I’m his baby sister and he loves me. I am so happy and proud to be his sister.

Zodiacs: I’ve been learning about them, and, ah, I’m such a Gemini. It’s  crazy. I love that I can be determined by the stars. I’m branded by the heavens, and that makes me feel so purposeful. I like that, and I’m glad to know something new.

Song: I’ve been humming and singing more. I missed making music, but I never felt like I had time to play the piano. Now, I play the keys until my fingers remember everything they used to. I’m full of song and life once more, and it feels good. I feel good.

Fight for My Way: I’ve never been so in love with a show. I have. I don’t know why I lied like that, but this show is so perfect. It is a mid-twenties couple versus a baby aged couple. It has strong female characters who can support their men as much as their men support them. It has best friends that turn to lovers. It has female best friends that are honestly so best friend goals. It is so dynamic. It is not unrealistic rich people who have everything and have no normal struggles. It is sweet and makes me laugh.

Brownies: Fudge it... Clark makes the best “I’m sorry for being a dick” brownies ever. This is way over my calorie limit, but I will just workout for longer.

Sleep: I’ve been actually sleeping and wow. I feel so good. I don’t feel so yucky anymore. I’m so ready to do everything.

Work: I’m doing this story now, and I’m excited to pitch it to the higher ups. I know I won’t get to cover it as an anchor, but it is a start. They’ll probably have me on air for a few minutes, and, ah, this is so great... Meep!

The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt: She is so adorable. I don’t get all the references, but the show is so wild. American comedy shows always go so hard, and I appreciate them. 

How did it become so sultry?

Like sugar on the tongue

It melts into my soul

Telling my sweetly how strongly I should crave it

I’ve found myself attracted to it

With my perfectly manicured fingers effortlessly gliding across my skin,

I find myself swaying

I’m locked into it

My whole essence shuffles through it as if it was all reversed

I find myself, 

Like sound waves,

Traveling only as it directs me

And it directs me

That is why my hips move in the way they do

They are obeying the command of it all

Beaconing closer to another

A true gift,

A bliss 

Given to the world by Aphrodite’s favorite son

I hum along to it now

I can’t stop it

I don’t think I would ever want to 

Even as it fades out softly,

My ear screams to know it better

My request goes unheard

There is no encore

Just like sugar,

I’ve found myself in dull shades for a long time, and for even longer, I’ve been talking about brighter hues. Well, I’m done talking about color. I don’t think it matters how blue my soul is or how black my heart is coated. What is deeper than that is the lacing.

Tying the knots of my Tale-Tell Heart, thin strands of silk hold me. Each piece is so fragile. Light friction would have the stitching crumbling apart, but not in the way I’ve knotted it. It forms in pretty patterns and crossing making a strong lace that does not even move when the weakest points are pulled.