#jhilmil

He used to take us to fairs, on short drives on his bike or in his car, or simply out for some fresh air. We never needed a reason to leave the house. Even the smallest drive felt like an adventure because he was there.

I miss those days. I miss laughing in the back seat, watching the roads pass by, and feeling like everything was okay as long as my papa was driving.

Where did my papa go?

He’s still here, but sometimes it feels like the man I grew up with slowly disappeared somewhere along the way. I don’t know if he changed, if life became too heavy for him, or if I just grew up and started seeing things differently.

I hate that growing up means watching the people you love become strangers. I hate that the little things stopped happening without anyone even noticing. I miss the version of my papa who always found time for us.

first row, from left to right: Aman Mathur (from Kal Hoo Na Ho), Kajol, Anna (from Barsaat).

second row, from left to right: Snake Woman (from Hisss 2010), Jhilmil Chatterjee (from Barfi!), Aissa (from The Island of Dr Moreau 1996).

tried row, from left to right: Mling (from The Island of Dr Moreau 1996), Laa (from Night at the Museum), Mowgli (from Mowgli Legend of the Jungle).

first row, from left to right: Victor (from L' Enfant sauvage 1970), The Count (from Limbo 2014), Stefani (from Guardians of the Night 2016 (Russia) ).

second row, from left to right: Li Van, the vampire (from Guardians of the Night 2016 (Russia) ), Lucy (from Lucy 2014).

Life lives in the space between pain and meaning. Too much joy can become hollow, and too much sorrow can become unbearable. So here we are, somewhere in the middle, gripping a frayed rope with tired hands, still trying to live. And perhaps that’s what makes us alive.

I want to be 13 again.

I have new ideas to ruin myself. Maybe this time I scream and tell everyone that I’m a kid too, that I never wanted to be the bigger person.

Maybe this time I love that boy properly, and maybe I don’t make him regret loving me.

Maybe I listen to him talk. Maybe I say yes and ruin myself anyway.

Maybe this time I eat healthy, or maybe I don’t eat at all and become skinny with eating problems.

But this time I don’t binge eat I just stop eating, count my calories, and disappear quietly.

Maybe this time I choose myself and hurt myself in my own ways.

Maybe this time I dress like a whore and get called one.

Maybe this time I actually become one and choose myself over my religion.

Maybe this time I let them pay every time while I just stand there smiling instead of reaching for my wallet.

Maybe this time I become the main character and ruin my life my own way.

Maybe 22 is my new 13,

Somebody once told me, Do you know why you don’t date? Because you’re afraid of heartbreak.

Well, I don’t date because my father will break my legs.

I will live a long life a very long life. That’s what dying people say. That’s what people who want to kill themselves whisper to themselves.